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The Story of Us Chapter Two: Andy

Chapter Two: Andy

She was the prettiest person I’d ever seen.

After she left the pool, I got back into the main pool and hung out with my ‘friends’ for a while.

When I left I went straight home and told our cook that we would be having company. Then I asked our maid to clean a little extra today because someone special was coming.

“I’ve never heard you refer to one of your girlfriends that way before, Andy,” Marcy, our maid since I was a baby said.

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t. Maybe this one really is special, but she’s not officially my girlfriend yet and she doesn’t like me very much so don’t say anything, please,” I begged.

“My, my, I think she is special, but I promise not to say anything,” Marcy said.

“Oh, and she’s a lot different than anyone I’ve ever brought over before. Not an airhead, prissy, model type of girl, although she’s pretty enough to be one,” I added.

“I see. Don’t worry, Andy, I won’t say anything,” my parents always told the staff to call me Andrew, like they did, but they know I hate the name so they call me Andy behind my parent’s backs.

I went downstairs to my dad’s den and told him company was coming. Then I ran upstairs to my mom’s music room and told her too. My mom was a composer and music lesson teacher. She loved her job and was really passionate about it. She mostly taught more classical instruments like violin, viola, cello, string bass, brass and woodwind instruments, and piano, but she also did some lessons for classic and electric guitar, bass guitar, and drums, and singing lessons.

After I told my mom I went to the attic where my brother's room was. Danny stayed up in the attic when he was home, but he was out with friends most of the time anyway. He was the type of kid who was naturally good at everything he did and he could screw around with his friends more than study and still do well in school, kind of like me except I'm not as smart as he is. He looks just like me, but neither of us look like our dad because he's technically our step-dad, but we don't look all that much like our mom either. She tells us we look like our Father, who died two months before Danny was born. Danny despised our step-dad because he's always pressuring Danny to do more and more extracurricular activities even though he's already in most of the good ones. He's also never really got along with our mom because they don't have much in common and she always brings up our biological father like the memory of him is a happy one. He's a junior in high school even though he should be a freshman; he skipped a couple of years when he was little. According to mom he got his intelligence from our Father.

"Hey, someone's coming over for dinner so you should come down and eat with us for once," I told him.

"Who's coming?" He asked me.

"A friend," I responded.

"A girlfriend?" he asked suddenly uninterested in coming to join us for dinner.

"A friend who just happens to be a girl," I explained. "She's not like my other girlfriends. She's like you, smart, funny, quiet. Come on Danny."

"You mean Daniel?" he said making fun of how our parents want people to call us by our full names as he turned back to his computer where he was writing an essay for some smart-kid's extracurricular. "I don't want to go down there and I don't want to talk to dad. He's annoying and expects way top much from me. But thanks for the compliment. Plus, I doubt this girl's actually smart and funny, you just have a crush on her."

"Danny, please?" I walked over to his computer desk and got up in his face with a puppy-dog expression.

"Fine, just get out of my face," he shoved me away. "I'll be down in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Danny-boy," I left the room and ran down the stairs to make sure everything was ready for when Willie came.

Willie didn’t show up so I told everyone I was going to go get her. Danny gave me an aggravated look because I was leaving him with mom and dad but I ignored him and grabbed the keys to my car. I drove to the college, went to the all-girls dorm room and used my key card that opened every door on campus to get in. I looked through the whole building until I found the door with her name on it. I knocked and waited.

One of Willie’s roommates answered the door.

“Oh my gosh, hey gals, who ordered a hot guy for supper?” It was Tasha. I had gone out with her my freshmen year. All of her roommates came running to the door except Willie.

“Um, is Willie here?” I asked.

“Yeah, she probably just didn’t hear me. She does this weird thing where she blocks out all of the noise while she studies. I heard she had fourteen siblings so she’s used to a noisy house,” Tasha said.

“I heard she had seventeen siblings,” one of the other girls gossiped.

“I don’t actually care,” I said although I had heard some stuff like that about her too. I pushed past them into their dorm room and poked my head in each of the rooms until I found the one Willie was in. She was sitting on her bed with her back to me studying. “Hey, why didn’t you come?” She didn't answer, maybe her roommates were right and she had all the distractions blocked out. I walked to the other side of the bed so she could see me. She looked up from her book at me and slammed the book shut.

“I told you I wasn’t going and I meant it,” she said.

“I told you I’d come and kidnap you if you didn't come and I meant it.” I retorted. She raised her eyebrows at me and tried to hold back a smile.

Then her expression became serious again.

