The Sun, the stars and the moon --
All cheered when you were born,
Laughed as you enjoyed your transient
Girlhood, where you were bathed by happiness.
Grew jealous when the rain could join in too.
When sorrow became the norm
as you grew out of your little white shorts
when you grew tired of being unable to see,
to sense everything that life had to offer,
They wished that just for once, they could take
You in their arms and never let go as they knew
A day would come When you thought
that ending this little life Was worth it.
They wish they could end all that hurt you
After your innocent days were washed away
forcefully, as alas, life’s ideal perception lasts only
a moment.
They knew that only when you learn to exist
for something bigger than yourself,
Like the sun, the stars and the moon,
Do you want to live again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
this poem is very nice, it is not long, but it does not have to be in order to get its point across, it very easily displays sadness and loss of innocence, i particularly like how you use the being bathed in happiness, a not uncommon phrase, but i have not seen it used in this particular way before. The last line, Do you want to live again, makes me feel like this is only the introduction to some kind of wider story, if it is, please tell me, because i would be highly interested.
Thank you so much @HildeMint ! I am very greatful for your kind thoughts on this poem
I just was overcome by a lot of emotions, and with the rain outside, I just became a poet for an hour lol. I feel as I don't express much outside, I filled this thing with everything i could. Again, thank you so much, it really motivates me to write more like this, especially since I have not written anything since 4 years.
keep it up! you got this,
hiya, piyali
herb here to review this wonderful poem!
Let's dive in!
first impressions
after reading through this, i noticed your use of linebreaks, which really struck me as unique. i like it! regardless, i think that the motifs of girlhood, weather, and space really drives home a feeling of losing something. especially with the lines:
this stanza felt really powerful when tied in with your themes. i like it!
compliments & highlights
there's quite a lot i like in this poem!
first: your use of punctuation is really fun, and i enjoyed the double hyphen -- i do that too in poetry!
second: the linebreaks in spots one wouldn't normally see them, such as "after your innocent days were washed away//forcefully," or "you in their arms and never let go as they knew//a day would come"
third: the theming of being unable to mend what's been hurt. i enjoy sad somber poems like these, and this one is no exception.
critiques & revisions
there's a few things that i have to revise, or just ask about
first: this may be purposeful (as all things are in poetry) but you seem to sporadically capitalize in this poem. i.e: where "do" is capitalized
or
where both Laughed and Girlhood are capitalized
if this is a mistake, or purposeful, it's really no problem :3
secondly: in that last stanza "again" should be followed by a question mark. unless it's poetic style of course :3
final notes & sign off
overall, loved this poem. keep on writing, and i'll have to read more of your works!
sincerely, herb
Hi herb!
Firstly, thank you so much for spending your time reading and reviewing this poem. I honestly was extremely writer oriented in my tweens , but due to school i don't even have time to read let alone write. I was surprised with your kind words, and spo greatful for your critiques.
Actually those capitalisations were done by mistake, but I was just in a rush to post so I forgot them in haha.
Hi piyali! I’m here to write a short review about your piece of poetry here!
Now, for a 12-13y/old, this is amazing! Even for a 16y/old, this is still impressive. There wasn’t any clear rhyme/alliteration that I could see, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t a poem, it means this’s a narrative poem! (a type of poetry that’s main purpose is to tell a story)
Even with that, I could sense a really nice rhythm when reading, and the feels were there all the way through.
For the poem,
Reading this, I felt kind of sad. You weren’t kidding when you labeled this “realistic”! This really hits a bit close to home.
School definitely crushes hopes and creativity from an early age, and I feel that that’s what you were trying to achieve, which you did greatly.
Again, hits way too close to home lol. Ending it all always seems like an easy way out, and you might even think this in real life at times, but the next part:
this feels very much like reaching out to the light, and seeking help. This and,
ends this poem on an overall positive note, and I really like the overall message and story of this poem.
However,
There were some parts which didn’t really make sense. I know that poetry isn’t traditional, novel writing. It’s a place where bending rules, grammar, and even spelling is used for self expression. However,
Lines like these (grew jealous when the rain could join in too), sounds nice, and seems to be a nice line, but in the overall context of the poem, seems a bit unnecessary and confusing in terms of context.
All in All,
I really enjoyed this poem you wrote quite a bit ago! It’s a nice, realistic (maybe 12/16+ since themes of suicide?) piece of poetry that’s easy to read and rhythmically written.
Have a nice rest of your day, and keep on writing! 🍞
Hi ToastK! And thank you so much for your kind review. Honestly, I don't write, but felt a bunch of emotions today (teen hormones lol) and just had to get this poem out , so I didn't think much abt rhyme schemes and other devices.
And btw I love your interpretation! That's what I was feeling too. And that rain part was just very impulsive as it was raining out lol.
But ty for the motivation, and yes this should be 12/16 . Have a nice day!
Hi ToastK! And thank you so much for your kind review. Honestly, I don't write, but felt a bunch of emotions today (teen hormones lol) and just had to get this poem out , so I didn't think much abt rhyme schemes and other devices.
And btw I love your interpretation! That's what I was feeling too. And that rain part was just very impulsive as it was raining out lol.
But ty for the motivation, and yes this should be 12/16 . Have a nice day!