I close my eyes, feeling jaded and broken and worthless all at once. My knucles are white from my hard grip on the phone. My eyes hurt from the tears trying to escape at the back of my eyeballs. I fight the urge to vomit.
I feel.. I don't know. I din't even know how to describe this feeling. Everything hurts. My eyes, my fingers, my stomach, and my chest -- the cold hollow space where my heart once had been. No, I'm not going to break down. I breathe, slowly, sluggishly. I try to calm my nerves by doing breathing exercise but I can't. A moment later I'm still grasping my phone hard, still holding my tears back, still fighting the vomit and the urge to drink a strong shot of tequila.
I open my eyes, needing to say the truth that has been eating me for the last few minutes.
"He's not real." A tear finally drops down. And the rest follows.
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This is really a great piece. It's so short yet the emotion is captured perfectly. The wording was nice, and I especially liked the final line:
So heartbreaking.
Like I said, it is quite short, but you managed to convey all this emotion and heartache. It's really impressive. So ditto to what SubtleSanity said.
Quick little nitpick:
Should be three dots after "I feel," not two.
Beyond that, outstanding. Flawless. Yeah, just an awesome story.
Keep writing!
I like this one. Simple as that.
Have to say, the way you describe the feelings allow the reader to actually feel the pain and hurt, and more beautiful for it. Besides some spelling, grammar and maybe one punctuation issue, this is a good story. A bit short for my taste, but tasteful nonetheless. See what I did there? See? See... I'm horrible at humor.
I suggest you expand it a bit, just a bit more to let the reader get a much clearer idea of what the situation is and is about.
I have to say, this genre of fiction (flash fiction I believe it's called) is a tough one to crack.
I suppose the idea is to create poetry in the form of prose, except with less imagery and more narrative.
I won't comment on the grammar because the people before me already have, and I don't have any more to add.
What I will say, however, is that a lot of questions remain pretty much unanswered - the text asks more questions and it is important to be very thorough, i think, in not wasting any words that don't have multiple layers of meaning. The idea is to build the story in depth instead of length.
Having said that, I will say the imagery you evoked was quite enjoyable - although bordering on slightly typical: but I guess that gives me the message that it's a teenager we're dealing with which works fine.
My advice is to either put this piece into a longer one, or dig deeper into it
T x
Hi SaccharineAm, Tsholdin here for a review!
I think Subtle did very well!
I love that in this you used lots of emotion, it helped me feel the pain that you are feeling in this. I didn't see any nitpick issues that Subtle didn't bring up.
At the end, I felt the emptiness and wondered, who were you calling? Who was he? Was he in fact real or just imagined? But I like that I wondered this. Some things are better left unanswered.
May your days be successful and meaningful,
-TH
I absolutely love this!
Hi SaccharineAm, Subtle here for a review!
din't is didn't.Wow, this story although short actually do that feeling of hurt and anger justice, is very realistic. Even though the language is simple, it has that raw hurt and anger in it, coupled with some of descriptions you've thrown it there. Not to much, just enough to let the readers know how you feel.
I know this is a personal piece, but I had to pick out this spelling mistake.
And then...the ending left me wondering. Are you saying he's not real, because he's broken up with you and that you are convincing yourself? Or is he just a fragment of your mind? This is a short, simple but interesting story! Nice work, and keep on writing!
-S.s