“I have studying to do,” she said. I reached up to the top bunk where she was sitting and grabbed her arm. I pulled her off the bed and hung her over my shoulder. “Put me down!”

“Sorry,” I laughed again. I carried her past her roommates and heard one say, “I wish that was me”. I rolled my eyes and carried her out of the dorm room and out to my car. I put her in the passenger seat and drove her to my house. “Come on, I can’t be seen carrying you into my house.”

“Ugh,” Willie groaned and got up and followed me into my house. I felt really self-conscious as she looked around our giant house. If the rumors were true she lived with all of her siblings in a three bedroom, one bathroom house. My house had two extra bedrooms and a bathroom none of us actually use. Plus, Danny was my only sibling.

When we got inside I led her to our dining room and told her to sit in the seat in between my dad and me. My parents and Danny were already seated and the minute we sat down the kitchen staff came out and gave us our food. Willie said thank you each time something was placed in front of her, but I’d been served like this since I was a baby so I’d never even thought to say thank you. Then I noticed that my mother, who came from a poor family, said thank you like Willie, but my father, who grew up rich, didn’t. Danny also said thank you; he was a lot closer to our house staff than I was. I said thank you as the last few things were placed in front of me.

“So, are you going to introduce us, Andrew?” My mother asked.

“Oh, right, sorry. Mom, Dad, this is Willie Rose,” I said.

The Willie Rose?” My dad asked in surprise.

“Yup,” I raised my eyebrows at Willie.

“You’re the most extraordinary student at this school! It’s such an honor to meet you!” My dad exclaimed. “Andrew, you’re dating the smartest girl in school? That’s a step up, that’s for sure!”

“Dad, we’re not-” Willie got up from the table.

"Oooo," Danny said under his breath and I shot a glare at him.

“May I go to the restroom please?” She asked gritting her teeth.

“Yeah, I’ll – I’ll show you where it is,” I got up and led her through the kitchen and stopped right outside the kitchen’s back door. “I didn’t -”

“I can’t believe you!” She yelled.

“Willie, I didn’t say you were my girlfriend! I promise. Please believe me!” She slapped me and I winced.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Sun Feb 22, 2015 3:56 am

Hey! I'm back. :)

After she left the pool, I got back into the main pool and hung out with my ‘friends’ for a while.
This sentence is too repetitive. She left the hot tub didn't she? So call it that instead of pool.

“I see. Don’t worry, Andy, I won’t say anything,” my parents always told the staff to call me Andrew, like they did, but they know I hate the name so they call me Andy behind my parent’s backs.
Because the sentence after the speech doesn't contain a speech tag such as 'said' or 'laughed', the speech needs to end with a full stop and 'my' needs to begin with a capital.

He's also never really got along with our mom because they don't have much in common and she always brings up our biological father like the memory of him is a happy one. He's a junior in high school even though he should be a freshman; he skipped a couple of years when he was little.
Read through this and you'll realise that it sounds like your character is saying that his dead father is in junior high. Just mention the brother's name before you start talking about him.

My house had two extra bedrooms and a bathroom none of us actually use.
Tense problems. Had and use don't go together.

Again, this was a great chapter! I'm really enjoying your story. PLEASE let me know when you publish chapter 3? No really, please let me know because I'd really like to read it.

Thanks! Again this is helpful stuff! I already started revisions and added some of this stuff. Thanks again. Do you want me to post on your wall when I publish chapter three? @Dracula

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Pretzelstick
Review

Heya pretzelsing here for a review,

I read your previous chapter and I have to say that you have worked stubbornness into both characters very skillfully through their actions.Just as a side comment, I wanted to say my name is Marcy, just like the maid was named :D You chose a beautiful name! Anyways with that being said, I will start with my review,

I don't know why but this sentence kind of popped out of to me:

my parents always told the staff to call me Andrew, like they did, but they know I hate the name so they call me Andy behind my parent’s backs.


This means one of two things in my mind, either the staff is being disrespectful to the parents or they are very close to Andy and call him that out of affection. I was confused as to which ones I should choose to the the author's image. :?

I also think that at the beginning you could have showed me how he treated his other girlfriends before he met Willie.When Marcy the maid commented:

“I’ve never heard you refer to one of your girlfriends that way before, Andy,” Marcy, our maid since I was a baby said.


How did he treat his other girlfriends or refer to them anyways? I don't know how, but you do, as the author of this character.

This sentence was kind of long, maybe you could split it up into two separate sentences? :?

