Young Writers Society

Hello quratulainanjum,

If we look at poetry in an objective standpoint, we look at things such as imagery, theme, structure, originality, and entertainment value.

In terms of those things, I think you do best with theme. You set up what you want to talk about, and you continue to stay on that line of discussion throughout the rest of the poem.

So let's go over where I wouldn't rank you so high and why.

Your lowest category would have to be imagery because you really don't have any. I see that you're using juxtaposition to encourage the reader to look between two things, but you really don't get into that a whole lot. You also don't play much with connotation, or develop a sense of scenery or sensory things, so that's why this is your lowest category.

Second highest would have to be structure. You definitely focused on creating a pattern and repeating it, but you did this at nauseum, and that is why it's your second highest rather than your highest. If you dealt with the theme in unique ways with more imagery, then you'd end up with a better structure. Loosen up and it won't be so hard. Plus some of the refrains you picked sounded awkward for me to say. Reading them out loud made me sound like I had a speech impediment.

That leaves originality for the middle ground and that's the middle because you're not using much in the way of original content, but it's also not bad. For instance, you do have some original things where you're talking about his maturity and the "I'm sorry" section, but I almost feel like it's not enough to really involve the poem fully in a good direction.

And lastly, the entertainment value lost me. I really wasn't that entertained by this poem because it didn't have enough concrete detail to keep me that way. This one isn't your worst category because you're making a good attempt, it just isn't there yet because of the other pieces of the puzzle.

So, all in all, here are your categories from best to least-best

Theme
Structure
Originality
Entertainment
Imagery

If you have any questions about what I thought about the poem, feel free to PM me!

Hi, I'm here to review! I'm only going to talk about some of the things that didn't quite make sense to me while reading because I thought that over all it was a great piece that I was able to relate to. Just remember, these are friendly suggestions that I mean to give in the intention of helping you make your already amazing poem even better. Here we go.

Okay, so the first thing I caught was, "Tell me didn't I tell you I'm blessed to have you?" I would put a comma between the me and didn't just so people know to pause there. (I only mention this because you have punctuation in here, otherwise I'd leave that stuff alone ).

The second one I saw was, "Then why you did this?" You might want to restate it as, 'Then why did you do this?' so it to makes more sense for your reader.

Third one was, "Didn't I tell you not to bother what I say when I'm angry?" I had to stop and re-read this line, which ruined the flow for me. So, really, all you need to fix this is to add 'with' between bother and what.

Fourth, "Didn't I prove you that I like you?" add a 'to' in front of the first you.

Fifth, You've been capatalizing your 'I' so there's one that isn't towards the end (I do that too).

Sixth, Did you mean to leave off the question mark on the line that says, "But can I tell you something"

Over all, I really enjoyed this and thought it was really good and I think the idea of leaving your narator open, without physical traits, was good so everyone can relate to this was brilliant. It was good and I enjoyed reading it! Keep up your writing.

Hi there and first of all welcome to Young Writers Society! I hope you're enjoying the site so far. I'm stopping by to leave a few thoughts on your piece.

Specificity
The first thing I really wanted to address is specificity in language. In this piece it almost seemed like the speaker was skirting around the topic that they actually wanted to address. This is partly due to the poem being entirely composed of questions. Now I don't have any issue with the format of questions exactly, but if you're going to use questions they need to be revealing something to the audience. The questions need to be intriguing and specific. For instance instead of asking "Why did you do this" ask exactly what you mean. Specify exactly what "this" you are referring to; because as someone reading the piece, I have no idea. With more specificity in your language even in the questions, you'll be able to draw the audience into the story more and that will likely help them have sympathy for the speaker as well, which is good in poetry because if you have sympathy for the speaker that means you're invested in what will happen to them, and are invested in the poem itself.

Conflict
I'm a fan of a good clear narrative in poetry. Now certainly not all poetry needs a story behind it, but I think generally its good for it to have a specific direction. This poem was lacking clear direction as far as conflict was concerned. You had a lot of areas you explored like expectations, depression, vulnerability, maturity but these ideas were never connected together. I understand how they could all play into a relationship or a break-up but as a reader I want to see the author link those conflicts together a bit more to build a clearer story. I would suggest either dropping a few of the conflicts to give the poem more focus or work more on tying these themes together.

Overall
Overall, I liked the impulse to do something original and focus on questioning rather than just rattling off topics. I think this poem feels like it has a lot of emotion and heartache and story behind it, which are things that as a reader are intriguing. There are a few aspects that could be improved a bit to make the poem even better though! Good luck in your future editing and writing!

Best,
alliyah