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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hi!
So, I would like to say I enjoyed reading the poem. I found it very sweet, loving and it reminded me of my own mother. My mother is the World to me. Haha. =) The poem kept me to read on and on, and for a poem like this, I think you should have written more. But, every story has a stop.
Nitpicks:
1. Some of the sentences here are too long for the poem as compared to other lines. Like here:
All these lines for too lengthy. If you could shorten it up, it could look more nice and fun to read.
And it is not 'experiance', its spelled 'experience'. Just a typo mistake.
2. Stanza's need to have even number of lines. The stanza's you have are all mixed in the number of lines. First its 3, then 2, concluding stanza is 6 and finally, 1. The end part doesn't matter too much, but all the others do. You could have divided the 6-lined stanza by expressing more into 2 more stanza's. It could have fit better.
3. The title "Never forget-- always remember" was a good one but I don't think it sums up the whole of the poem. Maybe you should try different options.
4. "Breathing in sweetness"? The description is wrong here. 'Sweetness' doesn't get along too well with 'Breathing'.
Overall:
I loved it and you have a lot of talent to write! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and thanks for posting! Just improve on your stanza's, and you should be alright. You write good! I'll rate it 7/10.
Keep Writing!~
ChocoCookie
Hallo, I'm Sherlock.
I liked this poem, the rhythm and the emotions behind it, but it's not perfect.
I'll try to rectify most of your mistakes below.
The following stanza:
"She stroked the baby's arm
Taking in tenderness and
Leaving love"
I think it should be "letting out love" or something like that. "Leaving love" just doesn't sound right.
"She looked into her child's eyes
Seeing pure inoccence and
Giving love"
Okay, this stanza did not make sense. Does she see pure innocence and giving love? If that's the case, how did she see "giving love".
Also, tense changes. Stop. Stick to one tense, please.
"But remember
though it all
Don't forget that
I will always will be
breathing love
leaving love
giving love
to you"
You can't be leaving love to anybody. It doesn't make sense.
This stanza is really cheesy, and not exactly unexpected. You just took lines from the previous stanzas and put them here. Not very original, darling.
Another thing, punctuation. You need to make use of it, or the poem will not make sense. I don't see one comma or a full stop in this entire piece, and that's really annoying as it detracts from the flow of the piece. Punctuation is there to make it easier to understand and enjoy a piece of writing, so, use it, okay?
All in all, an average piece.
I'm sure you'll get better.
Keep writing,
Sherlock.
Hey Poem,
This is great. I think you've done an awesome job. The beat, the description, everything, I just love it. The only thing I would change is in the last few lines. When you say "Don't forget that" I would eliminate "that". It's just a bit excessive and I think it would flow better without it. That aside though I was thoroughly impressed by your work and i would like to see more. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.
Zephion