The Story of Us Chapter One: Willie

Hello Stephjd9! I hope this review would help you although I'm not that much a pro when it comes to things like this.

I like your beginning. It's powerful and it has already defined the voice of your character. The first lines gave the readers a shadow of what they're going to get. I just hope as I read further through the chapters, I'll see that your opening lines here would stay true to the rest of the chapters.

The second paragraph is a little bit off, I think. It feels like you're just describing. And it's really the hardest part of writing. You need to be able to 'tell' and to 'paint' a picture of your story.

The dialogues are pretty great. They represent your characters pretty well.

Congratulations in advance for writing such an almost flawless piece!

-hanzelcalangan

"I hate love stories. Always have, always will. But I suppose that's what this is. A love story"
Just two sentences, eighteen words. But they really do give a good sense of the character's personality. Personally I'm a big fan of the more cynical hero. In my opinion it makes for a more interesting story. If it's written well, that is, and yours definitely was.

Conflict between characters is another thing I like a lot, whether it's on a large or small scale. The whole thing with Andy trying to be nice and Willie (Cool name choice by the way) responding with hostility because he's rich was really interesting. Also the way Andy's friends reacted hints at there possibly being issues in the future.

Like Dracula said in their review, "I just started college. Jay University in Nashville, Tennessee. High school had been a very stressful time in my life. I was depressed and suicidal all through it. I was still pretty bad, but I wasn't at 'the lowest point'. The point I had been at four times before in my life. My four suicide attempts." was rather awkward to read.

However that was the only problem that I really saw, which is pretty exceptional considering this is your first work on this site. Well done, and I'll definitely be reading chapter 2.

Hello and Happy Review Day!

I just started college. Jay University in Nashville, Tennessee. High school had been a very stressful time in my life. I was depressed and suicidal all through it. I was still pretty bad, but I wasn't at 'the lowest point'. The point I had been at four times before in my life. My four suicide attempts.
I found this paragraph a little choppy. Especially between 'lowest point' and 'the point'. I suggest you try and join those two sentences to make it flow better. Also, the sentence about being depressed all through high school doesn't flow that well either. All the way through it sounds better, but it's up to you.

Now, I'm not trying to write a story that implies that being in a relationship fixes all of your problems, 'cause trust me, it doesn't. And I'm not saying that this would happen for everyone, but my relationship got me through college without killing myself. Which, I guess is a good thing. At least that's what they told me...even though what happened after college was allegedly worse than high school.
I promise this is the last paragraph I'll paste here. You've mentioned high school and college so many times that I've become confused. What happened after college? Also, from skipping from high school to after college, you've made me think that you didn't even mean it was worse than highschool, but worse than college. Now I'm confusing myself again. :p But you get the point. Hopefully. I didn't explain it very well.

"I know you're a freshman but even most freshmen know me,"
This sentence reads too fast. A comma after freshman would fix it.

Those are the only things you need to edit. I actually really enjoyed this chapter! You write dialogue really well and I enjoyed getting to know your characters. I'll definitely read chapter two some time.

Let's just say I'm looking forward to this book

Hello Stephjd9,

Well I must admit, I was literally imagining every bit of this chapter. Good for a start, but I must say that your story is kind of moving on too fast. I think you should slow down a bit and give a bit more description to each scene. Nonetheless, really love your idea behind this as it really portrays the phase of life as a college student. I will be waiting for the other chapters.
Well good luck......

I commend your first published work to YWS, my dearest Stephanie:).
And congrats on the likes! You've got as many as I've ever gotten on a novel/chapter. Most people don't care enough to read through all of em.
I'm liking the idea for this story. And how you begin by clearly stating that your main character (MC) hates love stories. Yet, whether we like it or not, love is a part of all our lives.
I think you could have used a little more mystery and room for the story to grow on us instead of nearly telling us the ending in the first few sentences. I mean I know we don't know what's going to happen, but you hint at how it will wrap up. I don't think this is necessary.
You define your characters well. Snappy dialogue that really shows the characters. I might like a little more description to balance out all the dialogue, however.
As far as your MC I think there's just one big issue that sticks out to me most: she's a freshman in college, she's new to the place, and she describes this clearly high-up guy who's loved by all. Tons of power and money. When he first remarks to her, she seems taken aback and surprised; obviously she's never been "hit on" like this before. But then...she becomes perfectly fine and even sassy to the guy. Acts super self-confident. It just kind of contradicts what I as a reader thought her initial reaction was, to see how she then responded and the conversation that followed with Jay. Get what I mean?
Keep working! Always room for improvement; I revise not to judge, but as a writer worthy of judgment on the same level.
Love to see some more stuff from you Steph!!

I found this very interesting and good. However, I feel as though it could use more detail. I found it was difficult to get into and a struggle to hold my interest until he swam over to her and the conversation began, even then i feel as though it could use more description. For example maybe when she states about how she earned her tuition maybe elaborate with how she earned the scholarships. Did she study hard? Play sports? etc.

Heya pretzelsing here for a review,

Okay, so I will do both general things and nitpicks and I hope that it all help better improve your writing.First of all, what has thrown me off was Will and Andy, two male names and I thought at first while looking at your title that this was like a same-sex relationship which I am dead against. I personally, if I were the writer would change the name to more feminine because I wasn’t going to read your story simply because this was a romance story with two male names.Here is a YWS name generator that you could use if you would like to.

Okay, first of all at the beginning of the story in the first two paragraphs, you are giving us as readers an info dump, which is way too much information. All this about Willie’s high school experiences should be skillfully spaced throughout your whole novel. At the beginning while reading this, it was just too much.

This is a little nitpick that I picked up on:

After a minute I realized I was staring and started to look away, but we made eye contact before I could.

"Modest is hottest.

"Will. That's a boy's name," it was a statement, as if I said my name wrong, as if that couldn't possibly be my real name.[s] Sure most people asked about it,[s] but they asked.but Andy stated.