He walks past me
That Blue-eyed boy
Making my heart race
His presence I can never
escape
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ooh, shorter poems are always super interesting to look into, so I wanted to leave a review for you! ^_^ But before I begin, welcome to YWS!! I hope you have a lovely time here, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! :)
I like how this piece can be interpreted in so many different ways since it's short and not elaborated on. For example, perhaps this is a sweeter poem, and the boy makes the speaker's heart race because they fancy the guy. Or maybe, the guy's a serial killer and the speaker is afraid for her life 0.0 I think that's the most intriguing thing about this piece, how the reader is free to make their own assumptions and interpretations with this; there's a lot of free space and a lot of playing around you can do with this piece!
So that's why I think the short length works, because it allows for all of those interpretations to be made c: Overall, this is quite the interesting piece that makes me think a little more about possible situations and solutions.
Since this is a review, I would love to give you some suggestions for this piece! These are just suggestions though, so if you don't agree with me, please feel free to ignore me or disregard them <3
I think since this is on the shorter side, every word you use is very important, because each word holds much more weight when there are less of them. Therefore, I think word choice is pretty important and something you can reconsider to make this poem more impactful in just five lines. Replacing words with synonyms that are much stronger can be super helpful. I'll give you some examples c:
"blue" is a pretty common word; why not switch it out for a more specific shade of blue? I'll give you some ideas - cerulean, sky blue, teal, navy, indigo, cobalt, lapis, berry, aegean, stone, and so on. More specific words can deliver more of a punch than generic colours c:
Also, just as a side thought, I'm curious as to why you capitalized "blue." You usually only capitalized the beginning of lines, so I'm curious of your intentions behind the random capitalization of blue.
Also, another side thought; since your title is "That blue eyed boy" but in your poem you wrote, "That blue-eyed boy" I think it would be more consistent if you chose one way or the other: "blue eyed" or "blue-eyed" (hyphenated vs. not hyphenated) It's just for consistency's sake, but it's totally up to you!
How exactly does he walk by the speaker? Does he saunter? stroll? is it fast or slow paced? maybe he's trudging, or plodding, or skipping, or marching. These are just ideas for you to consider to make this more impactful ^^
One last thought before I close this off ~
I noticed you used no punctuation throughout the poem. Now punctuation is a stylistic choice, so please feel free to ignore this if you don't want to change any of your punctuation! ^_^ I was just wondering, have you considered putting a period at the end of this poem? It could've a sense of finality and deliver that last final punch. Up to you, just thought I'd mention it :)
And that's all I got for you! Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece of yours :) I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped!
Hi,
Nice little poem. The free verse scheme works pretty good. A suggestion though would be turning it into a Haiku. According to my own count, the first three lines are pretty close to following the 5-7-5 structure of one. They aren't my thing but I'll have a go showing how you can turn this into one.
He walks past me. That
Blue-eyed boy. Making my heart race
His presence I can't escape
Like I said, they aren't my thing, but it comes to show how easily you can convert it. Plus you can probably crank like 10 of them out in 60 minutes and have multiple on the one document, saving you points if you do it here
Welcome to YWS!!
This poem is rather short but I loved the last few lines;
"Making my heart race
His presence I can never
escape"
Its almost as if whenever the persona sees the "blue eyed boy" they become trapped in some sort of prison or something.
On a personal note, extending this poem may bring a better impact towards the audience, try also adding some figurative language to really bring out the poem into its true nature, other than that it was really great.
Keep up the great work! Cant wait to see more!
This is Gem popping out of bed for a review.
This is a short piece, while I like the conciseness I do wish it were somehow more descriptive. I think that most can agree blue eyed boys are captivating, but what makes this one so special? Are you trying to avoid him? Is this a crush, an enemy? Does the author fear him? We can't tell. If you like the mystery aspect I can understand, but its hard to get behind things when they are too shrouded. I enjoyed reading this peice, and I shall puzzle over it tonight, thanks for writing. Keep it up.
Much love, Gem
<3<3<3
~and with that she goes back to bed~
Hello. Here for a review!
Although I like free verse, but I think this would have been better if it were written in a rhythm.
Well, I am trying...
He walks past me
That blue-eyed boy, I see.
It makes mt heart race
Seeing his face
In his presence
I can never escape his essence.
Do let me know what u think of the review. I guess my rhythm slightly changed the meaning. And if you don't want to make it rhythmic, then I would suggest a single change–
Write it as
This is all. Overall, a very good work! Keep it up!
~Forever