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Monstrosity

by quaintrelle


I feel like robbed of my vocabulary. My tongue is hiding behind my palettes, as if a child underneath the blankets. Afraid of the monster in her closet. No, it wasn't the walls. Although I can feel them, every inch, every piece of cement, every bit of the pungent smell from the paint ages ago, every chipped color. Coming, closing, crashing, inch by inch, into me. Trapping me; all these four walls. Confining me to my thoughts. Poisoning me with my own blood. They're smart, I tell you. They let you eat yourself alive with your thoughts, regrets, misgivings and misinterpretations. Very hideous too, these walls. They're not always four, they're not always concrete, they're not always covered with paint. Sometimes they're your people, the voices of your conventional support, your strongest foundation. Sometimes it's you. Most of the time it's you. Most of the time, it will be you. You are your own criminal, your feral poison. You are the savage beast, the most grotesque of them all. The monster in the closet, it's you.


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49 Reviews


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Thu Jan 23, 2014 3:06 pm
wakarimasen wrote a review...



Wow. Just wow. This was so articulate and I could relate to almost every word! As a writer, I draw similarities between my inner critic and this aforementioned monstrosity. My inner critic is always the one to give the harshest critique of my writing efforts, and it's up to me to stand strong and prove it wrong.

I'm not very good at catching errors, but I thought your first three sentences could have been punctuated a bit differently:

"I feel like *I've been (or something along those lines)* robbed of my vocabulary. My tongue is hiding behind my palettes, *like* a child underneath the blankets, afraid of the monster in her closet." I thought there might be some missing words, and the sentence beginning with "Afraid" looked like a fragmented sentence that would still flow fine if it was joined with the preceding one.

Despite that, this piece is very readable and the message is RESOUNDING!




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27 Reviews


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Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:36 pm
Bol wrote a review...



Oh my God, this story was just brilliant.
The way you wrote this was so amazing, I this is what you can think of at work then I feel, know, that if you tried to do this on a bigger scale you'll make a story to set the heart racing and the blood pounding.
I don't really approve of your use of the semi colon, but maybe that's because I rarely use it myself, but besides those there's nothing else to really criticize. A beautiful story, with a good moral to it.




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Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:30 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...



For something that popped into your brain while trying to work, I like this very much. It's very poetic and conveys the meaning in such a small word count. While the comma vs semicolon usage CAN be nitpicked at, I feel that it's easy to read past those. I only get finicky about those when they interrupt the flow of your story, and I this case they don't. So great job on this, and as always, keep writing ^.^




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42 Reviews


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Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:36 am
horrendous wrote a review...



i'm glad i checked this out. i came into this expecting a bite sized horror story, but i'm pleased at how it slowly progressed into personal commentary, and even though it's not conventional, it still evokes its own style of horror. the imagery of the four walls closing in is perfectly frightening and goes along with the commentary, as well as the monster in the closet.

i really enjoyed this and was very pleased with the transition, like a twist ending. very evocative. keep it up!




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:24 pm
Ningy says...



I really like this. I like how you describe how they're coming to get you and how they cause you to loose your sanity. I really, really like it! It reminds me of school...




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8 Reviews


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Tue Jan 21, 2014 11:57 am
quaintrelle says...



Hello! Thanks for the reviews! You have no idea how scarfed I was. It's like throwing a piece of meat in a den of hungry tigers. The piece of meat being this piece. Strangely, I felt really great after reading your reviews. Really, thank you <3




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:33 am
Susurrus wrote a review...



Hello! I like this piece because though it is prose, it is very poetic. Your descriptions are clear and beautiful. I just have a few comments -

1.

as if a child underneath the blankets

I think this would read much better if you said "as it it were a child underneath the blankets.

2.
My tongue is hiding behind my palettes, as if a child underneath the blankets. Afraid of the monster in her closet.

You ought to merge these two sentences. Otherwise the second doesn't have a subject and thus is awkward. Traditionally, prose doesn't enable the writer as much freedom as poetry.

3.
Trapping me; all these four walls.

A semicolon is used to link two independent clauses. Using it seems very odd in this situation.

4.
Although I can feel them, every inch

Here would be a could place for a colon as you are creating a list after a statement that could potentially stand alone.

5.
Most of the time it's you. Most of the time, it will be you.

Repeating this statement seems redundant. You're basically saying the same thing twice.

6.
The monster in the closet, it's you.

The comma here is so awkward. Just say "The monster in the closet is you." Personally the original statement is just so stilted due to the comma.

In all, I think you shared a universal sentiment that a lot of people can relate to. Your descriptive language really made this piece for me.

Thanks!




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:16 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



Hello, Subtle here for a review. I liked the idea behind this short piece, and as short stories are always difficult to write. I find this one conveyed what you want somewhat well, I say somewhat because of some of the unnecessary repetiveness in this story.i know you mean to emphasize the feeling of frustration, the feeling of being trapped in your own thoughts and misery. Unable to move or free yourself, and yes I do get your message that we are the monster of ourselves.

However, I find it would be better if you separated this into paragraphs. It would not seem as if you were repeating the same things. It would give your story the clarity and the dynamic it needed. Like here:

'Coming, closing......' Make a line break there.

And here, I think you can rephrase it better. 'These walls, they are hideous too.' and then line break after it.

The one thing I really enjoyed of your piece was actually the descriptions of the walls, how they are never one thing, they will never stay the same, they can be your strongest or your weakest points. I find you expresses these ideas very well, I also enjoyed the picture, the message you are conveying to the readers. So besides from the format, and the little nitpicks that a review below me has pointed out. The descriptions are quite lovely, and this piece has a very realistic voice to it. Good job! I enjoyed reading it and I hope I wasn't too harsh.

-S.s




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:11 am
PrehistoricEchoes wrote a review...



A very short story...yet...I like it. I'm not usually a fan of extremely short stories, yet this one drew me in (far more than some of the lengthier ones my English teacher's had me read). It's sort of poetic in a way I can't put my finger on, but mainly prose.

This very much reflects the idea that "you are your own worst enemy," where we all attack ourselves the worst. Really allows readers to relate without even knowing the 'main character' (if you can even call the narrator that).

Seems that there are a few grammatical errors, for instance:

"Trapping me; all these four walls."

I don't know why, but the semicolon feels unnecessary. Then again, I'm not terribly well-versed with the rules of semicolons, though, so don't trust me too much there XD.

All in all, a great story. Excellent work for what you said was a quick idea.




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:05 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hi there!
This was something interesting. It was short but sweet, and had a nice eeriness to it. Your use of language here is very good, and for such a short piece it was intense and gripping. It goes some great places, and although it's fast-paced, it feels decently paced. I don't think it needed to be longer, but it still left me wanting more!

I had a couple of nitpicks:

I feel like robbed of my vocabulary

Slightly weird wording, I think you either need to get rid of the 'like' or have 'like I am robbed of'. First sentence, so it kind of needs to be good.

No, it wasn't the walls.

This felt like it came from nowhere, because you hadn't mentioned the walls before this.

Great job!




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Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:03 am
Willard wrote a review...



Strange here, and I have a review for you!
I'm sorry I picked this up so fast. It appeared once I refreshed the Green Room.
To start off, this is a story full of figurative language. Its fluent throughout. I really liked what words you used. It really goes down like a waterfall. The emotion of the narrator is strong. You used it fluently. That's the main reason why I liked the poem.
I had a few cons, too. This seems like poetry. Really lyrics to a song. I didn't really find a story element to it. I've seen this many times before. Is there really anything that separates it? Well, no. Is it good? Yes. This reminds me of Love, Actually. First came out Love, Actually; Then Valentine's Day and New Years Eve. They all have their strengths, but really eh.
Overall, I liked it
Strange gives you....
6.7/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay Groovy





You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon