Altan frowned at his reflection in the small mirror for a long moment
before throwing it down so that it shattered on the rocky mountain path.
One of the two Daskans standing in front of him winced at the sound,
but kept his head slightly bowed. The other man stared cooly at Altan,
patiently waiting for Altan to speak. He was older than his companion, but still young enough to be manipulated.
"We can still fix this," the younger one said, lifting his face so
that the determination in his pale blue eyes was easily seen. "It's
getting late now, so they will be setting up camp now. We can attack
them as they sleep."
He was eager, Altan gave him credit for
that, but foolish. He had learned a lot about that Daskans since he had
left Nival, and found them to be a trusting people, which made things
much easier. "No, Senka" he said, shaking his head. "This will have to
be enough."
"Enough?" The older one took on a calculating look. Not so trusting as the others. "Adonia still lives."
"Enough to keep Adonia from returning. She will think twice about
betraying Aiseljah, now that she knows we protect his borders. Aiseljah
will be proud of your work today." He felt silly putting up this act.
Starting a war had been his intention. Had Adonia been killed by men
bearing Aiseljah's sigil, war would have been inevitable. An attack
against the Sovereign would have to be enough.
Senka beamed,
thinking he had done his country proud. It would be amusing to see how
his face changed when Nival retaliated and crushed Daskus. Altan kept
his face grim despite his day dreams. "Namar, go tell the others to
begin leaving," he said the the older man. "And remember to leave
separately in small groups. We are Aseljah's secret army." He
wanted to laugh. Some army. The others stood scattered about the
mountain path down below, many mourning those who were killed. None were
older than thirty, and barely knew how to use the scimitars Altan had
given them. He had found the most trusting and ignorant young men in
Daskus and filled their heads with false patriotism, claiming that he
knew of some secret plans the Sovereign of Nival had against their king.
He had hope that at least one would have reached Adonia's palanquin,
even if it meant he lost every single man, but they turned cowards at
the critical moment and ran, leaving him with about half them men he
started with.
As Namar and Senka began to descend down the
mountain, Altan turned to retrieve his gelding, a sturdy Daskan breed,
bred for the rough mountains and and sandy earth. He climbed up and
began to guide the horse down the path, making the men press themselves
against the rocks to make room as he passed. When he came out onto the
open ground he set off at a canter before any of the others could try to
accompany him back to the city. They were of no use to him anymore,
especially as company.
the sun was only a thin sliver above the
horizon by the time the capitol of Daskus came into view. The sand
beneath his exhausted horse's hooves firmed as they came closer, and
soon they were passing small fertile fields, irrigated by the oasis
lying near the center of the city. They trotted through a low gate and
were greeted by festively decorated streets. Red and yellow lanterns
hung above the streets, and colorful banners of welcoming hung in almost
every balcony lining the main street to the city. Of course, they
expected to greet a Sovereign the next day. He smiled to himself and
turned his horse down a back street, letting it slow to a walk. A foolish nation, not fit to govern themselves,
he told himself as he approached a quiet tavern. Nival had always been
the greater nation, even if it was currently ruled by Adonia. Damn her, she refuses to lead her country to its deserved greatness, but she will not remain in my way for long.
He tied the reins of the gelding to a post, close enough to the
trough to quench its thirst next to a gray stallion who tried to nip at
his neck.
Inside the tavern wa quiet. Only a handful of people
were present, most talking softly over their drinks. Altan began to move
toward a table near the corner when a man near the back caught his
attention. The man sat slightly hunched over and had clearly had more
than a few cups of wine from the way. A smile creeped on to Altan's face
and we went over to the table. "Do you mind?" he asked, pulling out a
chair before receiving an answer.
The man glanced up at him with sad grey eyes before staring back into his cup.
"You don't recognize me," Altan asked, "do you, Rahim?"
He looked back up with a more alert gaze. "Are you going to arrest
me?" Even if that was Altan's intention, Rahim did not look like he
would have put up a fight.
"No, you're safe. Nival's law does not reach here."
Rahim eyed him nervously. "Then why are you here?"
"I want to help you, Rahim. I know your heart is good, and what you did was surely an accident."
Rahim became even more sullen. "I don't want your help, leave me be."
"You need my help. I can help you forget everything that happened, just trust me, Rahim.
Rahim fidgited with his cup. "How?"
"Just trust me. I know people that will help."
Rahim emptied his cup in one gulp. "Fine then." He stood, wobbling
slightly. "I've almost drunk away most of my money anyway."
Altan smiled warmly at him. "I glad you aren't giving up on yourself, Rahim. It would be a shame if you did."
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Heya LittleFox, Pretzel here for a Review on this lovely Review Day. I am sorry that I have never reviewed this before today, but I actually do remember reading this through once or twice to just admire you lovely writing abilities.
Anyways, let's get started, shall we?
1.-
What fell down the rocky mountain path, the small mirror or the frown on his reflection? I was pretty confused about what you meant by this first sentence honestly, and it would be great if you could clarify it a little bit.
2.-
You honestly don't have to make it so obvious that Atlan is manipulating his companions. I think that the readers can get this out of the text here honestly. It seems like stating it "out loud" in the text isn't really necessary, because I can see the signs of manipulation all over this chapter anyways.
