Supernova

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

I quite liked this. It was interesting, and I found it original, unlike a lot of poems posted these days.

However, you need to work on your punctuation. I mean, you have all these full-stops (periods) and it bothers me to no end. It doesn't really finish well: it's rather abrupt and choppy and doesn't make for a decent read. But the subject was executed well, making up for the choppiness.

Yours,
Lavvi

It was good but by the middle it got weak. I really like it, and I can see the message you're conveying, I just don't know if the words you use are strong enough.

I knew this good weather wouldn’t last forever.
How can something that felt so right end up so wrong?
Now there’s nothing left for us to do but to pick up the pieces
Start again, and figure out the reasons why?

#00BF80 ">there's not much to grab hold of here, just some vague, cliche metaphors.

It was so bright, the sun that shone from your eyes.
Now I see your light was just a reflection of mine.
As we rose and our light got brighter we became a supernova.
Hurtling through the sky together to come crashing down
On some far distant world.

#40FFBF ">i don't know. Too much brightness in this stanza, its sorta distracting and I'm having trouble following the metaphor. The light in 'your' eyes is just the reflection from the narrators eyes? I like the idea of a supernova but this poem doesn't seem to have any awareness of what a supernova actually is. I like to see that reflected or rooted in some way, you know? Anyway, I generally don't like poems that use the personal 'you' pronoun. I usually feel locked out from them, and I definitely get that feeling in this poem.

In your weakened state I saw the light in your eyes begin to fade
You whispered your love to me and then you were gone.
The mirror blackened and the stars blew out.
Because we had died.

#808040 ">this is only interesting because you previously said the light in 'your' eyes was the reflected light form the narrators eyes, so if 'your' light is fading, then that means the narrator's light is fading, right? I liked mirror blackened and stars blew out, that's the most interesting line in the whole thing but the last line totally lost it. "Because we had died." I don't know, there's got to be a better way to put that.

As you develop a voice, I'd urge you to remember these things:

a) Strong poems usually contain sensory detail, things that can be experienced by the senses. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, etc.

b) show, don't tell. Emotions can be conveyed in subtle ways. You don't always have to spell everything out.

c) William Carlos Williams once said: "No poetry except in things." I tend to agree with that.

hope this helps?

best,

i like this peice. i think you have potenial. just keep going at it more. you write more better you get at it. keep writing

I would split the lines so they're shorter. That way the poem flows better ^^

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Supernova

New postby popatemyheart1994 on Fri Apr 15, 2011 8:44 am

Spoiler! :
Okay, so I ws feeling all self obsessed and reflective so I wrote this, it's kind of about being in sync with someone, the events in the poem are happening to the narrator's partner but it also is happening to the narrator aswell. Well that was the idea, I hope I conveyed it well enough :/



I knew this good weather
wouldn’t last forever.
How can something that felt so right;
end up so wrong?
Now there’s nothing left for us to do
but to pick up the pieces
Start again,
and figure out the reasons why?

It was so bright,
the sun that shone from your eyes.
Now I see your light
was just a reflection of mine.
As we rose and our light got brighter
we became a supernova.
Hurtling through the sky together
to come crashing down
On some far distant world.

In your weakened state
I saw the light in your eyes begin to fade
You whispered your love to me
and then you were gone.
The mirror blackened
and the stars blew out.
Because we had died.