Andy
The rest of junior year worst of my college career. I spent all year trying to get Willie’s attention and she spent all year ignoring me. She didn’t even have a hard time doing it, she just got caught up in all of her homework and studying and shut everyone out. I went to her dorm so many times her roommates started making her answer the door every time because they knew it was going to be me.
But the thing that made me most mad was that we had a bunch of classes together and she still never talked to me. I found out that we were both double majoring in Youth Ministry and English when I actually started going to class. Then she started coming to the Christian study group at the coffee shop that I went to so we saw each other all the time and she just kept ignoring me.
Finally one day in senior year I went to her dorm room her roommates shoved her out of the room and locked the door behind her.
Willie
He took me out for supper that night and when we finished he drove us out to a field and got out of the car. I followed him and he got in the back of his truck and helped me up too. The back was filled with pillows and blankets and we lay on our backs and looked at the stars in silence. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the morning.
The rest of that year we went out on a lot of dates and got to know each other better and the last day of his senior year he told me he bought a house and wanted me to move in with him. It was close enough to campus and it was a big step up from living with my roommates so I agreed. And we both agreed that I would get the bed one night and he would get it the next and so on and the other would sleep on the pull-out couch.
The house was also near the church I grew up in so we started going there together. The youth pastor had just moved away so Pastor Jackson, a close friend of mine, gave Andy the job. I volunteered for the youth group, and we both wrote in our free time.
After a few months of living together Andy and I went to a baseball game. It was long and I didn’t even like baseball but I went to spend time with Andy.
“So, do you like it?” Andy asked.
I raised my eyebrows at him, “What do you think?”
“No,” he laughed. Then we sat in silence for a while. We were normally pretty good at keeping a conversation going but Andy was acting really shy and quiet and I had no idea why.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Then all of the sudden he reached in his pocket and got on one knee in the stands. “Will you marry me?”
“Uh,” my face was burning and I looked up and saw that we were on the big screen. Andy looked and saw it too. His face went white and his breathing sped up. “Yes," I said quickly.
He smiled and put the ring on my finger but his face was still white and his eyes were huge. We were still on the big screen and people started chanting “kiss, kiss, kiss!” Andy started chewing on the inside of his cheek like he always did when he was worried or embarrassed. His eyes were darting between the big screen and me. “I guess we have to.” I said and pulled him in for a quick kiss that neither of us really wanted.
When we pulled away he whispered, “I’m so sorry, that’s not what I wanted it to be like,” into my ear. The camera finally went away from us and we finished watching the game in silence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya! Thank you so much for notifying me about the new chapter. Almost everyone who I ask doesn't and I end up missing out on some great stories. I'll get straight to reviewing.
I think you've gotten too excited about the plot of your story that you've forgotten to write events inbetween the big scenes. I'd like to know more about how they enjoyed living together, the dates they went on, etc. That said, if the big plot twist, middle part of your story is coming after they are married, then it wouldn't matter that you've skipped things. But you've gotten me so attached to Willie and Andy that I'd like to know what happens before they get married.
The rest of junior year worst of my college career.
This first line didn't make sense. I think it should be something like the rest of junior year was the worst part of my college career. Or something along those lines.
Then she started coming to the Christian study group at the coffee shop that I went to so we saw each other all the time and she just kept ignoring me.
This is a good summary of what's happened, but instead of just saying that she ignored him, tell us how. Did he make eye contact and she looked away? Did he say hello and she just shrugged him off? What happened when she continually answered the door? I skip important details all the time when I write, so I don't really have a right to point it out in your writing, but it would be something good to improve on.
“Nothing,” he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Then all of the sudden he reached in his pocket and got on one knee in the stands. “Will you marry me?”
I thought they moved in together a bit suddenly, now they're getting married? That escalated quickly.
However, apart from what I've said, I did really enjoy the the last scene. It was so cute, especially Andy's little whisper at the end.
I hope you'll continue this, and please tell me what happened previously!
Thanks! I'll keep this in mind while reviewing!
Heya Steph, pretzelsing here for a promised review. Thanks so much for the PM and reminding me, I usually don't look in the green room because I am following a lot of novels that I am behind on.
I want to see them looking into each other eyes, holding hands, telling another ILY, holding hands, acting like they care for each other etc. Use dialogue and show us their interaction. That will make the story much better.
Let's begin,shall we?
First of all, woah, you gotta sloooow down. This story was waaaay too fast-paced and it was like galloping on a horse, falling down, and not understanding a lot of things. I suggest that this part can be literally expanded into 5-6 chapters. You want to show details, give examples of their dates, show us how their in love,etc. This really didn't seem like a budding romace, just a story on a piece of paper.
Well written stories should give your as mental image and slideshow us what is going on.Here is a really great article that I recommend reading! It's about show and tell in your writing.
A Clueless Writer's Guide to Writing Romance
Pacing, and why it is important
You need more romance and lovey-dovey stuff
I think that you also have to be way more specific because here you are very vague.
How did it about her roommates that he kept visiting? Why did she stop ignoring him and agree to go on a date? What type of house did they live in? How much homework did she have? What type of novels were they working on? You have to all yourself questions on every idea and make it extremely specific.
I also think that switching POV isn't the best idea, because you're chapters are very short, and I think that you can make them longer. And then switching characters in the middle makes your chapter look even shorter. Also just a to tip to make easier readability for the readers-put the characters names on bold. See what I mean, Steph?
The whole proposal sounded very unnatural and I dont think that it would take place that quickly and in as public place where they were bound to feel uncomfortable. Andy would have planned it better, and I think that Willie should have hesitated a little bit more. I mean she avoided him and ignored him for the first half of the school year, and suddenly they are engaged. Realistically, some couples wait and date a long time before they get engaged/marry because this is a big life changing decision, and your are going to spend the rest of your life with this person. See what I mean Steph?
Question: how did they even get on the big screen? Why?
Another thing, (I know that I am rambling about the proposal bit I really don't like the way that it was written)
Think about it, if Willie doesn't like baseball games, then why did he take her and propose in one?(a disliked place is not a fun place to enjoy)
OK now technical errors:
You don't have a career in college Steph. You study in college to have a career after you graduate. Do you see what I mean?
Wait, what about her family and close friends? Did she sit those out too? That kind of seemed unrealistic and unbelievable and makes Willie's character seem distant. Is that how your wasn't to portray her, Steph?
Isn't both Willie and Andy Christian? I mean does this have moral implications and go agianst their belief?
I would capitalize the first kiss.
That's it from me! If you have any questions feel free to PM me. I think that this needs a lot of work and potential but I hope that I gave you some pointers. Keep on writing!
Thanks! This review was very helpful! I'll try to add more description and details and lengthen this whole thing a little! I'll keep this stuff in mind!
No problem, as long as you keep it in mind when editing it for your second draft