I Lie
In the sky
On the Brightest Star
And wonder...
.
A candle
By the bureau
In a house covered in snow
Wonders-
What kindle's above it's heart
And what lights up-
And blinds those too close.
.
A nightingale
Locked in a cage-
In a house, far-far away
Wonders-
What lies past that tree
And what the air feels like-
Beyond the bars.
.
A prisoner
In the gallows
Staring Helheim in the face
Wonders-
What lies beyond-This prison he has created
And what pulls him back inside.
.
While a mariner
On the Grandest ocean
Conquers that storm- And Crows
Of his grandeur
Oblivious-
To the tempest approaching.
.
And the Cosmos
Athwart all eternity
Wonders-
How vacuous these imbeciles are
Who wonder-
Oblivious to the vastness.
.
And lying
On the Brightest Star
In the cosmos
I wonder....
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I would suggest working on connecting the stanzas together, and making the images meaningful. Unless the point of the poem is disconnect or randomness.
I interpreted this poem to be about a person spinning in a circle seeing more an more things around their room until they started floating into the sky and noticing everything in their entire world, and then as they land back on earth they try to write everything down, but they're a bit dizzy so all they can do is write in phrases that don't really go together. That was my interpretation overall.
To be honest, I was very intrigued by the author's note, but I don't see any eschatological or existential questions being asked - just randomness. The best way to remedy this would be to connect the stanzas together a bit more through imagery or narrative or symbolism.
You do have some great word choice,"vacuous" and "cosmos" -- but it all could connect quite a bit more, until then, it's hard to get much from it for me.
don't fear the poet, just the poem
-metrophobia
Hello, there! I'm Elisabet, here to review your work!
I've always been intrigued by stars and the idea that our Universe is far more grand and fantastic than we could ever imagine. You putting that wonder into words made me smile and I applaud you for taking on such a challenge and doing a really great job with it! I found myself loving this piece and your creative choices through it.
Now, onto some (constructive) criticism/comments!
I found this concept quite interesting, actually. Laying on a star, admiring the beauty of the Universe, and what it truly has to offer. I can imagine our character doing this even without much description provided. You've created a sense of simple yet captivating imagery here almost effortlessly. Great hook, and good work so far! I'm finding a lot of things I like about your style and the way you use words to really draw in your reader is earning you a huge thumbs-up from me.
I love how easily your piece switched perspectives. You just made that choice and I was perfectly okay with it. I think it adds a lot, actually, to your work. The concept of just exploring your character's mind whilst laying on the star would have proven to need a change eventually, and you picked the right time to transition. Well done.
I also took fondness to your personifying of the candle. Giving it a heart and a mind made me, as the reader, find more interest in it.
On the more technical side of things, since this candle is still an object, the line...
...is grammatically incorrect. This candle would qualify as an "it" (an object, not a living thing) and so "it's" should be "its". I know it sounds a bit odd, as most of the time we're told that it should be the other way around, but that's the correct way to do it. Just a little tip to help you in the future with this sort of thing.
("Kindle's" should also be "kindles").
You brought in that simple imagery that I love here, but it fell a bit short for this particular part of the piece. I'd consider going back and adding a bit more by asking yourself these questions:
1. What can I add to the tree that may add more wonder? (If you're aiming for said wonder this may be something you may want to consider if you choose to go back and edit.)
2. Where is this house? Is there more I could say about it? Why is the nightingale there?
3. Could I possibly contribute more to the idea of "what the air feels like beyond the bars"? What more could I add to this taste of freedom?
This is hands-down my favorite part of this piece. Not much to say about it except that it'a gorgeous part of your work that I loved. Great job here.
Love that you threw in both seemingly small objects/creatures and also grand ones, like this "mariner". It shows that you're willing to explore your theme without going too far out of bounds and I really appreciate that in writing. Your use of words is extraordinary, as well. Well done.
The rest of the piece had a similar feel and some really great vibes surrounding it. You've seriously created something truly great here. I love the coziness yet wonderous aura you've got wrapped around this and I truly think you'll be able to thrive as a writer if you continue doing what you're doing.
I really enjoyed this. Thanks for the opportunity to read,
Elisabet
This review is courtesy of Elisabet of Team Polar Express!
Happy (Late) November Review Day!
Thank you so much for this review! I will definitely try to improve my work and take your suggestions into account. Just want to thank you again because this is the most helpful review i've gotten. Have a good day!
Glad I could help!
Heyo! This is pretty cool 😎.
One of my favorite lines:
"Staring Helheim in the face"... or ""Oblivious- To the tempest approaching"
One thing that could be fixed is the lack of commas... which is really your choice and you used the dashes instead, I just. Like commas? Idk? And some of them are better as dashes in my opinion, but I always like to use commas. I'm weird like that. Seriously. I have just realized it while commenting/reviewing poetry on this website... what's with me and commas????? 😂
You also could use a period on the end of certain lines to maybe make the pause even longer. Honestly other than punctuation I'm not all that sure what to say...
I really liked the poem and the different stories somewhat connecting was really interesting! Mmmmmmmmmm..... maybe you could separate the "what lies beyond-This prison he has created"? And have two separate lines there? To me that would seem to flow a little bit better there but, as it always is, it's up to you and what you think about it.
I really enjoyed this!!!!!!!!
KEEP WRITING! And Happy Review Day!
~RowenaLymn
Thanks for the review!!! Well, you have a thing with commas and i have a thing with dashes%uD83D%uDE02, I don't know why i include them, I just do! Thanks again and have a good day!
P.S The line "What lies beyond- this prison he has created is supposed to be one line with a subtle pause, again... The dash thing%uD83D%uDE02.
Hi there!
I really like this poem! So I just noticed a few things, and I will jump right into them.
First thing:
"What kindle's above it's heart"
I would say: "What kindles it's heart." Saying it like that makes it flow better, and it isn't so awkward.
Second:
"And blinds those too close." Maybe try: "And binds those two close.
The last thing is that you misspelled "nightingale." That's okay, everyone makes mistakes!
I hope this helped a little, and keep up the good work!
Thank you!
"What kindles its heart" does make it better!
And thanks for pointing out the spelling mistake, I made a lot of them while typing, had to edit quite a few times.
Again Thank you for helping!!!!