If the Silence Takes You Then I Hope it Takes Me Too

Howdy, possumbanitsa!

I have been summoned here by the Death Cab For Cutie reference. (Always an easy way to find me!)

In the span of about five days, he died, came back to life, agreed to a lifetime of servitude to an eldritch goddess, reunited with his best friend Jessie, and fought off several monsters. That’s far too much to cram into a work week. He’s only been through about two packs of cigarettes, though, so he thinks he’s handling it well.

First of all, dang. What a character introduction! I dig it. It also sets up a lot of expectation for the story -- what's the backstory to all of this?

Stopping in the middle of open land is probably not the greatest idea, but he’s already slowing to a halt.

I wonder why not? Is something still after them?

Sasha wants to wait for him to wake. He wants to see him with bleary eyes and ruffled hair like he did when they were kids. After seven years apart, he’s not sure if he can.

That's a really sweet sentiment, and a little heartbreaking too that he can't.

He can only see the man out of the corner of his eye when he comes to stand next to him, but he looks entirely too well-rested for someone who slept in a car for an hour. A small part of him suggests that it’s because he’s an illusion, a phantom conjured up to see him through whatever mess he’s gotten himself into. Except this Jess has white eyes and snakebites, a far cry from the awkward boy of earth tones he once knew.

Alright, something's definitely up, what with the "inhuman" description from earlier and phantoms, illusions and "too well-rested" here. Curious to see what has happened!

One bit that threw me off here was "earth tones" -- I wasn't sure what that meant, but I think it's referring to Jess's eyes? Because they've turned white? I guess to me the white eyes and snakebites (physical descriptions) don't seem comparable to the mannerisms of awkwardness, so it would be nice if there was a bit more of a clear indicator of what has changed.

Jess cracks one eye open, but he doesn’t move away. His mouth simply shifts into a thin line. “Is something wrong?” He asks.

That snaps Sasha out of his trance. He wants to move away, dismiss the whole thing and pretend it never happened. But Jess is warm and tangible beneath his fingers, so the most he can manage is a tentative shake of his head and a glance down.

When he looks back up, Jess has closed his eye again. “Oh, come on, Sasha. You don’t have to lie,” he grumbles. He sounds honest.

“I’m just… making sure you’re real.” It sounds weird to admit, but what else is he supposed to say?

Jess’s reply is unexpected. The words themselves aren’t, but the light sarcasm he braces himself to hear isn’t present. “And? What’s your conclusion?”

I think this exchange spoke to a lot of things that the reader hasn't strictly seen yet -- the personality of the two characters, the time they knew each other from before, and whatever happened when they reunited. I feel like we might need a little more of that context to fully grasp what is happening, like, what was their relationship like and what happened to it? I do like, though, that there's a lot of subtlety in their expressions, and nuance -- it feels like that background context really exists, even though the readers don't know what it is yet, rather than an empty claim to having known each other.

It hurts to leave, but at the very least Jess will take his spot in the passenger seat instead of disappearing completely from his life again.

So, we don't get any answers. But, at least we have a neat snapshot into these characters! Also, you've had some beautiful descriptive imagery of the scenery throughout, which I really appreciated.

And, I really love your art!! That is so cool and should definitely be getting more attention!

Overall, I thought this was a really well-written piece. I liked the seeing the depth of character these two had in such a short amount of time, and you had really nice transitions.

Of course, not much really happened plot-wise, but it didn't have the feeling that it needed that, so I appreciated that. I'd love to hear more about everything that happened to them, and it would be really neat to see this as a full novel!

Nice job, and thanks for sharing your work! Let me know if you have any questions or if you just want to talk music.

-Q

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was quite a powerful piece and you certainly can tell that there has been far more worldbuilding here than just this little short story would suggest and I really would love to read more. It just feels so rich and there appears to be so much under the surface.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It’s been three hours since Sasha started driving, leaving his life in Boston behind. To be honest, he’s not too heartbroken about being rid of it, but the alternative isn’t particularly better. In the span of about five days, he died, came back to life, agreed to a lifetime of servitude to an eldritch goddess, reunited with his best friend Jessie, and fought off several monsters. That’s far too much to cram into a work week. He’s only been through about two packs of cigarettes, though, so he thinks he’s handling it well.

Well that is certainly quite the start here, absolutely does a wonderful job there of pulling us right into proceedings which I think is quite well done here. Its a wonderfully eventful start catching our attention really quite well here. I can't wait to see more of this.

So that’s how Sasha finds himself, scarred and tired, going 25 through an open field with no one else around for miles. He’d be going faster if he weren’t so enamored with the gentle waving of the grass along the slopes of the hills. It makes the world feel so much smaller. Jess sleeps quietly in the passenger seat, head propped up against the window. He is inhumanly still, save for the rise and fall of his chest, and he doesn’t stir as Sasha turns up the volume on the CD player so he can hear Ben Gibbard sing “Soul Meets Body.” The music itself is a nice distraction for all of five seconds, until the subtle itch that comes when Sasha needs a smoke returns in full force. He might go insane if he doesn’t get out of the car. Stopping in the middle of open land is probably not the greatest idea, but he’s already slowing to a halt. He puts the car in park and looks to his side to see Jess, who still hasn’t shifted an inch. Sasha wants to wait for him to wake. He wants to see him with bleary eyes and ruffled hair like he did when they were kids. After seven years apart, he’s not sure if he can. Besides, if he doesn’t move now he’s afraid his legs might start to cramp.

OOoh welll this is a lovely setting up of that atmosphere right there. I think you've done a wonderful job really showcasing the kind of mindset Sasha is in both in terms of the actual description of his feelings an also through both the scenery and his actions here.

He leaves Jess to rest as he ambles up a nearby hill, pack of cigarettes in hand. The warm September air is a pleasant change from the arctic cold of the car. Jess had insisted on turning the AC all the way up, and Sasha didn’t have the energy to say no. Getting outside has breathed new life into him. His limbs aren’t quite so sore when he stops at a spot that overlooks the rest of the field, and the headache that’s been growing steadily retreats back into obscurity. On top of that, the landscape is gorgeous. This late into the day the sun is setting, and the grass is awash in shades of red and gold. Even the asphalt road seems to glimmer as it meanders off into the distance, disappearing and reappearing over the knolls. As he watches, a light breeze plays with his hair. It’s so much longer than Sasha kept it as a teenager. The dark strands now dangle in front of his eyes, obscuring his vision and tickling his nose. He was planning to get it cut, but that seems like it’s off the table now. He’d do it himself, but he’s not even sure where he could find a pair of scissors.

Hmmm well this is a nice little expansion on the scene here. I think it tells us a lot more about Sasha's character and we get a little bit more of a peek at who this Jess person is as well. I think its quite a nice little combination that you've got going on here.

Resigning himself to a life of split ends, Sasha pops open the pack and slips a cigarette between his teeth. He sticks his hand in his pocket to look for his lighter, but the soft crunch of grass beneath feet pulls his attention away.

“Couldn’t you have done this at a gas station or something?” Jess’s voice echos from further down the hill. He can only see the man out of the corner of his eye when he comes to stand next to him, but he looks entirely too well-rested for someone who slept in a car for an hour. A small part of him suggests that it’s because he’s an illusion, a phantom conjured up to see him through whatever mess he’s gotten himself into. Except this Jess has white eyes and snakebites, a far cry from the awkward boy of earth tones he once knew. Still, his presence is as familiar as the rhythmic inhale and exhale of breathing.

Hmmm well this is an interesting little interaction right here. Definitely expands a lot more on the kind of relationship they have and we get the smallest little hint a the sort of past they might have as well although that is a little bit harder to place with just this information.

Sasha hums and directs his focus back to looking for his lighter. “The view wouldn’t have been as good there,” he replies.

“I didn’t know you loved scenery so much.”

The light teasing in Jess’s tone makes heat rise to Sasha’s face. “Cut me some slack,” he mutters. “I’ve lived in a city for the past six years, I don’t get to see a lot of rolling hills. Besides, you definitely knew,” he pauses as he switches pockets, still searching for his lighter, “Do you remember how many times I made you go stargazing with me?”

