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Young Writers Society


Violence

Adonia, Beloved / Chapter 6

by LittleFox


The mountain pass was one of Daskus and Nivahl's greatest feats and first collaboration. Daskus had supplied the explosives to carve out a path through a narrow spot in the mountain, and Nivahl and supplied the manpower to do it with. It opened a trade route between the countries that established a strong alliance between them soon after.

Haemon gazed upward as they passed through. The faces of gods and goddesses had been carved into the stone walls on either side, each looking down on the caravan with expressionless eyes. Haemon's stallion frisked when a cold breeze swept through the pass, intensified as it was channeled by the narrow divide. Adonia has already donned one of the fur-lined robes that had been sent to her as a gift by Aiseljah. Haemon nearly wished he owned something with fur in it. The weather in Daskus tended to be colder than Nivahl, especially now that winter had come, but it remained just warm enough that fur was only a luxury rather than a necessity.

When they came up out of the pass, the sun warmed Haemon's skin and he quickly forgot about fur-lined robes. Once out of the shadow of the mountains, the air began to feel hot again until a breeze stirred it. He glaced across the the landscape while his eyes adjusted to the bright light that the mountains' peaks had shielded them from. They had entered Daskus now, but the king's palace was still a four day journey inward. Ahead of them lay a vast expanse of dry earth that grew progessivly sandier the further away from the mountains one went. Haemon shielded his eyes from the sun as movement caught his eyes. About three hundred meters off was a large group of riders traveling slowly towards them, about twenty or thirty men, most leading a pack animal behind him. Rhea moved in next to him, following his gaze. "Only a group of merchants." Haemon said. This pass was frequented by many traders every week.

"One can't be too careful," Rhea said, though she sounded unconcerned. "We can't be sure until we can see them more clearly."

Haemon nodded and continued on. When the came closer he squinted and could see that the men were clearly Daskan by their coal-black hair and layered robes. They led a few large camels, each covered in shaggy hair, and several more mules and sturdy ponies. On their backs were piles of chests and bags. Definitely a band of merchants. The guards were relaxed, only glancing at the merchants because there was little else to see. The merchants were now close enough to see their grey eyes.

Haemon glanced back at Rhea, who had fallen behind some. She gave him a small smile, one of those 'fine, you were right' smiles, but his eye was caught by something else. Back in the mountain's something flashed brightly, reflecting the sun's light, like a small mirror. A signal. Haemon whipped his head back around just as the merchants abandoned the pack animals and dug their heels into their horses' flanks, blades drawn and heading straight for the Sovereign's palanquin. Haemon drew his own blade and wheeled his horse towards them, galloping to meet the attackers head on. He met the blade of the first man and struck hard. The merchant lost his balance, and Haemon was able to carve a deep gash into the man's neck. He swiveled his horse to meet the attacker, quickly running his blade between the man's ribs.

The remaining merchants were already fighting their way past the guards, several of whom had already fallen. Haemon's eyes locked onto a man who was very near to Adonia's palanquin and his heart surged- he would not be able to reach the man in time to stop him- but just as the man reached it a small blade buried itself in the man's neck. When he fell, Rhea came to retrieve the it from the man's flesh, glancing up briefly to meet Haemon's eye. She turned fluidly as another came up behind her and drove her longer blade into his stomach. Haemon suddenly remembered why the other soldiers had called her Cobra during their training. She may not have had the bulging muscles the men had, but she had the swiftness and ferocity of an angered snake.

Before Haemon could reach another opponent, the attackers were fleeing, back in the direction they came from, galloping with great speed. He counted them: eleven men fleeing. He snarled as he forced himself to turn away from them and his chest tightened as he took in the damage. The bodies of both his men and the merchants were scattered about, turning the sand beneath them dark red. He wanted to shout out curses until his lungs bled, but the Sovereign was priority. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw her. She came gingerly out of the palanquin, stepping over the body of one of the servants- even they had fought fiercely to protect her.

