z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Among the Stars

by piyaliarchives


Sirius had known that his mom was telling him to go to bed, but he didn’t want to. He walked up to his balcony and stood outside in the cold weather. With his hands kept on the railing for support, he gazed at the crescent moon. That made him remind his dog, Murphy. Murphy no longer existed. Sirius’ mom told him that when someone dies, they become a star. Sirius thought the moon, with stars in her care, would take care of Murphy instead of him.

Sirius felt alone. Even with the stars and the moon. Sighing, he tidied up his bed and read his favourite book “Chris and Moony”. In this book, Chris and his dog Moony would travel to different planets. He always read this book with Murphy, and without him here, Sirius thought this book was no fun. Sirius’ eyes were getting heavy from reading. He felt as if he was asleep, but he wasn’t. He got up and opened his cupboard to keep his book back. But there weren’t piles of books kept in the shelves. Instead, there was a huge puddle of black void, its particles distorting. Sirius thought it reminded him of something from the book he was holding. It was a portal.

Sirius thought it looked scary, but not scary enough to call his mom. He thought if he would throw something in there, the portal would disappear. He threw his book inside, but nothing changed. The big portal was still there. Inside Sirius’ fear, there was also curiousness. He clenched his fist and then moved them toward the portal. With each inch closing between, Sirius’ hand shivered more. Stopping it an inch away from the portal, Sirius sighed and threw his hand in. This was it. He saw his hand disappearing; he thought it was crazy. But it excited him. Closing his eyes, he went through the portal.

What he saw there was unbelievable. The rusty red sand moved beneath his feet. The stars were visible, and the sun too. But it didn’t look like it was morning. The ghost quiet atmosphere, with the red ground, could only be Mars. Even this unwelcoming place seemed alluring to him. He looked behind him. The portal was still there. But he didn’t think of going back. When he focused more, the place seemed cartoony. Sirius had known that humans couldn’t breathe on other planets. Oxygen was a must.

Sirius made sure not to get too far away from the portal, he could get lost. When he walked what seemed like a few hundred meters, he noticed a huge volcano-like structure. It was probably one. Sirius sprinted toward the volcano. It was the same hue of red he’d seen everywhere. Sirius got bored. Walking midway to his destination, he stopped. He wanted to go back home. But he was lost.

All looked the same. He bit his lips and scratched his head. He ran what seemed like miles and miles. He crouched and his hands darted to his face, tears flowed from his eyes. He screamed for help, but no one came.

His skin around his shirt felt that something was tugging at it. He took his face out from his hands. Before his eyes was no one other than his beloved dog, Murphy. Murphy’s golden hair seemed like actual gold to Sirius. He thought it was a blessing. Murphy’s eyes gleamed as it did before. Before he left Sirius. His familiar scent bought tears in Sirius’ eyes again. Murphy barked happily as Sirius hugged him. Sirius knew Murphy had gone nowhere. Murphy would never leave him.

Sirius saw that Murphy had bought a tennis ball along with him. Murphy gave him the ball, signalling him to play catch with him. This put an instant smile on Sirius’ face. Sirius played with Murphy for hours and Sirius still wasn’t tired, so wasn’t Murphy. Then Murphy suddenly ran away and Sirius followed him as he went up to the volcano. Come with me, I want to show you something!

This gave Sirius a shock; this was the first time Murphy had talked to him. But that wasn’t the most surprising thing that happened. After saying those words, Murphy leapt into the sky, high enough for him to reach the stars. Sirius’ mouth fell open, Sirius too jumped to reach where Murphy was. Then Sirius laughed along with Murphy wagging his tail. Sirius wasn’t afraid or sad anymore. He was happy that he was with Murphy again. He listened to Murphy about his adventures for hours. It reminded him of his favourite book.

Finally, Murphy climbed down the stars and to the ground again. Sirius followed him. They made their way back to where they came from. The dog ran around as Sirius chased him. Murphy walked along the planet with Sirius beside him. Sirius realized where they were going. Both of them arrived at the portal. Sirius without question went toward the portal expecting Murphy to follow him. But that wasn’t the case.

