Published February 17, 2012
Serena squinted into the foggy morning air. A rooster was crowing, its call distorted in the distance. The sun was coming up and the world had taken on a pink glow. Anyone else would have let their guard down, but she knew what was waiting in the shadows.
An arrow shot out from nowhere, sticking in the tree behind her; a note was tied to end of it. Serena warily unfolded it and read its contents.
"Here is your reply, at the requested time in the requested place: You are correct, if you are real. We have chosen to trust you, but at an expense. We request you come meet us and bring a source of food with you. The judge has cut off our supply. For you, stranger, we have risked ourselves. For you, we have become rebels. It is your duty to lead us."
The letter fell on the ground as Serena stood there, shaking. They're real, she thought. Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to ease her laboured breathing. The world around her dissolved as the realization hit her again.
"They're real!" She blurted out. Almost instantly, a man swooped down upon her.
"Silence!" He whispered. His tone was aggressive, but Serena did not feel threatened. There was something off about him. He seemed real and solid, but he was fading around the edges. His skin was a creamy chocolate brown, his eyes were pure black. He was so... even. No flaws on his skin, no dirt beneath his nails. Not a single silver hair on his head was out of place.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
I like what you did with this, I guess you fixed all the gramatical errors. So to go onto to the story:
Really suspensful, and you left a lot of suspense to the reader. There is a lot of things in this that you can put in later chapters, even how small the introduction is.
I like it, and it is driving me nuts, so I want you to write more!
Thank you for the feedback!
Originally I didn't have it stopping so abruptly, but I wanted a short snippet for a tester. I probably should have just put in the whole first chapter.
I will take out her name there, though.
That is really good! I want to know more! The only things that I think you could change are these two parts:
"and the world around Serena had taken on a pink glow."
I think that you don't need to add Serena in there, because we already know where she is, and that she is the only person there. You might want to consider changing it to "and the world had taken on a pink glow."
Another thing that you might want to consider revising is the last sentence. It stops very abruptly, which might have been the effect that you where trying to achieve, but it doesn't really match the flow of the rest of the piece.
I think that you should write more about this. This short intro really brought me in, and I want to know more!
~ Rianne
Okay, fixed everything you mentioned. I added a little more to the end, so please tell me what you think!