Thanks to Bluewaterlily for proofreading it. <3
The pale sun gave warming up the cold streets of St. Petersburg one last attempt before retreating behind the skyline of beautiful old buildings, leaving the people to face the corrosive cold breeze on their own. The falling night cast a blue shade on the fresh snow which gave the city something mysterious.
The young woman shivered lightly as she stepped out of the Russian National Library, clinging onto a small book. The wind teased her long blonde curls. She walked underneath the curved bridge and down the steps with an absent look in her eyes, tenderly stroking the cover of the book with her fingers. A soft smile played on her lips.
The cab driver tapped on his wheel impatiently as she made her way towards the car. The young woman had asked him to wait, promising it would only take a minute but he wished she would have just called another cab. He would have liked to be home already by now, as it was a Friday.
The young woman stepped in and struggled a bit with her Russian when she tried to explain where he could drop her off. To foreigners she sounded like a native but the real native speakers immediately noticed her accent and defective pronunciation.
The woman paid the cabdriver in advance and leaned back into the leather seats. She gave the book one last admiring stare before tucking it away in her coat. The buildings outside started flashing by faster and she focused on the darkening sky instead. Her forehead rested against the cold window, which caused her to shiver but she didn't seem to mind at all. The small smile still decorated her angelic face, making her deep ocean blue eyes sparkle lightly.
When they reached the flat after a long twenty minutes, the young woman quickly got out and her shy voice almost got carried away by the wind when she thanked the cab driver. He mumbled a goodbye and drove off, leaving a deep trail in the still beautifully white snow. The young woman took a deep breath and her smile widened for a small second. The street was completely deprived of people and for the most parts, the snow was still untouched.
She hesitantly stared at the small flat which the university had hired for its exchange students. It was cold and the dark had almost swallowed the last light, but the young woman couldn't seem to resist the simple beauty of the small street that was covered in a layer of pure white. She walked a few meters and took place at a low fence after she had wiped it clean with her sleeve. A content sigh escaped her lips as she quietly observed this silent beauty.
Suddenly a couple of heavy footsteps quietly echoed between the cold stone walls, putting an end to the young woman's eased mind. The sound of snow being scrunched came closer. The young woman saw two dark silhouettes appear on the sidewalk only fifty meters away from her. Doubt flashed through her eyes when she tried to decide whether or not to go back to her flat. Walking away would be rather rude and the young woman, to whom manners were very important, chose to stay where she was.
A sense of relief came over her when she saw that it was a couple in their mid-thirties. The small smile returned to her face and she kindly greeted them. The walkers gave her a warm smile and were about to pass when the man suddenly rushed towards the young woman and pressed a damp cloth against her mouth and nose. The young woman screamed in terror and tried to pull away, but the chloroform had already entered her system when she tried to take a deep breath.
Her eyelids suddenly felt very heavy and she had no energy left to keep them open. The last thing she heard was a cardoor being opened before everything went black.
Hello there.
First off, I totally agree with Snoink's review above. Don't worry, I'm not going to repeat and point out every errors and common mistakes I have noticed since it will be too repetitive and I don't want to annoy you in all of that.
Since this is a prologue, I will be honest- the first part wasn't interesting to me until I read the last one. With all of the adjectives popping here and there, it was difficult for me to comprehend and picture the scene very well. Don't overuse adjectives since it weakens your prose. Try reading a random good novel, and see (or count) how many adjectives the writer uses. Only use them when it's necessary, like the weather- yes, it's cold but how can you describe the cold? Does the young woman rubs her hands for warmth? Or does her nose begins to hurt because of the cold temperature?
What do you mean by corrosive cold breeze? How do you picture some beautiful old buildings?
The first sentence of the prologue is too long, making the story sluggish. I know you're aiming for a good first line that would hook your readers in an instance, but a verbosely-worded sentence ruins it. Simplicity is much (much) better.
Also, I would like you to describe more of the "kidnapping" scene, since this is actually the 'climax' in the prologue. I have seen and read a lot of kidnapping scenes like what you are offering right now in your story, so I would suggest the ending should be more a little bit unpredictable or original? And it confused me because you shifted the "couple" to "walkers"? Walkers to me sounds like the zombies in Walking Dead. haha ^^. Lastly, this depends on you but I think it would be more be thrilling if the scene happened in an alley than on a sidewalk...? I don't know, a sidewalk could mean there are cars passing by- whereas, an alley- we can already picture a dark lonely place- something like that. ^^ That's just a suggestion though.
