Chp. 1 - Baern
Baern walked throughout the corridor. He could smell the food cooking from downstairs quite well. There was nothing to stop him, thankfully, but that could change. There would be plenty of people walking around in a few minutes, but for now the halls were all but deserted. The only people around were mainly just servants of some kind. Most were kitchen staff. One of the gardeners walked by carrying a plant in a sort of pots. In his others hand he had a watering can. He was short, but stout.
Baern couldn't wait until he could get down in the basement and get this whole ordeal over. Dr. Nut and Mariah would probably be waiting for him when he got down there.
Mariah was very much like an adult tomboy. That was the best way that he could think of describing her. Dr. Nut wasn't exactly your typical science guy. He was more like a famous politician. He seemed to have a single was of looking at things, like tunnel vision, but only in the way a religious fanatic, or a politician do. He wasn't diplomatic at all.
Baern liked people like that. He was like that in a way, himself. He believed what he believed and nothing anyone else said mattered.
That wasn't really the reason why Baern had decided to help him, though. There was another reason. Baern needed money. He needed to be able to buy seeds. Because of the terrible flood the precious year he had to replant many of his crops. Many other farmers would be behind him.
Even though Baern didn't like leaving his family, he knew his son, Glib would be able to take care of the family well enough. They would just have to I make do for the rest of the winter.
Speaking of winter, the weather was quite cold for this time of year. Baern hated winter. He preferred being out in the fields, but the cold weather made that all but impossible. Baern tried to warm himself by covering his arms.
"Glad to see you finally arrived," Mariah said. Baern looked up. He didn't even realize where he was going. How silly of him.
When Baern looked around he noticed the absence of Dr. Nut. Where could he be? That was unusual. Dr. Nut always made it a point to be punctual.
"Have you seen Nut around?" Mariah asked him. Baern shook his head.
"I haven't this is rather unusual, isn't it? He was supposed to come early to help set things up, right?"
"Yes. I have no idea why he isn't already here."
"Do you think that we should go looking for him, perhaps?"
"No. He specifically told us that we should be secretive."
Baern sighed. This was making him worry. A lot. He hated it when things didn,t go according to plan, but there was nothing he could do about it. All he and Mariah could do was simply wait for Dr. Nut to appear. He oped that Dr. Nut would come right away. If he didn't that might mean that he might never get the chance to earn a little bit of money.
"What do you think we should do," he asked. Mariah let out a sigh of resignation.
"I really don't know, okay, this has never happened, but I think the smartest thing to do is just go with the plan and stay here, rather than make Dr. Nut to go looks for us. That's just a big hassle, you know."
"I understand. I just feel like I should be doing something productive. This makes me feel like I am totally hopeless. I'm sorry."
"Well, that's too bad. Get over it," she said simply.
Baern felt like shouting, but he knew she was telling him the plain truth. He went over and sat on the bed staring into space. Perhaps Dr. Nut had simply fallen asleep. He hoped. No, he prayed.
This wasn't good for his health. Sitting and waiting. What was he thinking? His health. His brain must be overloaded.
"Well, we could go and check his room. Just one of us, though. The other should stay here, I suppose."
"I'll go look for him. I hope he just slept in or something."
"If he didn't, well we are hopeless, so I guess it doesn't really matter if you get caught or not, I guess."
"That's rather harsh of you to say, Mariah."
"I know. Reality is quite harsh. But unfortunately it is the only way that you can live your life. Unless you plan on somehow trying to live in a fantasy."
"Well, I still need to support my family, you know. You might not understand, but my family is more important than I am."
"I know you do. I understand. But there isn't much I can do to help you."
Baern let out a sigh and turned to walk up the stairs again. He did so reluctantly. "I can't believe that I'm doing this," he said, sighing again.
Baern stuck his head out and was relieved to find that there was no one roaming the halls at this hour. When he reached the next corner her turned and almost ran into someone. Baern held back a gasp, but the man walked right past him. Baern felt relief flood over him. He made a turn and found the stairs right ahead of him.
He bonded up the stairs and found himself at the front of Dr. Nut's room. It was one of the the first that on the halls. He knocked. He stood there nervously and knocked again a second time. When nobody answered he tried the door. It was unlocked.
Baern looked into the the room and found it vacant. He almost had a heart attack. Where could Dr. Nut have disappeared to? There was no sign of him in the room. The only evidence the room had been inhabited was that the bed was not made.
"You're wondering where Nut disappeared to, no doubt." A smooth, warm voice said behind Baern.
Baern spun and saw the same brown skinned man who had passed him in the hall. On closer examination, the man was dressed in nice clothes and held a revolver in his hand. Baern wanted to run away. Instead he tried to keep calm and breathe.
"Who are you?" The man asked. "I've never seen you before."
"I'm just a servant. This client asked me for a towel," Baern said, managing to keep his head.
"I doubt a that. We will find out what you were doing. If you are a servant you aren't a very good one. You don't even have your uniform, yet."
"It's at the taylor's shop right now. I have to get an alteration on it. The one they gave me is too small now."
"If you tell me the truth I will give you my revolver." Baern stared at him wide eyed.
"You are lying!"
"No, why would I lie? I never lie."
Baern raised his eyebrows.
"Come on. You're going to be tortured anyway. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't just tell me how you are affiliated with Dr. Nut?"
"I'm a man he hired to do the time travel for him."
"Okay, here's the gun," he said, handing to revolver to Baern.
"You are free to go."
Baern raised the gun to the man, but stopped cold. "There aren't any bullets in here!"
"So? What do you care. I said I would give you ballets. I didn't lie."
"I have one request," Baern said.
"What's that?" the man asked.
"Don't capture Dr. Nut. Take me instead. I'll take his place." Baern could hardly believe that those words were coming out of his mouth. What was he thinking. This wasn't what he planned on. He just wanted to get in this for the money, not for the cause. Why was he offering to sacrifice himself for Dr. Nut. How foolish could he be?
The man laughed. "You insult me. I thought you were going to ask for my name. Baern stood there and stared at him. What was this man thinking. Why would Baern ask the man for his name. That was just stupid.
"Wel, at any rate, my name is Chaven and I will have nothing with your request. Why should I exchange you for him. You are the more valuable one."
Baern sighed. He didn't know what he was doing. But he knew he was not in a good spot.
Chaven laughed mockingly. "I will have all of you captured before long."
"I'm Dr. Nut, not that man. He's just a decoy. I can't believe I was follish eenough to get myself captured, but please let that man go. He is innocent.
"All right. I will let him go, if you insist, sir." Chaven paused and turned to the bottom of the stairs. There weren't many people in sight. Not any. "Bring up the prisoner."
Two men appeared lugging Dr. Nut. They labored harder than they needed to so they could drag him up and cause him discomfort.
"There he is, sir," the men said.
"You asked me to let him go. And let him go I shall. Send him to the torture team. They have control over from him now on."
"No," Baern shouted. He tried to jump at the two men, but one pushed him back while the other began dragging Dr. But right back down the stairs. Baern felt like sobbing, though he didn't know why.
1,592 words
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'He could smell the food cooking from downstairs quite well.' I would suggest deleting 'quite well'
I would also suggest putting an exclamation make rather than a coma before a character shots, yells, screams, or exclaiming something to empathize loudness.
'The only evidence the room had been inhabited was that the bed was not made.' I think a better way of saying this would be The only evidence the room had been inhabited was the unmade bed.' It's blunt and does not use more words than needed.
'Baern stared at him, wide-eyed.' Would be the correct way to say this
'Upon closer examination, he noticed the man was dressed in nice clothes and held a revolver in his hand.' Would be a better way to say this.
Hi r4, and Happy Review Day!
I'm just going to jump right into the review here.
Sorry that I'm getting something in your very first line, but I think it should be just through rather than throughout.
By the way, I quite like Baern as a name. It's very unique and inventive! I wonder what time era they are living in...?
I saw quite a few small issues in this paragraph! Your sentences are often clipped, for example, I don't think "a lot" needs an entire sentence all to itself. Also, you have several small typos throughout, such as "didn,t" (didn't) and "oped" (hoped). Everyone has such typos, and it should be fine if you just give it a look over and they aren't to hard to find and correct. Also, there are some places where you need commas, for example this last sentence, "If he didn't (COMMA) that might mean that he might never get the chance to earn a little bit of money.
Hehe question mark here instead of a comma.
Question: Why is Baern sitting on a random bed but one of them should go into Dr. Nut's room? Where exactly are they? What building is this, and why would there be a bed randomly in a room but it's not Dr. Nut's room??
In all the dialogue after this, it gets a little messy and confusing. You can use some dialogue tags, or you can use actions. for example, "Blah blah blah." Baern sat on the floor. Or something more relevant, but so you have an action with the dialogue, and you know who is speaking. Double purpose.
Actually, he said he would give him the gun. Maybe change that to "revolver" or else change the whole thing to "I didn't say I would give you bullets."
Things... escalated quickly. What happened to Mariah in all of this? Baern time travels? Whaaaaaaat? I suppose I'll have to wait for the next chapter then.
-Falco
This was very good! I enjoyed the gripping plot like that you have managed to create and I look forward to reading more about what happens next. You made the characters likeable, except maybe Mariah, but I still kind of like her in a weird way

Anyways, I look forward to seeing how and if Baern manages to get out of this, and if the Dr is able to escape the torture team.
Keep writing, I want to see what happens next.
Very nice job! I enjoyed reading it. May I offer a suggestion? I think that sometimes your sentences are too short. They don't give the reader much to go by, in some cases. Other than that I can't wait to read the next chapter. GREAT JOB.