His second priority was Ajax. He couldn't let anything happen to his brother. He had sworn to his father that he would keep Ajax safe. It took him several agonizing seconds to spot him. He crouched in the sand several meters away. Praise the gods, he is alive. He swung down from his horse and ran over to him. He held his hands to his face, but it did not slow the blood that dripped down. "Ajax, let me see," Haemon said as he crouched down beside him. Ajax began to move his hands, but he shuddered and moaned in pain. "Ajax, I cannot help you if you do not let me see the damage." Please let the damage be minor.

"Let me help." Haemon gave a start when Adonia kneeled down in front of Ajax, looking cool and collected though sweat covered her brow. "I don't know what I can do, but I will do what I can." She gently placed her hands on Ajax's arms and tried to peer at his face. Without looking away she said, "Haemon, go help Rhea."

He wanted to refuse. He didn't want to look at the the dead men lying in the sand. He wanted to focus on his brother.

Reluctantly he rose and turned away. Rhea was near the palanquin with a few of the surviving guards. He made himself count them; six of them nearly unscathed, five injured, and nine dead. All eight servants were dead. He felt sick but made himself continue. Thirteen dead merchants and three dead horses, Rhea's palomino among them. He went to join Rhea, who was helping the men pile the dead onto the palanquin.

She glanced up at him grimly. "We will have to turn back. We will have to carry the dead home on the palanquin." Haemon nodded, and helped carry the last of the dead to the palanquin. Once they were all inside, Rhea pulled the curtains of the palanquin shut and gazed at the dead merchants who remained where they had fallen. For amoment stood rigidly still, grinding her teeth angrily. Then, she bent over one and peelled back his outer robe, wet with blood. Haemon frowned down at the body. He wore a dark blue with a silver sigil sewn on the chest, a lion griping a scorpian in its claws. The sigil of Aiseljah.

"Were these Aiseljah's men?" Haemon asked in disbelief.

Rhea straightened and moved to another body, finding that it wore the same robe. She cursed and turned toward Haemon. "Check their wares." She pointed to where their camels and ponies still remained. Haemon nodded and went to them, pulling off a chest that was surprisingly light. He looked inside and found it empty. "They carry nothing," he called to Rhea.

Her shoulders shook slightly. "They only posed as merchants. Damn them!"

"But why would Aiseljah send them?" Haemon could not puzzle out, especially with his heart pounding in his ears. "Why would he break the alliance?"

"I don't know," Rhea growled. "But we will have to find the answers another time. Right now we need to return to Kei-Vesh and bury our dead."

Haemon dreaded the return. He could already see the shock and anguish that would be on the faces of the citizens when they learned what had happened. Already the men had made a few makeshift stretchers for those who were wounded too badly to ride. Haemon's gaze once again sought out his brother. He was standing now, with Adonia guiding him tentatively. Most of the blood had been wiped from his face and a stripe of silk, torn from the Sovereign's dress, had been wrapped around his head, covering his right eye. Haemon jogged over to them, still praying it was only a scratch, but Adonia spoke bluntly when she looked up at him. "He's lost his eye. I couldn't do much for him- I'm no physician, but he will be alright."

Haemon felt like he would collapse, but he bowed his head instead. "Thank you, Your Majesty," he said with gratitude. He could see that Ajax was still shaken, and moved forward to help him.

"I will bring a horse for him," Adonia said as she moved aside. "He should still be able to ride." Haemon watched her as she strode over to the nearest animal and grabbed its reins. It was no wonder to him that she had been chosen as Sovereign. Even as the world seemed to have fallen a part, she managed to move with gentle grace. When she returned with the horse, Haemon helped his brother mount it while Adonia held the nervous horse steady.

"Looks like Rhea and the others are ready. We should start moving soon." Haemon glanced up at them. The wounded men had already men tended to by the others and lay in the stretches that were each tied between two horses. Rhea had taken charge and ordered four of the men to hoist up the palanquin. Now she sat on a gray horse with the reins of another brown horse in her hand- apparently meant for Adonia. Adonia handed the reins of Ajax's horse to Haemon and began to leave, but Haemon said, "wait," and she turned back towards him. "What now? Does this mean war with Daskus? They wore Aiseljah's sigil."