He was the type of kid who was naturally good at everything he didperiod .and he could screw around with his friends more than study and still do well in school, kind of like me except I'm not as smart as he is.


I would fix it like that if I was revising this.

I would rephrase this sentence a little bit to make it flow and sound better:

He looks just like me, but neither of us look like our dad because he's technically our step-dad, but we don't look all that much like our mom either.


What if you said: "He looks just like me, but neither of us look like our parents." That would be enough and then you could reveal that this was their step-dad later. Also in that big paragraph when Andy goes up to Danny's attic/bedroom, you kind of gave us an info-dump, which threw me off and was unnecessary. :x How about if you space it our throughout your book, a little bit every time that Andy talks to Danny or to his step-dad. Pace yourself and space it out a little bit please.

Also I would just like to add that you could do a scene about their conversation topic in the car after he hauled her away. I am sure that Willie was annoyed? frustrated? secretly pleased to be relieved of her homework :twisted: Did she say something to him?

I was very confused by this:

“Dad, we’re not-” Willie got up from the table.


Wait,what? :shock: Why did Willie just call Andy's dad, "dad"? I don't know if this is a typo(it probably is) but please just fix this because it throws me off track.

The ending is interesting and make me sit on the edge of my seat, wanting to see how Andy would react. Overall I think that this story has potential with editing and work.I hope that this review helps you improve your writing and always keep on working until the next chapter.Happy Review Day!

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Thanks for this review! It's super helpful and I've already changed some of the things you mentioned. Also, yay! Marcy is a great name! Your confusion is totally understandable in the that last part you were talking about and I've already started revising that! Thanks so much! GO TEAM BLUE'S CLUES!

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ljkrogman10 Review

Yay! More story! :D haha

So here goes an attempted review...

First of all, I love the overall plot and idea of the story. There's so much potential in it, and I can't wait till you achieve what you are so capable of! I also love the differing personalities of Andy and Willie, but yet the reader can clearly tell that somewhere along the line they will find similarities and work things out between themselves. After all, opposites attract ;) The general idea is there, now it's just the little details, which are always fixable.
I agree with @theironnovelist on the speaker tags and when or when not to capitalize them.

For example, “I see. Don’t worry, Andy, I won’t say anything,” my parents always told the staff to call me Andrew, like they did...
For this speaker tag, you should have a period after "anything" and then start a new sentence with "My parents..."
If that makes sense :)

Other than some grammar/conventional stuff, it's coming along really well, and I'm already anticipating the next chapter and the rest of the series. I'm excited to see what will come from this. Keep it up, Steph, I love your work! (maybe that's why we're co-writers haha) :D

YAY! And thanks! This is all helpful stuff and I'll be sure to add some of this to my chapter! Thanks, I like you're stuff too so maybe that is why we're co-writers! :)

Haha awesome! Glad I could "help" ;)

I am so proud of your commitment to keeping these chapters coming!
You're so much better than me. Teach me how to write fast.

I'm liking the diversity of your two main characters. I'd like to see a little more from the supporting characters, although I know we don't know them as much at this point. You're focusing a lot on the two spotlights in the story, which is good. But I really hope you bring in another main character that blends well with these two- perhaps someone more subtle? Someone to tie in the message in this story. Even romance, realistic fiction novels have to have a moral, and I'm excited to see what that is for this series.

A few nitpicks:
I noticed a few times you're inconsistent with taglines after a quote.

"Who's coming?" He asked me.

Here's how to know if 'he' should be capitalized or not: is it a new sentence, or a continuation of the sentence?
In this case, the speaker tag is in the same sentence after the quote.

"I told you I wasn't going and I meant it," she said.

You did this correctly.

"Thanks, Danny-boy," I left the room...

To me, this should start a new sentence.

"Thanks, Danny-boy."/
I left the room...

I added that space and slash for effect, so you'd know how to read it. Does that make sense?

I also like how you end each chapter with a bit of suspense. But for this last line, I might reword it to make it even more dramatic. End it with the slap itself, not with his reaction, and add some description.

For example:
"Willie, I didn't say you were my girlfriend! I promise. Please believe me!"
I was so engaged in the rush of pleading for her apology, it caught me that much more off-guard when Willie drew her hand back and struck me across the face.

That was kind of awkwardly worded but you get the point. xD
I'm really glad you're writing more of this! Please keep it up I love to see em coming! Gives me something of my good friends to review:)

~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.

Thanks! This is all helpful and I've already started to revise using some of it! I totally get what you're trying to say in those awkward parts :) THANKS again and I'll be sure to keep posting so you have something to review! :)



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