3.- Rahim is back! And drunk! My question is: Why does he so easily fall into the trap of Atlas and trust him. I was literally disappointing by his actions, because I personally thought that he was better than that. Of course, maybe he had gotten drunk, and he didn't have a clear mind to think about what Atlan had offered. Wasn't it a tad off that he was saying "Just trust me?" If someone would say that to me in this situation; I would have mistrusted them the second that they said those words. Those are like red alert to me. Do you see what I mean Fox?
I'm happy that you squeezed in the POV of Atlan and Rahim, because that adds so much more depth into your novel, as these two are minor character that Adonia should both be really worried about. You left us hanging with this chapter which was posted in June, and I really really want to read more and more of what happened next. My natural curiosity is aroused, which means that the author has done it right at the end.
Please please please post another chapter. Also I hope that this review helps you improve your writing, and if you have any questions then please let me know. You know where to find me.
~Pretzel
Thanks so much
I've almost got the next chapter done, just got a little snag that I need to work out haha
Hey there, LittleFox! About time I got here, huh? xD This part was so amazing that I got stuck reviewing it and then couldn't come back, so let's see what I can rambling about. (Please forgive any typos because I am on a phone and running on not enough sleep.)
I have to agree with Sarah that this is quite definitely one of the better of your chapters! I really love that you're giving us this sort of third dimensional view of the story, looking at the sort of targeted leader, her companions and then sticking the villian in there too. And even doing this, you still pull it off so well that we're still in the dark -- we still don't know what Altan will do, where this story will lead. It's much more unpredictable, and I like that.
And finally Rahim is getting pulled back into the story ~ After seeing him flee and knowing that he still has ill feelings towards Adonia (despite still trying to love her), I'm wondering what kind of plans Altan has for him.
Now, one thing that's kind of bugging me is that I can totally understand Altan is all "Patriotism!" and he wants Nival to be the best it can be, but I don't see how he has any gain from starting this war. Sure Nival wins, they get better, bigger and stronger, but how does Altan benifit? He's not a war hero, and likely won't be welcomed back? It's perculiar that he's going through all this trouble just do start a war.
Sorry, that's all I have! ^^ this was a wonderfully written chapter and I very much enjoyed reading it. Can't wait for the next one ~
Happy Writing,
~ Wolfe
Thank you so much!
Rahim reappears! This made me so excited! Yay!
Hello again! Hopefully the over-abundance of exclamation points in this review thus-far is a bit of a clue that this was a really strong chapter - probably your best so far. I loved the fact that we're seeing Rahim again, and the fact that him being in this chapter was pretty unexpected, but still made complete sense. That part of the chapter, the overall plot, in fact, was excuted really well, and the fact that I had a rather strong emotional response (mainly yelling YES! in my head repeatedly), is a very good sign.
Overall, this chapter really is the best so far. The motivations for all the characters mentioned were clear, and the pacing felt quite smooth. A few typos that you missed, but nothing that can't be fixed by a careful read through. I really did enjoy this chapter, so a number of my critiques will likely be rather nitpicky.
Might have liked a bit more sense of place in the first part of the chapter. Maybe that's not quite the way to put it - probably more a case of refining the sense of place we're already given. The mentions of the mountain path really make it feel like the characters are in the middle of a nowhere, so it feels quite sudden when Altan reaches the tavern.
Nitpicking here, but I didn't see the significance of the mirror that Altan is holding in the first line of the chapter. I might be missing something, but him having a mirror seemed rather pointless. The action of throwing it made sense, so maybe changing the object, or giving the mirror a little more context might help this.
Something I have noticed is that you have a tendency to mention places and names of people within your story's society, without much explanation about who they are. Usually there's enouh context for the reader to work out what you're talking about, I do feel that a teensy bit of exposition is required, just to make it clear who/what/where you're talking about. I love the fact that there's no info-dumping (yay!), but just a little more explanation would be beneficial to the reader's understanding.
I though the dialogue was really good in this chapter. It all felt like things that the characters were likely to say. Great plot development, too. Added some more intricacy to your novel's society.
Great work! Defininitely pumped for the next chapter!
I'm so glad you liked it! The mirror was supposed to be what he used to signal his men and its what Harmon noticed before the attack. I can see how it s not very clear though
I will try to fix it!
Patriotism can sometimes be a double edged sword as well, so can trust.
Hey, Viv here to do a review. First, I love this story so much. Second, why couldn't Altan be mobbed by the lions before he got to Daskun? I'd like to point out your amazing imagination and naming skills for both the countries and the people. I am still not sure how I should be pronouncing Aseljah, especially when at one point it was spelled with a "i" in it.
So, I only saw a few mistakes and maybe even less than that.
1. "the sun was only a thin sliver above the horizon..." the "t" in "the" should be capitalized.
2. "Inside the tavern wa quiet" should be "Inside the tavern was quiet."
Other than this the story is great. I love how you've been switching points of views since chapter one. I was looking forward to seeing Rahim again. Personally my favorites are Rhea, Haemon, and the Sovereign herself.
Anyhow, keep writing. Later.
Thanks! I'm so glad you like it
This is interesting. I love a new and different idea then what i am used to reading. This was interesting from start to finish and it was good. I love their names because they are unique to me. I have never heard of them before. You make the story feel alive and I love your descriptions in it. Good work and keep it up. I love writing as you do and we are both god at it.
Thank you