He can’t see it, but he’s certain Jess rolls his eyes. “And do you remember how much time we actually spent looking at stars?”

Oooh these subtle facial expresssion are telling us quite a lot here and I am absolutely here for it. These two seem like quite the legendary duo and now I really find myself wanting to know more about their adventures here. It seems like they've been up to many many things in their time and know each other really quite well.

“Point taken,” Sasha huffs. For as hard as he tries, he can’t school the smile on his face back into a scowl.

The moment is, unfortunately, ruined when realization crashes down on him like a tidal wave. “Dammit, I forgot my lighter in the car,” Sasha sighs, “that’s probably for the best.” He shoves the pack of cigarettes back into the pocket of his red flannel and turns to Jess, who has turned his face towards the sun. The dying light casts its soft glow over his round features, ethereal and picturesque. Suddenly the phantom theory seems all the more likely. He’s far too serene, his eyes closed as he soaks up the last of the day, and it leaves Sasha utterly disarmed. He’s not even sure if his heart is still beating. The entire situation is too far-fetched, too impossible to the teenager inside him that is still feeling the pang of losing his best friend, that it makes his brain stop working. He doesn’t give it a second thought as he raises his hands to cup Jess’s face and shift it towards him.

Oooooh here we go. I'm so glad I haven't just been imagining all that lovely gay tension and I am one hundred percent here for it. I am loving the way that things are going here and ahhh that description leading to the little lean in an the trance like moment. Just beautifully done.

Jess cracks one eye open, but he doesn’t move away. His mouth simply shifts into a thin line. “Is something wrong?” He asks.

That snaps Sasha out of his trance. He wants to move away, dismiss the whole thing and pretend it never happened. But Jess is warm and tangible beneath his fingers, so the most he can manage is a tentative shake of his head and a glance down.

When he looks back up, Jess has closed his eye again. “Oh, come on, Sasha. You don’t have to lie,” he grumbles. He sounds honest.

OOooh well this is certainly taking the most cliche route imaginable and I am here for it. The banter between these two is just pure gold and you can really feel the years between them as you experience said banter. I really hope we have ourselves a happy ending here.

“I’m just… making sure you’re real.” It sounds weird to admit, but what else is he supposed to say?

Jess’s reply is unexpected. The words themselves aren’t, but the light sarcasm he braces himself to hear isn’t present. “And? What’s your conclusion?”

“You’re such a jerk,” Sasha mutters, before he finds his calloused palms pressing further into pale skin. Jess holds his hands there, grip firm and almost demanding. His eyes, now open and unblinking, bore into Sasha’s with the desperation of a wild animal backed into a corner and searching for an escape. It makes his pulse quicken and throat dry out. He’s not sure where such sudden and visceral distress came from, but he can’t stand the thought of letting it hang in the air between them. “But you’re real alright,” he concedes, both to himself and to Jess. “You can feel my hand, can’t you? And the sun, and the wind, and all of those bugs that like to try to fly into your ears. I think that’s proof enough.”

Well this is just getting more and more adorable by the minute and I'm very much enjoying exactly how much information about their past you're managing to squeeze in amongst all of the adorableness. It certainly serves only to enhance it even further here.

“That’s a little lame,” Jess complains, but his face has lightened significantly. Now he speaks through a slight smile, “I get it, though.”

“Good.”

The sun has all but finished setting by the time their little chat is through. It’s gotten colder now that the dark has spilled over the horizon like ink, and Sasha craves the refuge of the car. It would probably be best, too, for them to leave the isolation and exposure of the field behind.

“Let’s go,” he relents, slowly starting his way back down to the road. It hurts to leave, but at the very least Jess will take his spot in the passenger seat instead of disappearing completely from his life again.

Nuuuuuuuuuuu. Well that was quite the anitclimax. I suppose it is a bittersweet ending there ultimately but it certainly appears to be on the sadder and bitter side of that with all of these emotions having to be held in and the sweetness only coming from them not having to part ways.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've done a really great job here. These characters feel so full of life and I find myself very invested in their stories. The way you setup atmospheres here is just incredible and the dialogue with all its subtle bits of information for us to decipher.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate