It was the most exquisite statue I had ever seen. I knew her as Lacrimosa. For a hundred years now, this statue had been a tourist attraction. But that’s not all. It holds sorrow, pain and… death.
The legend says that whoever touches this statue, if he or she is her soulmate, then Lacrimosa will become human again. I didn’t know if that was true. No one did. Till now, the statue had remained the same.
Today, I visited the museum in which they kept Lacrimosa. It wasn’t the holidays, so the crowd was relatively small. They had allowed only one person at a time to visit the statue. Now I stood before this magnificent piece of art. Lacrimosa’s face was heart-shaped. Her doe shaped eyes were full of tears. Her mouth looked like she was screaming before the disaster... Her face expressed genuine emotion, unlike the other statues, which seemed artificial. From my eyes to hers, it felt like a connection.
She held a crunched flower in her right hand. Her dress was from the nineteenth century. If she had colours instead of this white, greyish marble, I swear she’d look real.
It tempted me to touch her face. I felt something wrong about this, but I couldn’t resist and put my hands on Lacrimosa’s cheek. I waited, but nothing happened. As expected. I turned around, feeling disappointed. But I quickly turned around again to see something unbelievable.
The hyacinth in her hand turned a light shade of violet. I got closer, taking the flower from her hand. As each second passed by, her tears became more real, then they rushed down to her chin. It was as if she was healing, as if time was reversing itself. Her white marble cheeks changed into light skin with rosy cheeks. Her hair became the darkest shade of brown. Her entire body, along with her green coloured dress, became its true self. Then she moved. Her hands darted straight to her face, and she kept rubbing her eyes to remove the tears, but they seemed to come back.
This I couldn’t control, I went straight towards her. She fell unconscious in my arms. It perplexed me. Guards covered the entry. If they saw me with the most famous girl in the city. They will arrest me for thievery. I didn’t know where to go. She was asleep, I even tried to call her by her name again, but she didn’t wake up. It was understandable. Who wouldn’t want to stay asleep after being frozen in time for more than a century? The first thing I felt was an instant pity. But I had to find a way out.
I kept entering rooms and reentering enormous halls to find the exit. Then finally, at the end of one hall, was a big glowing exit sign. I peeped through the door to check if anyone was outside. An old lady was passing by. She looked at me, and I smiled at her weirdly as to not look suspicious. She didn’t smile back. She ignored me and left. I sighed.
How was Lacrimosa real? And how was I her… soulmate?
I saw a brown leather coat hanging at an umbrella stand. I took it and tried to cover her face and body at the same time. I feel like I'm kidnapping someone; I thought.
I saw my Red Toyota and thankfully, no one was in the parking lot. I turned on the engine and with that; I set off to my home. I loved classical music, so as the radio turned on, it started playing “Lacrimosa” By Mozart.
The irony. Lacrimosa seemed to sleep nicely. She opened her eyes and looked at me; I said nothing. She fell asleep again, and this time she kept her head on my shoulder. It felt warm.
As I arrived at my house, with Lacrimosa in my support, I searched for the keys in my pockets. I had a minor heart attack when I couldn’t find them. But it was fortunate in my back pocket.
I sat her down on my sofa as I thought my bedroom would be weird. I pulled up a vast blanket and placed it on her carefully. My tea skills were awesome. I pulled up a quick hot tea. I looked at Lacrimosa. She blinked her eyes a few times as a reaction to the bright LED lights. She sniffed around her until she realized I was making tea.
“Do you want anything?” I asked.
She stared at me, and instead of answering, she burst into tears. She looked like her statue again, full of pain. “Henry!” She said.
“What happened?” I asked, striding towards her and sat next to her,
“You...you don’t remember me?” She asked. I knew that whatever my answer would be, she would burst into tears again.
“I... don’t,” I said, in a low voice. “Why?”
She wiped her tears and said, “I missed you”
“Can you tell me what you are talking about? I can’t understand a word, Lacrimosa,”
“It seems like you don’t even remember my name, do you?”
She smiled softly and said, “It’s Amara”
“What?”
“My name- It’s Amara,”
“I got that, but- I just can’t believe you’re alive. Right now- Like in my house,” I said, as I questioned everything “You know what, just tell me. How are you, like this?”
“Hmm... okay,” She said.
‘Well, it all began one day when you came to work at my house. While you would work in the garden, I recited my long stories to you.
Our friendship grew, and slowly, when you and I became sixteen, you asked me to marry you. I happily said yes, not knowing it could lead to my eternal misery.