Hope this helps and at least take some comments into consideration. Let me know if you have any questions.
Peace out.
Um... how do I put this nicely?
Pretend that you have to pay a dollar for every adjective and five dollars for every adverb in this piece. You would be broke by the end of this.
You try to show her character by using adjectives. Except... well... that's the worst way to show character. The best way to show her character is to watch what she does. Now, with that said, let's see what she does...
1. She walks out of a library.
2. She takes a cab.
3. She "hesitantly stares" (whatever that means.
4. She jumps at a noise.
5. She smiles at a couple.
6. She gets drugged.
All the description is in passing and not really in depth.
...so, basically, we don't really know anything about her at all.
Instead, you're trying to make us feel like we know her by using all these adjectives. She is only a sweet girl because you told us. Well... guess what?
Show, don't tell.
It would be a lot more revealing as to her actual character if we saw her fumbling in her Russian with the cab driver. Most likely, she would try to smile and use hand gestures, and the cab driver would nod and get that she was a friendly person in a strange land. You would hardly have to use descriptions at all!
By the way... Russians rarely acknowledge strangers on the street. My Ukrainian "sister" (and her Russian friend confirmed this) was always weirded out when I smiled and nodded at people. So! Different culture, really.
Basically? Less adjectives! Tell a story.
I feel this is a very good start to what I believe is going to be a great story. I commend you for leading your readers on and then leaving off as soon as she is kidnapped. It immediately makes them start asking questions and keeps them coming back for the answers.
The only correction I could find was instead of saying that the snow was untouched for the "most parts" I believe it should be "most part". However, that was very minor and did not detract from the story telling at all.
All in all, great start and I cannot wait to read more. :]
I love this piece. I'm a new follower of yours and your writing is amazing. You're writing is very lucid and descriptive. You kept the mystery going. I love the way you gave the reader a sense of relief that turned into sheer terror when the "lovely couple" kidnapped her. One thing I would critique is that you use the word "the" many times to start your sentences. I'm not sure if it is intentional, but it gives your work a repetitive feeling.
Also right here when it says:"The young woman stepped in and struggled a bit with her Russian when she tried to explain where he could drop her off." Her Russian what?
But wow! I can't wait to read this story! Great job!
I love your detail and fluency with words. The prologue isn't too short or too long or overwhelming or dragging at all. I am truly intrigued, and I have very little to complain about. Although, you could have reworded a few sentences to be a little bit more readable, but the overall message is across. Like: "Walking away would be rather rude and the young woman, to whom manners were very important, chose to stay where she was." There's nothing particularly wrong with the sentence, but it could be written a little better. Also, you don't really need to use the word "chloroform" at the end. It's a little too 'scientific' for my tastes, if you know what I mean. You could just use a similar, more broader term to replace it like 'poison' or forget that line. Other than that, it's really enjoyable. You have definite experience, and I look forward to reading more of your material. Keep on writing.
Dragon Rider
A very descriptive piece. I like your style.
I have a few nitpicks, but I was very thorough... some of these are really little things.
This is fine as is, but in my opinion it's better to use one descriptive word rather then a descriptive word coupled with a kind of boring word like 'pulled'. Basically what I'm saying is I think it would sound better if instead of what's in red you just used the word, "teased"... try it out, if you don't like the way it sounds, forget about it, or maybe try reworking it on your own.
I think the words you're looking for are "leaned", and, "tucking".
It would sound better if that 'a' was deleted.
That 'the' should be deleted... and I think the word 'to' would serve better then 'on'.
That's it for nitpicks...
I really liked your style. Lots of good descriptions, and your setting was very clear, it helped that in your first sentence you mention Saint Petersburgh... I felt kind of like I didn't know enough- or maybe I just wanted to know more about this girl... almost like she was too... mysterious, with her mysterious book and everything. But it's a prologue, so it's kind of supposed to be mysterious... so I it's fine.
I guess that's about it. I'd love to read more
Also cool title
This is good, i think there is a bit of punctuation missing, but oh well, this draws us in, sound really interesting, lookingforward to reading more, if there is some to come.