Image is my life, I only go skin deep.
Without a brain, I'm looking good
but I find I cannot speak.
My heart is made of plastic,
it beats an awful sound.
Money is a love of mine,
that lives six feet under ground.
Don't pretend you know me
when I'm changing every day.
A plastic heart will last forever
when yours will rot away.
Those people with their degrees
with minds that seem on fire.
I am so much better than them
You can tell by my attire.
If your unhappy with yourself
you can always nip and tuck?
but if you've maxed out your credit card
then I guess your out of luck.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Nice interesting poem. I liked it. Keep writing!
Hey there!
I really like this. The theme is good and well thought out. I like how you played the part of someone who is modern, whether than someone who looks at a modern man in disgust. It's a cooler and less-used angle.
Like what Conrad said, I think the only thing wrong with this is the choppiness. The number of syllables in the lines are different, and your constant rhymes add to the unevenness, also. What would I suggest? Making sure your lines are more random. If you rhyme in every line, and try to have the same amount of syllables, you will spend your entire time trying to get the technicals of the poem right, but not the message behind it.
Your line "But lives six feet under ground" doesn't fit into the poem well. Usually when something is underground, we think of it as buried. When things are buried, they are not thought of. The opposite of 'six feet under ground' would be 'right in front of my face,' which is actually the phrase you want to convey. Be careful with rhyming. It can often lead you to words that don't fit into the poem. I'd change this to something that is the same meaning as 'in front of my face.'
All in all, this was very interesting. This topic is common, yes, but I like your take on it. It's not too sophisticated and full of symbolism, but it isn't too blunt. It's somewhere right in the middle, which is good. You'll have time for symbolism and all that stuff later when your writing becomes more reformed.
Stay frosty,
Classy
I really like this theme you have going, the narrator thinking high of himself, yet still needs to change themself to feel better. Plus how the narrator views their money. I really liked these. All together a good short poem, worthy of being tweaked and worked on and then pinned on the wall. Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
This is an interesting piece. I like the re-occurring theme of plastic you have going on here, and think that this poem could be greatly strengthened if you try to integrate it a bit better into the whole thing.
I also suggest that you try to tinker with the rhythm of this poem, as there really seems to be something off with it. Try reading this out loud to yourself, and see where things flow and where they feel a bit clunky. Then edit and tweak accordingly. Doing this will really give this poem a helping hand, in my opinion.
Overall, not a bad start. You just need to work with it a little more. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice