~Cynthia~
A million eyes glare at me. The mob splits to make a pathway. As the sun sets its rays act as a spotlight on both me and the mayor's stand. It is suddenly very warm, even for early autumn. Sweat begins to trickle down my face. Tentatively, I put another foot forward. Then another. Whispers ooze from the crowd. The clomping of my feet against the pale stone ground is way too loud. My heart races from the tension.
Yes, I know this is Sunnyside. People are supposed to be nice to each other here, but as I mentioned earlier, the fact that ryges can go from Darkside to Sunnyside makes people very wary. It is hard to tell where the ryges are from, so it is impossible to know if one has evil intentions behind their back. And even if they are indeed a regular Sunnysider, that doesn't make their powers any less dangerous.
It's not like this town is made of strangers, though. I am not exposing myself to people who I'll never walk into again. No, these are my classmates, my friends, the people who I have been trying to gain the trust of for the past year. What if they feel betrayed by the fact that I have been lying to them all this time? Lying is highly looked down upon. Will they act like the people in my old town who ran away and called me a Darksider? Please no...
Forever passes before I reach the stand. Surprise paints the mayor's face. Probably at how young I appear. Ryges are stuck at thirteen forever. I am actually sixteen.
"Sir," I say, trying to prevent my voice from shaking, "I'll volunteer."
"Are you sure?" he questions in disbelief, "Someone as young as yourself, taking such a journey alone..."
"I'm sure, Sir. I'm the only one who can."
I secretly thank the gods and goddesses that I sound somewhat confident. I feel as if I have just swallowed a brick. There's no going back now.
"Th-thank you so much, young lady," the mayor stutters, "We're all counting on you."
Moments pass before the crowd disperses into normal life. I stay close to the mayor and watch as people start to leave for the buses or their nearby homes.
"Meet me here tomorrow at sunrise. I'll have a bus pick you up from home," the mayor informs me before I go, "By the way, I doubt this advice is necessary, but just in case, if you know any other ryges, even ponmiks, bring them with if you can."
I find that to be very odd advice as there are no other ryges in this town.
***
The fresh aroma of food fills the room. In front of me emerald peas, bright orange carrots, and snow white mashed potatoes lay invitingly on my plate. Across the small wooden table, Grandpa is almost finished his meal. Even his (well, now our) ponmik is eyeing the delicious food on our plates. Grandpa has to hold him back, but yet the ponmik's soft gray paws grasp the table somewhat. Yet somehow I cannot bring myself to eat any of it. Instead, I play with the food with my spoon as I try to digest all this new information and think of how I'm going to break the bad news to my loving grandfather. He already knows about my being a ryg, but for me to go to the Tower? Alone? How could I possible bring this to him?
He'd be so heartbroken about it. My grandfather is a very supportive man, but even I know that he wouldn't approve of this. He'll say that this isn't a very wise idea. He'll beg me not to go no matter what.
"Cynthia," Grandpa asks, pulling me out of my thoughts, "Why haven't you eaten your food yet? It's going to get cold."
Hesitantly, I face his eyes. Even past those huge bushy eyebrows, I can see that his dark eyes show concern. His mouth even frowns a little under all his facial hair. Sadly, I realize I can't hide this from him forever.
"Well, you see, I-I um," the words stick to my throat, unwilling to come out, "I er, volunteered to go uh, to the T-Tower..."
On Sunnyside huge secrets are not particularly a common thing. We can all trust each other here. Secrets that are kept, however, are usually silly things like small gossip. This makes it even harder for me. I brace myself for Grandpa's reaction. He just sits there silently for a while.
"Well," he says at last, and stands up, forcing the little fluff ball off, "Stay here for a minute."
My grandfather is anything but the fittest for his age. Old age has given him a hunched back, so he must use a cane. He's also a little on the heavier side, but not like the mayor. Nonetheless, he disappears up the steps. In an instant he is right back down again holding a sunny yellow collar. The collar has a unique baby blue diamond outline on the front. He then proceeds to grab the little ponmik, who was standing around as if curious to see what is happening. The furry creature hisses and squirms a little as Grandpa squeezes the collar onto him.
"Bring Ky with," Grandpa says, holding our only pet up.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
The chapter is really calm. I expected much more tension when Grandpa and Cynthia met up. So the grandfather agrees readily and is practically sending his granddaughter off to Radio Tower. So the grandfather (I don't particularly like his still being nameless) I would suppose has faith in Cynthia and supports her. Either that or he doesn't really care about the whole thing. I expected more description of the protagonist in this chapter but I suppose you're holding back so we have much more to learn about her later on.
The mention of gods and goddesses is quite curious, as we are getting another hint at the world's background, which is rising my interest. Are the ryges connected to the gods and goddesses? Are they manifestations or children of them? So questions are coming to mind quite quickly.
I will continue reading. I just have to see what this Radio Tower is like and what's happening up there. I want to see the powers of the ryges, and just how common they are in the world.
Good Work!
Keep writing.
Adam-Clay.
Hey it's Neverland here to review your second chapter!
I agree with InfiniteSnowfall and OliveDreams, the chapters are way to short! Please make them slightly longer!
Okay on the last chapter you didn’t have too much description, but this chapter did have a bit more yes. Though in my opinion you need to tell us what the Grandfather looks like. You tell us about his build but nothing about his facial features, does he have white hair? Brown eyes? I've had so many people (before I posted my prologue) point this out to me. That I needed to put more detail into the description of the characters.
I love the first paragraph. A bit long, but it's not unbearable. I just love the way you describe her going up on the stage, though as Olive said it would be lovely if you could put a little in about the crowd. Like could she see any shocked faces coming from friends or classmates, which you state are there. But we don’t really know how the crowd reacts to Cynthia being a Ryg. Love the names by the way!!!
Your grammar was really good! Same with spelling! So I have nothing to say about that except good job!!!
Though the part with Ky was a little confusing, maybe you could make it a little clearer. Anyway I love this chapter, same with the last chapter, and I can’t wait to read the next chapter. I can tell I'm going to grow attached to this novel, and be anxiously awaiting every chapter.
Good luck with writing and I look forward to reviewing the next chapter.
xx
~Neverland.
Okay ignore the other one. I reviewed both chapters on the weekend when I didnt have any internet. So I copied it into the submit box and accidently posted the wrong review on this chapter. Sorry about that.
I'M BACK!!!
I absouletly adore this chapter, Ky along with it! I love how you made a creature, something that seems so dumb and unimportant, so important! And he sounds adorable, I just wish I had a better image of what he looks like. *Hint* *Hint*
But I still think it needs abit more description. This would have been the perfect time to describe Cynthia to us. And Grandpa. Well everything really, it would have been like seeing things through a completely different perspective. I like the way Ky doesn't call Cynthia and Grandpa by their names.
Though at the very end of the chapter when he says
'W-welcome w-w-w-world,'
To me that does not make any sense. Why is it thst he is welcoming the world. Should'nt it be something like;
'Hi world nice to finally meet you,'
I dont know that might just be me.
Anyway sorry about this review being a little short.
I look forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck writing!
xx
~Neverland
Hey again!
I really do like this story. Too bad it's so short! I wish it was twice (maybe thrice) times longer than it is right now. And I see OliveDreams agrees with me haha.
The description in this chapter improves from the first chapter, but still, I think a little bit more would be lovely. Please?
~ I love this sentence. I would have never thought to describe mashed potatoes as snow white.
All right, I have two things I wanted to point out in this review.
I was wondering if ryges should be capitalized? Also, pomniks? Pomniks is a type of creature and ryges is a... Creature? Class? I'm not exactly sure what they are considered.
Okay... I guess that's one thing - I lied. Sorry about that, hah.
Thanks for a fun little read! See you on chapter three!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Hello there! I remember writing a review for the first chapter of this novel so I'm excited to be back for more!
Here to represent the red team on this amazing review day! I will provide the most scrumptious review sandwich that you have ever seen/gobbled up.
First things first, the things I liked;
I still love the idea of a Ryg. It's so darn original.
“Your grandfather, a short and somewhat heavy man, scuttles away and disappears.” - This, in my opinion, is your best description of the piece! It's clear and allows us to picture him perfectly.
And now onto the constructive criticism;
Your first paragraph is very long!! It looks kind of daunting when you first click on it. Maybe you could separate your ideas a little more for easier to read chunks. Even if you just split it in two!
Even though I've said about the length of your first chapter – I now see that the whole chapter is pretty short! I wish there was more!
You could add detail about how the crowd looked at them and how they really felt about volunteering and thinking about the task that is going to be coming up.
Good luck! Onto chapter 3!!!
Olive <3
Knight Dragon, here to review!
The only technical thing:
"No one, even you, did expect your voice to announce that in such a bold manner." This should have been written "No one, even you, expected..." or "No one, not even you, expected...".
Content:
Hahaha! I loved the grandfather's response. Only an elder knows how to do something like that. The story's interesting, although my only concern is if you can pull off the intensity with your concept.
Hope this helps!
Thanks
Well. I don't think I've read a piece like this before. It's different. And intriguing, it had my interest because you had managed to make it feel as though the reader were involved in the story and that is something.
Not sure about the last line: '"Bring him with," Grandpa says. ' Didn't really make sense to me, like your syntax is all out of whack. But that might just be me.
Good job.
Thank you
Grandpa meant to bring Ky with. I am so glad you liked it.
I did, very much. And you're welcome.