Published August 5, 2017
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Love.
I want love.
Eventhough I'm asexual.
Eventhough I don't 'care' for sex. Self-love is as far as i'll go.
Final desison.
But I want to marry a man. Not a girl.
Odd one out.
Eyes. Sick.
Brain. Sick.
Lungs. Sick.
Vocial cords. Sick.
Disabled. Multiple.
Who will love me?
I want love like every other person.
Who will love a Christin/Jewish girl? ( haritage-wise).
I do.
But will others?
Many great qualites: sweet,gental,very smart, integerty.
A NERD! A BOOKWORM! A WRITER!
(A 'scientist' at heart.)
YEAH, I'M AWSOME!
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this poem about a girl who feels that she has too many flaws.
When I first came across the word asexual” I momentarily imagined an Amoeba which procreate via nuclear cellular fission or splitting in half. Thought it was going into the sci fi fantasy area.
Then I realized that it was in reference to a normal human being who describes her self as being sick. Since no specifics are provided I could not imagine exactly what the defects are. So what I could garner from the poem is that she sees flaws in herself that she considers are a serious obstacle in finding a mate.
Suggestions:
Too many spelling mistakes:
Please note that with today’s spell-checkers available at a mere click spelling mistakes are inexcusable. It conveys a lack of caring about what has been written. Otherwise, why not take the time? So if indeed you want to be taken seriously as a writer, the please always remember to pass your composition through a spell-checker. Misspelled words are indicate by a red line that appears below them. They will appear both on your word processor and here on this web-site.
desison[
[decision]
Eventhough
[Even though]
Vociakl cords
[Vocal Cords]
qualites
[qualities]
Who will love a Christin/Jewish girl? ( haritage-wise).
[Who will love a Christian/Jewish girl? ( heritage-wise).]
integerty
[integrity]
gental,
[gentle]
The expression that the speaker will marry a male and bno a female is perhaps indicative that the speaker might be a hemophrodite?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermaphrodite
Such a condition is indeed very stressful and it is admirable that people can successfully deal with such obstacles successfully.
Very interesting poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hi, Raven here with a review!
Positives:
1: As an asexual, I can relate to this. I've got a girlfriend and I don't understand why people say that I can't have one if I'm ace. Well done creating a relatable poem
2: The line "Odd one out" and the line "Final decision" caught my eye, for some reason. They're pleasurably blunt and strike meaning into the reader despite how short they are. Very good
Negatives:
1: There are a lot of grammatical errors. And I do mean a lot. It would be a good idea to read over your works before you publish them. If English isn't your first language, that's totally cool. Just be a little more careful with spacing.
2: Poems can express emotions on a personal level. That's great. But you're a little too enthusiastic. The last few lines: "A NERD! A BOOKWORM! A WRITER!//(A 'scientist' at heart.)//YEAH, I'M AWESOME!" They hardly relate to the poem, they throw off the flow as well as the mood, and they, to be honest, really don't belong. They seem like something that should be in a teenager's diary instead of stapled onto the end of a poem.
3: The poem was a bit hard to follow. It seemed more like a rant than a poem (excluding a few lines), so I couldn't really enjoy it all that much.
Thank you for reading this review, thank you for posting the poem, and good luck! Bye!
This was a warm read, very good for the heart. I would watch the capitalization towards the end, I don't think it's really needed all that much. And the obvious grammar checking, but I don't like to focus on that. The feel of the poem is lovely, and I can totally relate to the feeling written about here, even though I don't necessarily identify as asexual. Another suggestion would be to just get rid of the "Christian / Jewish girl" part altogether, and just replace it with "me", so that it reads "Who will love me? I do" instead. I think that might have a little bigger impact in a way, making that part of the poem a little more universal. I absolutely love the listing of the body parts followed by "sick." It flowed wonderfully, and it was broken up in a stunning visual way. I'm not sure what the "Disabled. Multiple" part is referring to though? Is that talking about the body parts or about being disabled? Maybe clarify on that part in some way, but that could totally just be me. Loved reading this though, and look forward to more! Keep it up
Hi there queenofscience! I'm stopping by for a short review here.
So we had a few spelling issues here and there that I'll mention quickly. I put them under the spoiler in case you're not interested in the spelling issues.
Spoiler
Line 3 & Line 4: "Eventhough" ---> Should be "Even though" (with a space in between).
Line 4 ---> "I'll" should probably be capitalized to stay consistent with the other times you capitalize the "I" pronoun. Consistency makes everything look clean and doesn't distract readers.
A little bit lower in the poem: "Vocial" --> should be spelled "vocal"
"Christin/Jewish" -> might look look cleaner with a dash rather than a slash in this context. And "Christian" needs an extra "a".
"haritage" is spelled like this ---> "heritage" in the same line as above.
In this line you have three words spelled incorrectly should be "qualities", "gentle", and "integrity".
In the last line "awsome" should be ---> "awesome".
I would encourage you to spend a little extra time editing out those spelling mistakes, because they do end up distracting readers from the message you're trying to put across.
Now onto the content of the poem!
So, I like that you took a unique route with this poem as far as its premise. I also like that the tone was mixed - we have a little bit of sadness, longing for love, and then also some pride - I like that mixture because it can be draining for readers to read a poem with just one note or layer of emotion - this poem covers multiple ones though.
I do think the content ends up feeling a bit scattered though.
In the first few lines, the speaker is describing the difficulty of finding love when one identifies as being asexual. Then the speaker is says what they're looking for "a man", a husband to marry. Next the speaker laments about their qualities that they're afraid people will find undesirable. And lastly they transition to describing their "great qualities" at the end. Obviously the speaker has moved about emotionally a lot from the beginning to the end of the poem and I think it would be good to see some of that emotional transition more directly stated in the bulk of the poem. Rather than just saying "I am this" then "I am that" I would like to read about what the speaker feels about those qualities -- and how they transition from feeling despair to total pride in themselves. The last line of the poem "YEAH, I'M AWESOME!"
My second suggestion would be that I don't think that the formatting of the second half of the poem is as effective as the first half. In the first half, you are blunt and use short direct lines. In the second half it almost sounds like a dating profile online, and for me, becomes a lot less poetic and more like a list. If you formatted these lines:
a bit more like the first half, I think it would sound more poetic, and the reader would have an easier time digesting all of this information. Rather than just reading it as a list they can dismiss, the information would become more meaningful. For instance, I think this might be a more effective way to break up the lines:
"Who will love
Me. A Christian-Jewish girl?
I do.
But will others?
My qualities are great.
I am sweet.
I am gentle.
Smart.
I have integrity.
Yes. I am
Awesome!"
You can of course play with the lines more yourself, but I think that being more direct with shorter lines really makes these words pack more of a punch.
Overall, like I said, I think you have a unique premise that I'd love to see you expand.
Best of luck in your writing and editing! If you have any questions please feel free to reach out and ask!
~alliyah