November 1871, Eudora
"Is that all she said? That's it?!" My father's angry words echoed through the room, still stained with my brother's blood— remnants of what the officers had taken last night.
"She needs rest. Proper rest," the nurse tried to calm him.
I was there. I was there when he was killed, but I don't remember it—not a single fragment. I witnessed the most horrific thing, and yet, I can't recall it. All I feel is cold, as though death itself had kissed me, stealing my memory in exchange.
The floorboards creaked under my father's heavy steps as he entered the room.
"Useless. Absolutely useless. My son is dead, and you—" His voice boomed in my head: useless, absolutely useless.
"Sir, please, look at her—" the nurse continued, still trying to defend me.
"Sister, I don't think your assistance is needed anymore. The detective will be here soon." She gave me one last, sympathetic glance before leaving.
I waited. And waited. For something to happen. Useless. Absolutely useless.
My father was one of the wealthiest men in London. After his success in the oil industry, he owned stakes in numerous important factories. I was surrounded by riches: exquisite food, fine dresses, plush carpets, and high society. Yet, none of it mattered. I couldn't enjoy any of it. Useless.
Today, he wore a dark suit, his sack coat buttoned all the way up. He was unusually quiet, which was rare. Then again, this was the first murder in the family. His thick moustache was less neatly groomed than usual, and he had forgotten his glasses. His tie wasn't as tightly knotted, and his grey, neatly combed hair looked almost... white. He dressed simply, but the rage in his eyes was enough to intimidate anyone who dared cross him.
The sound of light footsteps echoed from the hall.
"Is he here yet? I barely managed to pull myself away from our sweet daughter... Oh." Her voice trailed off as she entered the room and kissed my father on the cheek.
"Detective Davies isn't here yet," she said, popping the cork of a bottle of rum and filling a teacup to the brim. Some traditions never die.
"And she...?"
"She... doesn't remember anything. A. N. Y. T. H. I. N. G. Do you believe that?"
"Honestly, how useless could she be?" my father snapped. "Well, don't you have anything to say? Sit up straight—you're not a rag. Though you might look like one."
I straightened up, smoothing my green dress as I tried to look presentable. I probably fidgeted with it more than I should have, but at least it distracted me from my stepmother's presence.
"Darling, please, slow down. What will the detective think?"
That had always been her main concern. She was everything expected of a woman: married, a mother, and ran the household with the precision of a queen ruling her country. She was the definition of beauty—deep green eyes and golden, honey-colored hair. A pity, then, that she was the biggest bitch you'd ever meet.
"Are you deaf now, too? I asked you a question." Her melodic voice snapped me from my thoughts.
"Sorry, I didn't hear you..."
"I asked if you have a cup of tea beside you. We don't want the detective to think we can't afford to fill the cups."
Right, the detective... investigating my brother's murder.
"No, I—uh, my cup is empty."
As the maid poured my tea, I heard a strange voice down the hall. Joy. The detective had arrived to berate me for my weak memory.
A tall figure soon appeared in the doorway. He looked nothing like I expected. His features were sharp, dark hair falling neatly over his brow. He looked... fit. And young.
Well... this might not be so bad.
"I am Detective Davies. Andrew Davies, that is. Now, what happened on the 2nd of November, 1871?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the devilish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This story begins at a home, where a father accuses a daughter (Eudora) of being useless after she reveals that she doesn’t remember anything about her brother’s murder. To add insult to injury, the stepmother comes along and very clearly only cares about the father, not her stepdaughter. Both parents are not the best to be around, but then Andrew Davies gets to the home and he’s going to try and solve the case. (Mayhaps be a pretty distraction to Eudora’s problems)
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think I’d like to learn more about the characters, but this is only one chapter, so I think that this will come in other chapters.
Chocolate Bar - I love the main character, Eudora! She seems to be someone who is misunderstood by those around her for her weak memory, but she might have wits about her that most people do not catch or realize. I also like the introduction of Andrew Davies, the detective. He’s on business, but hey, at least he’s handsome. :> (Maybe something will happen between him and the protagonist, or maybe I’m stressed it lol). Another thing I’ve enjoyed is the mystery of the brother’s murder. What could have possibly killed him?
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very exciting first chapter. I’ll be sure to read any other chapters that are posted, so that I am up to date with this murder mystery. Yes, I hope that the murder gets solved, but I also hope that Eudora gets a happier life, because gosh darn, her parents aren’t great.
I wish you a splendid day/night! ^v^
Thank you so much!
hey there random, Icy here for a quick review today. I love when I manage to catch a prologue or first chapter in the Green Room, so I've jumped at the chance to review today! Let's get right into it.
I like this as an opener. It's nice and drama filled with the anger, and then the 'still stained with my brother's blood' is such a shocking line to throw in in such a casual way. I think it works super well.
My biggest struggle here was that I was struggling to picture the setting. It's not that I needed loads of detail, but to begin with I didn't realise that the father was outside the room. Then when he enters, is our main character in a bed, is she injured (I assumed yes because of the presence of the nurse, but she's not unwell enough to be in some kind of hospital)?
In this section I couldn't work our who was talking. Who has entered the room? I'm guessing not the nurse... our mc's mother perhaps?
I think you've introduced mystery around the brother and his death really well, but I think the rest of the piece is too hard to follow to the point that I miss that mystery because I spent the whole time trying to orient myself in what's happening. Try being a little bit clearer with who your characters are and what's going on. Your hook works well, but this lost me which I feel is a shame.
Hope this was helpful!
Icy
Thank you for the review!