Often one’s heart is somebody’s claim.
Few have free spirits and hold Nature’s name.
You held mine with an iron grip
While I writhed and tried away to slip.
Though I remember your bare feet
And how when I slept, they padded so sweet.
How the scars you wore put you to shame,
But I loved them still with a passion aflame.
The winter bruises did not disappear
The charming recollection nowhere near
Masked the pain you inflicted in so many ways
Though my heart has yearned for you on many days.
Your warm hands clasped my colder ones in ways I can not express,
You fit like a glove but left me in loneliness.
All the pain I have endured
Made your bonds on me tighter, that I assure.
I don’t belong to God or to Nature or to me
You claimed my heart and became an absentee.
-e.s.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Leaving a relationship is the hardest thing to do and I feel I've had the same experience as you. Though my relationship was only six months I felt like i had been captive forever. At first it was love but it turned into something else. It sucked having to leave and I would give anything to have that first love that I had with him but I know it won't happen. Its hard to move on but this poem is just another reminder of the bad which is what I need to remember so I don't go back. Great job keep on keeping on.
Hey we're the same age so I won't feel so weird when I review.[I feel weird when the person's older]
Okay. I'm reviewing as I'm reading.
"You held mine with an iron grip" A strong and powerful line.
The words you use they are strong,meaningful and touching.
"Made your bonds on me tighter, that I assure.'' I don't know what to say.....
Okay your poem was amazing but as it was a true story umm...I'm sorry for whatyou've been through umm... okay bye...nice poem...
Thank you %u2665%u2665
Hey there!
Welcome to YWS, I really enjoyed reading this piece so I thought I'd leave a little review.
I think "away" could just be removed to make it clearer.I think you have a really good handle of using colorful language to express your ideas. There are some really creative lines in here - I like the line about "winter bruises" and then the first & last two lines especially. My only suggestions are somewhat minor - a few lines are stretching it, as far as line length. And a couple of your rhymes seemed forced "sweet" & "feet" just didn't sound quite right - but that's just my opinion there. Also I think line 4 is awkwardly worded,
Otherwise, I thought the content was solid - the meaning becomes vague in a few lines, but overall you do a good job painting a tone and scene. I look forward to reading more of your work.
~alliyah
I have a way with my poetry where I mix around the way sentences are supposed to be said, and it creates a different texture to the poem. Line four is like that. Thank you for your review though and I'll take your criticism into consideration!
Ooh, a new member! Welcome to the society and thanks for following me!
I loved this poem as soon as I read the first two lines. Often one’s heart is somebody’s claim. Few have free spirits and hold Nature’s name. It sounds like something straight out of a fairy tale book, like a magic spell or something along those lines. I think it's your use of rhyme that does this, but also your chose of words. They're simple but descriptive, and your choice of words conjures images of snowy winters and hot chocolate into my mind.
The emotions you're expressing come across loud and clear, yet I feel like this is the sort of poem that becomes personal to the reader as well. I see someone completely devoted to one person, but that person has gone away. And it's like that person is pulling on the narrator's very heart strings, and as they go further away, the heart gets tugged harder- there's so much pain. But that passion is still there, burning 'aflame', as you say. That's my interpretation, but someone else might get something completely different out of it, and that's a beautiful thing.
My only suggestion is about the last line. You’ve claimed my heart and became an absentee. Though not technically true, I don't think, it seems as if you've mixed up your tenses. 'You have claimed' and 'became' don't quite work, in my opinion. I think it would flow better if you got rid of the 'have'.
There you go, that's my review completed! I loved this poem, and once again, welcome to Yewis!
Thank you so much! I appreciate this review a ton! Ah good point about the last line, I never was one for how it sounded but I wasn't quite sure how to fix it! Thanks again! xx