[flash=560,315]http:///www.youtube.com/v/oIhdxVmRmIM?hl=en_US&version=3&rel=0[/flash]
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO SOUNDCLOUD
Do you think of me
the way I always think of you
at the oddest realms of time?
Do I fill your mind
the way you always do with mine,
Painful, pathetic, but perfectly fine?
But I guess you don't;
you've already turned away;
no reason at all to stay,
a hummingbird brought astray.
And I know I don't—
no need to look 'round twice
to tell I'm a spot on your dice;
better hide behind the ice,
run away from lies.
If once before
you thought of me instead of her,
the moon will cry for us tonight,
till morrow brings
a hopeful sun burning bright,
assures my soul everything will be alright.
Though I can't change hist'ry—
what has happened happened,
meant to trip when we met,
so I'll forget regret.
I can't change what's been:
you're now a part of me,
the gleaming silver streams
flowing in my deepest dreams.
A year from now, or two
my heart will laugh as blue
relishing lavish youth—
they say I was in love with you,
but what they say is not quite true:
I'm still in love with you.
This is the only that will be in my poetry collection "Forgotten Things To Say," so I thought I'd let ya'll here it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Geeky here!:)
As a song writer myself I would like to let you know, Your EXTREMELY talented!!!
I love this piece so much!
One thing is have you thought about a chorus, something that kind of repeats its self and has the main meaning of the entire song?
You really have to read outside of the lines to understand the true meaning of this song, it's one thing to be able to read out side of the lines but to write outside of the lines is a true talent
I couldn't find any errors, so congrats on that!
You are a very talented writer and I think you should continue to write poems and songs because it's a very good way to get emotions out, pass time, and it's also an amazing way to escape.
A lot of us get deeply lost in our writing to where we can't stop, and these beautiful thoughts just spill on a page. and I think you're one of them!:)
Sorry I couldn't be any help!!!
Good luck on future writings
Sincerely,
Geeky:)
As a poem, it's actually very artistic.
I couldn't do it with the music thingy (My mom would hear it, and I'm not supposed to be on this late.) But, I have a good feeling that it could work to nearly any beat you tried to pair it with!
I'm kind of frustrated with the line "i'm still in love with you." Only because I was hoping it'd be a little darker. But that's only because I am a generally dark person.
I'd give it a 7/10. Which is good.
Good luck to you.
i know the ending is cheesy. but somehow, i guess, i really am cheesy. lol. thanks so much for the review. porcey x
I liked the Poem/song but i think if you want it to be a song you should just let it. If it was you will need a chourse. Because without you telling me that its a song. so before i read it, your voice is NICE. i Like the part where you said,"
"But I guess you don't;
you've already turned away;
no reason at all to stay,
a hummingbird brought astray."
Love the ending of that. Just eep doing what your doing and it does look like a free verse and if you want some listeaners, please make a Chourse because without that, what else is going to be stuck in somebodys head. Humming the song. Then they will listean and tell people, and people will start asking who is that, who wrote that?
thank you for the review, brielle. i understand what you're trying to say.