She frowned and stared off into the distance for a moment. "I cannot know yet. There is too much to think through. I will send a message to Aiseljah and await his reply." She turned away before he could ask anything else, and that was well enough. The thought of war with Daskus made Haemon stomach turn.


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Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:45 am
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TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Heya! Here to catch up on your story, and what better occasion than review day?

Just a heads up that I'm a bit sick at the moment, therefore not at my highest thinking capacity. So if there's any rambling or something that doesn't make sense, that's why.

So, I think you handled the aftermath of the battle scene very well. I think you managed to capture the feeling of disorientation and shock very well - the fact that the characters weren't expecting this was very well conveyed.

When it comes to the fight bit itself, I might have liked a little bit more detail. You describe the way Rhea fights well, but looking back over it, the fighting only lasts for two paragraphs. For what later appears to be a very serious battle, from the number deaths, I think it needs to last a bit longer, to get a real life-or-death feeling. There's no magic formula to how to get this, but I'd suggest maybe paragraphs made up of a few short, sharp sentences. It doesn't have to be an exact blow by blow account, but I think there does need to be a bit more desperation and feeling of risk. What's there is good, there just needs to be more of it.

As Wolf has mentioned, there was also a lack of a sense of the magnitude. You mention eleven fleeing, but how many men were there to start with - on both sides, in fact? I think just giving the reader more of an idea of the scale of the battle, as well as giving more of a sense of how lethal they are - Haemon is successful against them, quite easily, however, the attackers seem to kill a great number of his men.

I'd suggest doing a little bit of research about Ajax's injuries. Like with Adonia's stab wound in your previous draft, the 'he'll be fine' thinking seems a little too optimistic. It's likely survivable, but that's assuming he gets medical treatment very quickly. He would have lost a lot of blood and be in excruciating pain, so Adonia's very relaxed 'he'll be right' assurance stuck out. Being poked in the eye hurts bad enough, I think after losing an eye you'd be a little worse than shaken up, as you describe Ajax as being. There used to be a thread on YWS where you could ask this sort of thing, but looking at it it seems kind of inactive. But do your research, I guess.

That's about all I have to say. Brain really isn't at its best right now. Looking forward to your next chapter, and as always, any questions let me know.

P.S. Glad I could help you with the weather last time. :)




LittleFox says...


Thanks a bunch :)



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Sat Mar 28, 2015 4:39 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, LittleFox!

Let's dive right into this.

First paragraph starts talking about this mountain pass. As pretzel did mention, it was really summed up, which I thought was fine, but it seems so strange. The ending of the last chapter was on the note of Haemon gathering up everyone and setting on their way. So, this sudden talk about the mountain pass was a little 'startling' in the sense that it felt out of place. It's nice to know this information to help carve into our minds just how the two countries relationships work, but there would be a better time. Perhaps when we've settled into the chapter and it's a calm moment, then Haemon can think more about the forming of the pass.

Speaking of which, it talks about dynamite and man power to carve out this pass, and then there are suddenly gods carved into the mountain? Rather interesting, and I like this little detail because it can show a lot about their society. Obviously, their religious deities are important enough to them to spend decades carving their faces into the mountains.

Just some merchants, he said. They're no harm, he said. xD The fight scene was very well written, I'd say, a fast paced, but I feel like it was over a little too soon. In the sense that we only ever saw Haemon and Rhea fighting. What about the other soldiers? And Haemon only fought two merchants, I believe, but if he was in the front line, how did the merchants get in far enough to attack the servants protecting Adonia?

Now, I'm no expert in fight scene writing, but fight scenes usually have this unique 'uniform chaos' going on, as you do well portraying here. One huge component which can make or break a fight scene is placement of everything and where things are located. Do you tell the reader what's happening where? Overall, you did a sufficient job, with explaining the space of the fighting, but there seems to be a little lacking, such as the placement of majority of the fighting in proximity to the target - the palanquin. How did the merchants proceed after the head on attack? Just some little things to capture the overall feel of the fighting.

Your chapters always leave me with very limited things to say. One of your better ones right here. And I hope I helped at least a little. Can't wait for more!

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




LittleFox says...


Thank you, I see all of it so well in my head, it really helps to have someone point out what I haven't been clear about :P I will add more details next time I run over it :)



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Mon Mar 23, 2015 2:23 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya LittleFox, pretzelsing here for a review! Yes, the action that you told me is here, although I was greatly surprised.
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?

I have to say that I was kind of disappointed with the first paragraph, you just glazed through the mountain pass. I thought that you might maybe expand on it a little bit more,(in fact I was expecting it) and tell us how that part of the trip went by. How was it? How long did it take? I think that you could spend at least a portion of this chapter,dedicated to that.

but it remained just warm enough that fur was only a luxury rather than a necessity.


I think that this is a thrown in phrase that stands out.I don't know what you should do, maybe change it or just completely strike it out. Also isn't Haemon rich, since he is like the leading guard, so I assume that he could afford this "luxury".

About three hundred meters off was a large group of riders traveling slowly towards them, about twenty or thirty men, most leading a pack animal behind him.


I have to say, that you have a tendency to write the distance of something, which doesn't really help me at all create a mental image. I am from the USA and I don't use the meters(I assume that you are from a country that does) and so I have no idea how far or close this is. ;) Just something to consider and think about,LittleFox.Also, how in the world can Haemon see/tell how many people are riding in there? That doesn't really make senseunless he has superpowers

OMG! I loved the action scene! It was fast-paced just like I imagined a realistic short fight to be. Great job implementing that. With that being said I will focus some room here on the battle and how you could improve it even more.
I was wondering, what types of swords were the merchants(I am just going to call them that)? Now I know that minor detail isn't to be put into a scene like this, but describing(even briefly) how the swords looked liked could possibly make the fight more daunting and dangerous. Did the men have better or worse weapons? This is kind of vital information so that we know what Adonia and her guards are facing against.

Next thing, the wounds. Show us the impact after the war, I believe that you said that five of them were injured(including Ajax-Haemon's brother) Tell us, what kind of wounds did they have? You don't have to go into gory details, but just giving us a general idea of how deep/serious the wounds are should be enough.

How did Haemon,Adonia, and Rhea feel during the fight? <,< Now I know that you showed me what they felt after the fight but what exactly did they feel during the fight itself.
Hope that these tips help you improve your fight scene,LittleFox.
Back to the nitpicks: :)

'fine, you were right' smiles,


I think that the contraction: you're right would work better an be more natural.

Haemon suddenly remembered why the other soldiers had called her Cobra during their training. She may not have had the bulging muscles the men had, but she had the swiftness and ferocity of an angered snake.


Yesss!! Finally Rhea has proven herself to be an able-bodied, ready, and protective personal bodyguard for Adonia.

He counted them: eleven men fleeing.


You don't need that colon there, a comma will suffice.;)

His second priority was Ajax.

Well, I think that his first priority should be Ajax, not the queen. Because even though Adonia is royalty, Ajax is family and a dear brother. I don't understand why you made Adonia his first priority, doesn't Rhea supposed to have that covered?
Also how did Hameon and Ajax feel after he lost his eye. Maybe you could display some emotion, regret,pain,agony,sorrow,etc. Do you see what I mean, LittleFox?

He held his hands to his face, but it did not slow the blood that dripped down.


How you write this for me means like: That Haemon lifted Haemon's hands to Haemon's face. I was very confused and then after that I realized that this was Ajax face,and Haemon's hands :D(at least I think that's so). Anyways I would insert Ajax wherever"his" is referring to him.

I got to say, that this chapter was really great! I loved the action,mystery in it, and I think that I have a hunch on who is behind this.It was so well-written, I still remain astounded by your writing style and the amount of detail and heated action that was going on.

Anyways, that's it from me. I hope that this review helps you improve this chapter and if you have any questions at all, please feel free to PM me. As always I truly encourage you to keep writing this novel!

Image




LittleFox says...


Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the fight scene- This was my first time writing one so I was a little worried :P




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