Did it matter if he lived or died? Yes. It did. If he died, the human race was gone. Maybe that was a good thing. People had messed up, and now that they were almost gone, the earth seemed to rejoice in their absence. The Vespasians had been ruthless. Because of their genetic makeup, they could change shape, size, and what they needed to survive. They were completely adaptable. And he knew that once they found him in the cave, he was gone. Humans were gone.
“Radzim.” A voice croaked. It was coarse and deep. Radzim’s head flipped up. They had found him. Or had they?
“Who’s there?” His voice did not falter. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore. He had gone numb. His feelings had shut down as he watched many nameless people get ripped apart by these aliens. No. They weren’t only aliens. They were monsters. Their forms were whatever they needed or wanted to be. But they were always tar black. They looked like tar. They almost felt like it as well.
“You know. Why do you ask?” The voice replied. Radzim let his head fall back onto his knees. He was curled into a ball, waiting for the inevitable.
“I ask because even though I am doomed, I have something that you don’t.” Radzim said. He didn’t move, only his lips. “Your kind is ruthless. You are cruel. You are powerful. You are logical. You know when you will win or lose.” The voice chuckled into the darkness. Radzim had been telling the truth. All of those things were true and all of them were depressing. They were condemning. But still he continued. “But I have something you will never have. Hope. That is why I ask. I have the ability to look for the sliver of the chance that I will survive.” It aggravated the Vespasian to know that the weak human had something it did not. It blended perfectly into the darkness but Radzim knew that the creature was lurking near.
“You think that you were worth the damage you caused.” It shrieked. Radzim felt its slimy hot skin wrap around his neck and lift him into the air. His feet dangled worthlessly in the air.
“No.” He put simply, struggling to breath.
“And yet you try to survive?” It whispered. Radzim grunted under the exertion of trying to stay conscious.
“Yes, but you of all creatures should know that you can’t escape the inevitable.” He said. The darkness over took him quickly. Maybe it was for the better.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello rachellecarter,
Myjaspercat here for your review
So, before I begin I would love to point out that every story no matter how short or how experienced you area t writing, needs work. And that is the same with your story, it has great potential but it still needs work to make it a perfection. Anyways, I hope you find this review helpful...
1.) "Did it matter if he lived or died? Yes. It did. If he died, the human race was gone."
--- Ok, I will be very honest {prepare yourself here} I like the first sentence of the entire story. Oh my god, did you hear that? Well now that that is out, I can go on with the rest of my thoughts that seem stuck inside me head.
a.) For one thing, I think it would be better if you left the question; 'Did it matter if he lived or died?', to be answered at the end. This is for one reason and one reason only... to create suspense and intrigue (I guess that was two things; sorry). Because this is one of those deep/ very emotional (depending on how you view it) questions it really sets up the rest of your story if you leave it unanswered. I know people would probably say things like 'tell us what is happening' or 'don't leave your reader hanging' (no one can deny it since I have seen it first hand) but sometimes things are better left unsaid especially if they are going to be explained later on. If you worry how you would portray the answer at the end then simply repeat the question with the answer; meaning your story would probably look something like...
"Did it matter if he lived or died? {body of the story/content} Did it matter if he lived or died? Yes; It did. If he died, then the human race was gone."
---Do you see what I did there? I simply took the overall question and I placed it both in the beginning and the end with the story's content in between. However I left the answering at the end of the story. As well I would like to point out two small changes I made that you may not have noticed.
b.) I took away the period after the word 'yes'. (<- but not there.) Instead I replaced it with a semi-colon. The reasoning for my doing this, is because while you try to achieve the dramatic affect {or so I assume} you do not need to use a full stop to complete it. A semi-colon, though it doesn't fully break the sentence, still gives it that long-dramatized stop that will add more to the story.
C.) I changed 'the human race' to 'then the human race'. It just simply reads better with the rest of the sentence.
2.) "People had messed up, and now that they were almost gone, the earth seemed to rejoice in their absence."
--- How did humanity mess up? What did we do wrong? I think it would be better if you elaborated on this some more.
Anyways, that is all I really have to point out right now, if I think of something else, then I will just edit this thingy and get back to you. Good luck and Continue writing.
This was a great short story!
Like Zee6 said, I agree it was a bit choppy. I also think that you could expand it more (a little more of the beginning, maybe?) separate from the competition. That would be very interesting. I like the plot idea, and would love to know more about these Vespasians.
Just a few things: When you say "The Vespasians had been ruthless." it seems like they are not ruthless any more. You might consider just changing the "had been" to "were", but it still works well the way it is.
Also, in this sentence, "'You think that you were worth the damage you caused.' It shrieked." you should probably change that first period to a question mark, or at lease a comma or an exclamation mark.
Other than that, I love this.
-Falcon-
This was really interesting and I enjoyed it. I liked how even thought the world was nothing and it wasn't worth living he still had hope that he would survive and that the world would get better. it was a good take on a death.
Good luck.
Some thing I do have to point out. I understand this was for a contest but for future reference put more commas and things like that in. Your paragraphs right now are sot of choppy.
"Yes. It did. If he died, the human race was gone. Maybe that was a good thing." Right after "Yes" there should be a comma, and I would suggest that writing it like this or something like this. "Yes, it did. If he died the human race was gone, and maybe that was a good thing."
things like that happen a couple times in the story and I would suggest trying to make everything flow a little more. Like you can start a sentence with because but if you could add a comma I think It would help.
Over all I liked the story plot and the way you had the character interact with the alien but it could have been executed a little better. Keep up the good work and you'll get used to adding in commas.