“Murphy? Come, It’s time to go home.” Sirius said.

“No, Sirius. I am staying here.”

“What do you mean? Everyone would be so happy to see you at home.” Sirius crouched down to Murphy’s level.

“Please, no. Don’t tell me to come with you. I want to stay on Mars.”

“No, no. Please. Come with me to home. I can’t live without you,” Sirius said as his eyes became moist.

“I am happy here. Sirius, you need to learn to live without me,”

Sirius didn’t reply. Murphy’s paw touched Sirius’ face. He wasn’t ready to live without him. He couldn’t.

“A last game?” Sirius asked. Murphy nodded. Sirius and Murphy played their last game. Sirius was about to leave. Murphy raised his paw and waved Sirius a goodbye. Sirius clenched his palm but finally waved goodbye to Murphy.

“Goodbye, Murphy,”

Sirius backed toward the portal and entered it. The portal closed behind him.

Suddenly, Sirius opened his eyes, realizing it was all just a dream with his favourite book beside him.


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Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:29 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi piyaliarchives,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This is a very beautiful, heart-warming story you have written here. I like it from the narrative and how you manage to close a wound with the cuteness that you bring to having written the story here.

You are very straightforward and start right away to introduce the reader to the characters and by the second paragraph the reader has developed some understanding of Sirius and the grief he possesses. I think you deliver that in a good structure, especially because it's kept simple, which also allows you to build a connection between the reader and the characters. That's why it feels realistic.

I especially like how it comes to a kind of sad happy ending towards the end, how Sirius was able to be with Murphy one more time. I also like the metaphor you tell about the stars and how the story always mentions that in the background.

One thing I noticed, though, is a kind of "directness" that runs through the story. You describe it as it is, rather than sometimes inserting a different structure, whether it's a passive sentence structure or describing it in a more subliminal way. This gives the whole writing style a kind of "simplicity" that is good to read, but if the story were longer, would certainly steer some readers into a kind of boredom. By this I don't mean that the story is bad, but that the writing style needs to change a bit to leave a lasting effect on the reader.

Sirius thought the moon, with stars in her care, would take care of Murphy instead of him.


I would just rewrite the sentence a bit here because you use "care" twice.

In summary, it was a beautiful story, with great narration. A little bit of style needs to be worked on, but otherwise a great story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Wed Dec 09, 2020 12:15 am
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Overwatchful wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
This is a very cute little story! And it's well written, too. I think a lot of people here can relate to the pain of losing a pet. I definitely can.
There isn't much to correct here, but I'll do what I can.


Come with me, I want to show you something!

I think you meant to put this in quotation marks, since Murphy is speaking.
Also, while I'm on the subject of Murphy speaking, I think you moved past Sirius's surprise too fast. At least have him ask Murphy why he can talk. I think it would round out the story even better than it already is!

He clenched his wrists

I've... never heard that phrase before. Did you mean "fists," maybe? Or you mean something else. Just a thought.

Anyway, that's all I have. You did a great job! I hope you post more stories soon!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242






Oh lol! I accidentally put wrists instead of fists, lmao thanks for pointing that out. And I will think about slowing down the pace around Sirius' surprise! I didn't put it in quotation marks, I intended to italicise it, but I forgot. Glad you liked my story %uD83D%uDE0A



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Mon Dec 07, 2020 8:17 pm
starbean wrote a review...



Hi! Hannah here for a quick review. First of all, I loved this! I think that you described the scene very well. I could vividly picture it in my head. I like how creative it was. I think that both Sirius's and Murphy's characters were well developed. I think my favorite part was when they met each other again. That was so happy! And I loved Murphy's character, he was very honest about where he wanted to be. Also, I loved how at the end it turned out that it was all a dream. It was a good conclusion. It seemed like Sirius had found closure after having a simple dream. I have no critiques! That's all for today. Merry Christmas, keep writing and have a good day!






Thank you so much! I am glad you liked it :D I thought people wouldn't like the ending as it was cliche, but really good to know that y'all liked that!




When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio