I was sipping my coffee as she passed
Her hair frizzing from the rain
Her face was frantic
Her voice was cracked
She was searching for something in vain
.
The wind started howling as she passed
Pushing her frail figure away
Her umbrella upturned
And then, wayward bound
She watched as it flew away
.
I just had to wonder as she passed
Just what kind of person she was
What she would do
Were she in my shoes
Or what I would do in hers
.
It struck me like lightning as she passed
The thing she searched for held meaning
Because when her umbrella
Abandoned her there
She took a deep breath and searched on
.
I watched from my shelter as she passed
And realized what I failed to see
She bent over
To pick it up
A pretty gold engagement ring
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
I must say, this poem was very sweet, and I have one heck of a sweet tooth when it comes to writing, and chocolate. Needless to say, I liked it very much.
Honestly, this is the only problem I saw with the poem, and it is that there is no rhyming scheme in these two stanzas as there are in the first two and final one. While not a serious issue because you weren't making the rhyming a huge, very obvious part of the poem, it disrupts the flow just a bit, and let's be honest, we're all striving for perfection.
I personally liked this poem so much because of its simplicity and minimalist style. You don't use flowery language to explain the scene as it plays out. In fact, you don't really use much language at all. In many cases, especially for poetry, this is a bad thing as it's hard to convey emotion or feeling through such basic words, but when I reached the end, I found myself touched, even if just the slightest bit. But that's all it takes to get on thinking.
While I doubt you were trying to make any "point" here, this last stanza just made me realize, once again, the importance of marriage. It's one of those little things that we always think about, but seriously, it hit home and I found myself thinking on the subject for awhile before my conscience started saying "ground control to Major Tom."
But this is what poetry is all about. Even if a piece has virtually no meaning in and of itself, it can and often does become a great piece simply because of what it causes the Reader to do. I don't know if you've ever seen the short film "The Red Balloon" or not, but it was pretty much pointless, and pretty awkward. No fun to watch, at all, and I saw no message in it. But people used to rave about it and say how politically touching it was. In the end, I thought it wasn't worth the time to watch, but others did, and so, what can I say?
That's how I feel about this piece. I thought it was great, but others might not, so who can really say? Job well done, though.
Thank you pjkio03!
This was very good, and carried a rather nice little message. Especially in that last line. However, there were a couple of things you can improve on.
In the second line of the first stanza, instead of "frizzed", I think "frizzled" would be a better word. It makes the line run by smoother.
Also, it would make the poem better by telling where exactly the narrator was situated as the woman passed them. We know they were drinking coffee, but that doesn't set up much of a setting. (I'm sorry, that sounded a little mean.)
And the last line in the fourth stanza did not rhyme, which upset the poem's rhythm a little.
Other than that, this was a very nice poem. With a couple of tweaks, it would be awesome! I liked it.
Hey, Weymouth here to review this because I am insanely bored at school :')
I think most of it was really good, it has a nice feel to it, but maybe you could have clarified as to where the speaker is situated as the person passes by, as I was slightly confused until the last few stanzas.
In the stanza before the penultimate stanza, I wasn't completely sure what was going on, you just seemed to have a random deep moment there, you haven't shown us what situation either person is in, you've more like skipped around the whole subject and left us guessing.
The end was good I thought, slightly abrupt but kind of sweet in a way. I think that with a little editing this could be a really great piece of work. Keep it up!
Very nice, but there are a couple of snags methinks. Firstly, the rhythm in the last verse is a little off. The second last line sounds wrong, as if it were missing a syllable. And the last line seems to be a little too long.
Also the punctuation: punctuation aids rhythm and makes difficult bits less confusing.
I think though that the narrator you have chosen is rather nice, the obvious choice would be the woman, but to keep that suspenseful it would probably sound like Gollum.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey, Cesare Borgia, here for a review,
This was a very good poem, and I really liked it, but their are a couple of nitpicks.
The last line should be, "She searched in vain" it sounds better. Also, the first line. There is nothing wrong with it but it would sound better if it said, "I was sipping a cup of coffee as she passed"
The second line, "pushing her frail figure away".
Thats all,
CesareBorgia signing out.
I loved the poem, but it was a bit hard to understand. Where did the engagement ring come from? Who proposed? What was happening? Other than that it was good, all there was were a few spelling mistakes, bu it was amazing.
Hey! This is a good poem, flows nicely. You captured the moment well.
This may be just my preference, but I would replace 'when she passed' with 'as she passed' everywhere you repeat it considering you are talking about two simultaneous actions.
I found some grammar mistakes. I might be wrong, but isn't 'frizzled hair' the term? And you misspelled lightning and 'what she would do were she in my shoes'.
All in all, I don't dare to comment a lot on poetry because it's not my specialty, but I would say that, other than the grammar, you don't really have to change anything.
Cheers!
Thank you! I think I fixed everything you mentioned, but I'm not really sure :/ Anyways, I appreciate the review and I'm glad you liked it
I loved it! but it was a bit hard tom understand.