I told this news to my father. My father forced me to stay in my room, saying nothing.
Finally, after a few days, I sneaked out of my room and found that you had left the job. I didn’t believe it and so I asked my dad; he said you resigned yourself, and I would not sit in silence. So I went to your house, and you said you had changed your mind. But I knew my father had something to do about this.
I cried for days and days. One day, I went over to your new job, which was in my neighbour’s house. And I argued with you, begged you, and you said yes. Confessing that it was never your decision.
Hand in hand, I took you with me to my father.
That man told me he would plan our marriage as soon as possible. We were so happy, that moment was everything to us. Me marrying the love of my life was a dream I thought wasn’t achievable.
But my wicked father betrayed me. He captured and sent you to die at the witch’s hands. I witnessed your death; I cried and cried till that witch turned me to a marble statue.’
After hearing that story, my brain was dead. She tried to smile through her teary eyes and I hugged her. A hyacinth scent flew through her hair.
Slowly, the puzzle pieces in my mind came together. And the result was water flowing out of my eyes. I could remember everything, the witch, my death and Amara.
Amara was everything. When I proposed to her, she said yes. We were in love again.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hi pivaliarchives,
Mailice here with a short review!
This was a romance story that I haven't read before in that sense. It had something of a legend or fairy tale about it, which I was very pleased with. I really liked that you took a lot of time to include necessary descriptions and/or emotions to make the characters and places (and especially the statue) more vivid. Definitely a very big plus point. At the same time, I also found that you sometimes remained quite simplistic with some sentences and that, if repeated often, leads to a rather halting and stiff reading flow.
I liked the story because it kind of started off so chillingly and built up to a nice happy ending. I did think slightly that Amara had told the story a little too quickly at the end, speak the ending was a bit rushed, but also thought it was a romantic way to describe it. The little details that were added definitely gave the story more depth.
In general, I thought you didn't do some transitions so well, where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to do a section change. Other than that, it reads a bit weird here too. For example, I was a bit confused about where the guards were in the museum. You mention them, but in the next sentence they seem to have disappeared again.
Other points I found while reading:
Compared to your introduction, this seems more like a "preface" and the next paragraph more like the introduction. It's just a small detail, but would make the beginning a little more orderly than having these two beginnings.
Here the document probably capitalised the letter of "by" by itself.
The transition is not given here.
A full stop is missing here at the end.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
I read the title and description and instantly fell in love with this concept! You did a great job of portraying the emotions and personalities of the characters. Henery seems like an anxious and lovable guy. Amara is, rightfully so, a very emotional being. I would love to see this expanded on and with an alternate ending! It all seemed to come to a close so quickly, I think it would be funny to see them going on an awkward date or something like that. Anyway, this was my first review so I'm still new at this!
Thank you for your kind review! I am happy that you liked it
Hi piyaliarchives, my name is Sarah! I’d like to read and review Lacrimosa today! I am by no means a professional, so take what you find helpful and ignore the rest. I tend to be very nitpicky, but its only to help give ideas to make your writing the best it can be.
“I showed up before the most exquisite statue I had ever seen.” I feel like this first line isn’t really something that would hook a reader. “I showed up before” sounds like you arrived at a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend, instead of gazing at an exquisite statue. “I stood before” would make for sense. And what makes it exquisite? You describe it later, but we want to know what makes it important right off the bat.
“It was a famous statue, Lacrimosa.” In the previous sentence you told the reader that it was a statue, so I don’t think you have to repeat that again. “She was called Lacrimosa” would be more powerful.
“A hundred years from now, this statue has been a place for tourism.” This sentence doesn’t make sense to me. When you say a hundred years from now, it sounds like you are talking about something in the future, but it’s confusing when you say that “this statue has been a place for tourism.” Past tense. But the character is standing in front of the statue currently in a museum, so isn’t it a place for tourists now? And also, a statue isn’t really a place. The museum would be a place, but the statue is not. An idea on making this section more understandable: “The statue had been a popular tourist attraction for many years.”
“It holds sorrow, pain and… death.” There seem to be a lot of past and present tense switches, so I would look over it to make sure everything is in a constant tense. You are telling us that it holds sorrow, pain, and death, and the later descriptions you have for Lacrimosa let us know that she is sorrowful, but where does death come in?
“It wasn’t the holidays, so the crowd was relatively less.” “Relatively less “ doesn’t really sound smooth. “...the crowd was relatively small” would make more sense.
“They had allowed only one person at a time to visit.” You said the crowd was relatively smaller, but that leads the reader to imagine more than one person there. To clarify, you could say that “Only one person was allowed to enter Lacrimosa’s display room at a time.”
“And now I was before this magnificent piece of art.” “And now I was before this” is quite the mouthful. Try not to start your sentences with and. For example, “Now I stood before this magnificent piece of art.”
“Lacrimosa’s face was heart-shaped. Her doe shaped eyes were full of tears. Her mouth looked like she was screaming before the disaster...it seemed.” For the description of Lacrimosa’s face, I feel like to make it more concise you could condense it into one sentence, like “Lacrimosa’s face was heart-shaped, her doe eyes brimming with tears.” And for the second part, what was the disaster? And the “...it seemed” trailing at the end is not necessary. For example: “Her mouth was sculpted into a scream before a disaster.”
“Her face expressed genuine emotions, unlike the other statues, which were all perfect.” Perfect doesn’t seem like the best word to describe statues that don’t express genuine emotions. Wouldn’t a perfect statue be the one expressing genuine emotions? Maybe try “Her face expressed genuine emotion, unlike the other statues, which seemed artificial.”
“But from my eyes to hers, it felt like a connection.” I see what you are saying here, but the word “but” is usually used to introduce a clause that contrasts with something previously stated. And the previous sentence doesn’t really have much to do with this. For example: “I felt a connection when I looked into her eyes.”
“She held a flower in her right hand, crunching the flower.” The word flower is used twice, when we could understand the sentence just as well if it was used once. For example: “She held a flower in her right hand, crunching it.”
“It tempted me to touch her face.” What tempted the character to touch her face?
“The hyacinth in her hand turned a light shade of violet. I got closer, taking the flower from her hand.” I like this part. It creates tension and drama.
“It was as if she was healing as if time was reversing itself.” It would sound smoother if you used “as if” only once in this sentence.
“Her white marble cheeks turned light skin with rosy cheeks.” “Turned light skin”? Did you mean something like, “Her white marble cheeks changed into light skin with rosy cheeks”?
“They will arrest me for thievery.” This is present tense but the rest is in past tense. Is this a thought? If so, put it in italics.
“I wondered, ‘This sounds like kidnapping’”. When you say “I wondered”, it sounds like you are going to ask a question instead of making a statement. And “this sounds” makes it seem like the character is listening to something, when it is really something they are taking part in. For example, “This looks like a kidnapping.” Don’t forget punctuation!
“She fell asleep again, and this time she kept her head on my shoulder. It felt warm.” Awww, this part is so sweet!!
“...with Lacrimosa in my support”. Did you mean, “...with Lacrimosa in my arms”?
“But it was fortunate in my back pocket.” I think you meant “fortunately”?
“I lived alone.” This sentence has its own line and it’s short, making it sound dramatic. Is it supposed to be this dramatic? It sounds like a horror book when you hear a noise coming from the closet but the main character but they live alone.
In the next dialogue section, look back and make sure the punctuation is complete.
“She softly smiled and said, ‘It’s Amara’”. Did you mean, “She smiled softly”?
“Slowly, the puzzle pieces in my mind came together. And the result was water flowing out of my eyes. I could remember everything, the witch, my death and Amara.” I am also confused here. How did Henry remember his death? Is he a reincarnated version of the past Henry? If so, I would make this more clear.
Thank you for posting your writing! This is a really creative idea.
Thank you, your review was very helpful. Most of these sentences are the result of my laziness for editing%uD83D%uDE05 But thank you, I will edit this story again and try not to make these mistakes.
Grammar
1.
this sentence doesn't make much sense. I think you meant something more like this:
2.
add comma between "healing" and "as if time"
3.
if the character is saying it to themselves, it should look like this:
or if they are thinking it, like this:
4.
no dash between "heart" and "attack". also I think "couldn't find them" would work better than "I thought it wasn't anywhere"
5.
"fortunate" should be "fortunately"
Word Choice and Flow
1.
"I showed up before" is distracting. you can just have "It was"
2.
"...it seemed" is redundant and not needed. unless you meant "or so it seemed", which would still be redundant, so you'd needed to change "looked like"
3.
the two flowers are too close together. maybe something like this:
4.
the "Hah!" is jarring and should be removed to preserve the tone
Thank you for the review as I never noticed these
no problem!
I remember reading a prompt about this! I'm so glad someone got around to actually writing about it, (glares at myself).
Oh, you saw that prompt too? I got it from Pinterest.
Same!