Willie
He winced from the slap and I felt kind of bad but I ignored the feeling.
“Good bye,” I said and walked toward the door.
“How are you going to get home?” He asked in a last-ditch attempt to get me to stay.
“I’m going to walk home. Tell your parents that I’m sorry I couldn’t stay,” I slammed the door shut behind me and walked around to the front of the house. I got a couple blocks away from the house when I realized that I had no idea how to get to my dorm building from his house. His house was on school property but not near any of the buildings I had classes in. “Great,” I mumbled.
Then I heard Andy’s truck coming up behind me.
“You’re going the wrong way,” Andy said out of his open window as he drove slowly beside me. “Get in.”
I glared at him not wanting to do what he said, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to find my way back without him and it was getting cold out. I got in the passenger side seat and Andy turned the car around. When we got to my dorm building I realized that I didn’t have my key card.
“How did you get into my building before?” I asked Andy as I got out of the car.
“I have a key card that opens anything on campus,” he said. Then his eyebrows shot up and he smirked at me. “You don’t have you card do you.”
“No,” I said then waited for him to get out of the car and open the door for me. When he didn’t I rolled my eyes and said, “Are you going to help me or not?”
“Hmm, I’ll have to think about it,” he taunted.
“Fine,” I took out my cell phone and started to dial one of my roommates.
“Hey, wait. I’ll help,” I stopped and put my phone away, and he got out of the car and opened the door for me. I went in and started walking way. “We’ll see each other again?”
“Probably,” I stated shortly knowing that he’d find me on campus again.
“Soon?” He asked.
“Whatever,” I said and went up the stairs to my floor.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Heya this is pretzelsing here for a review. I have been following your novel and if I could then would like to request that you PM me the next installments come out.
Let's get to the review itself. First of all I want to point out that this isn't a full chapter. It's very rushed and short and I think that this is just a filler.
I will try my best not to repeat the nitpicks that theironnovelist did.Anyways, let's get to the meat of it.
Last-ditch??
Umm, again, do you really think that Willie is sorry
Question mark at the end of this sentence.
Shortly is in the wrong place here because it seems to indicate that you know shortly. I think what you meant to say is that he would shortly find me. So I think that you should put shortly before find and after he'd.
You also showed me in this chapter that both Willie and Andy can be stubborn at times, and have a strong will. My advice is to stretch this paragraph out, because even though it's a continuation of the previous chapter. It is kind of a filler and to make is meaningful to the plotline something important, or something leading toward the goal of your book should happen.I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing the next chapter!
I will definitely PM you when I get around to typing up chapter four! Thanks for this review! I'll keep this stuff in mind while revising!
I'm a big believer in figurative language, so the writing style isn't my thing. But, if that's the voice you're going for, then I would recommend it. Your writing is steady and flowing, which is extremely important. Oh, no, this is chapter 3...maybe I should've read the two previous chapters? I hope you have good luck with launching this project. Remember, with realistic teen fiction, it has to be original with a great voice and poignant points--I hope you find your voice!
Thanks!! And please do read chapters one and two if you are interested! I'd love to get feedback from you! And, yeah, I do have to keep my personal writing style with realistic fiction/romance is so common these days!! Thanks for the tip!!
Where is Chapter 1 and 2?
If you go to my portfolio it should be under The Story of Us
well hello there x)
Good job and keep it up.
You're still posting faster than me...darn you.
Good competitor.
Ima get straight into revisions:
#1 ) Very first sentence. Run-on. "He winced from the slap and I felt kind of bad but I ignored the feeling."
Try 'He winced from the slap; at first I felt bad, but I ignored the feeling.'
#2) "Good bye" is one word 'goodbye'
#3) “How are you going to get home?” He asked in a last-ditch attempt to get me to stay.
This all belongs in one sentence. Therefore, 'he' is not capitalized. You did this a few times.
#4) Then I heard Andy’s truck coming up behind me.
'Coming' isn't very descriptive. Try using adjective to describe it so we'd know it's a truck even if you didn't tell us.
#5) “You don’t have you card do you.”
I think you placed a period here instead of a question mark to match the tone your character's voice would be. However, since this isn't grammatically correct, try something like, "You don't have your card, do you?" he asked flatly. (or, sarcastically, sardonically, mockingly)
This describes the tone while still having correct punctuation.
#6) “Hey, wait. I’ll help,” I stopped and put my phone away, and he got out of the car and opened the door for me. I went in and started walking way. “We’ll see each other again?”
The punctuation and format of this all in one paragraph makes it seem as if Willie is saying all this.
"Hey, wait. I'll help."
I stopped and put my phone away, and he got out of the car and opened the door for me. I went in and started walking away.
"We'll see each other again?"
Always start a new paragraph when referring to different characters, especially in dialogue.
I like the snappy dialogue that keeps things rolling, even in a short transition chapter.
Sorry this was a quick review.
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
This is great stuff! Thanks!! I didn't revise this chapter as carefully as the past ones so thanks for pointing out these errors! I'll keep them all in mind!!! (YAY to being a good competitor!! Maybe me posting so much will make you post more. Then I'll be more like a inspirer
)