z

Young Writers Society


12+

Her Mask - Chapter Two

by pinkflutegirl


"Listen up! Class, today, we have a new student!" Mrs. Wills says loudly as she claps her hands.

Who could be it be in the middle of the year?, Noelle thinks.

A boy with brown skater hair walked into the classroom. His North Face jacket and basketball shorts cover his well built body. Random freckles mark his cheeks and nose. When he faces the classroom, his bright green eyes directly stare into her eyes; they pierce right through Noelle, making her shiver. Noelle smiles at him weakly.

D-Does he know me?, Noelle thinks, scared.

"Hello, my name is Christopher. I go by Chris though." Chris says, still staring at Noelle.

Christopher? Chris...? No nothing I can recall of remembering, Noelle ponders.

"Let's see... Perfect! You can sit behind Noelle, she's the perfect person to ask questions." Mrs. Wills says excitedly,"Noelle raise your hand, please."

Noelle raises her hand slightly and with a warm welcome smile. He walks over to the desk behind her. As he sits, Noelle moves uncomfortably in her chair. She turns around, to meet his eyes.

"Well Chris, if you have any questions at all y-" Noelle starts to say.

"I got it." Chris interrupts.

"Alright, who here is 17 years-old?" Mrs. Wills asked the class.

Half the class raised their hands, including Noelle. Everybody looked around to observe, Chris with hand down, is looking at the back of Noelle's head.

With hatred in his eyes, he speaks to himself, I've come back Noelle Hallinger. I've come back for revenge.

~

Serena looks at Chris, the new student, noticing how he was looking at Noelle. 

"What is with him?" Serena whispers, quietly, to herself.

While other students were staring with admirable eyes, Serena was confused. Girls were staring at how handsome and cute he looked, while the guys were staring at how well-built he was. There was chatter among the students about Chris. He, however, did not want to talk to the other students. He was a natural "lone wolf". He chose to be one, for the sake of his past. He didn't want to be hurt again.

~

"Noelle, you're one lucky girl!" Shannon said. 

"Yeah! It's so not fair! You're so lucky!" Julie admitted. 

"Huh?" I say puzzled.

They come in closer and giggled. 

"You get to sit by Chris!" They whispered to me, "not only that, you have every class with him!"

"Hahaha you guys are so silly, it's no big deal!" Noelle said.

Noelle then thought about this, she did have every class with Chris. She then felt a sensation of someone watching her, she looked around to find him, Chris, staring at her. She looked at him with uneasiness and waved at him, as soon as did so, he looked away.  

School was dismissed for the day, Noelle and John, her next-door neighboor, were talking to the way to their lockers. Coicidently, not only were they 

She unfolds the paper that is crumpled in her palm and reads it. 

Meet me outside of Eagles Park, 9pm SHARP. 

I have to tell you something.

~ Chris


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Fri Jul 11, 2014 5:03 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey Pink, Scarlet here for review!


This was actually just as interesting as Chap.1 I enjoyed it and hope to read more!

I do have a few nitpicks though.


-Most guys who'd really like a girl would be really nervous. Maybe him stutter a bit and instead of asking Noelle to be his 'girlfriend' maybe he could just ask her out. It's what most guys ask.

Who could be it be in the middle of the year?


This needs to be fixed it sounds odd. Read it too yourself a couple of times.
I think it would sound better this way.

Who could it be in the middle of the year?



I've come back for revenge.


This also needs to be in italics since it's a thought.

"What is with him?" Serena whispers, quietly, to herself.



There doesn't need to be a comma between quietly and to.

"Hey John. What did you need?" She asked him with a smile.


I think instead of a period after John there should be a comma.

"Hey John, what did you need?" She asked him with a smile.


Other than that I really enjoyed this chapter and encourage you to keep writing.

Great Job! I give you a 6 1/2/10

Image



With love, your dearest friend, Scarlet






Thanks looser(;

Love yah:3



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Fri Jul 11, 2014 2:10 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello again, Pink, Wolf here for a review.

I have a question, does this particular novel have a name? I recall the first chapter was labeled 'Her Mask - Chapter 1', but then this one doesn't seem to have a title. Was the first chapter just reversed in the order and the chapter was called 'Her Mask' or is that the novel's name? It's alright not to have a name for it just yet, but if you do try putting the name in the title of the chapter (such as "Untitled: Chapter X ~ Chapter Name), because it makes it easier to follow.

Little nitpick:

Who could be it be in the middle of the year?, Noelle thinks.

So this is super small, but my OCD must point out that adding the thought potion is like a dialogue tag, so you don't need the comma and the question mark. Only the question mark is needed.

So I'm a little confused. The teacher asks the class who is seventeen, and I'm not exactly sure why. It just kind of seemed shoved in there. If there was a reasonable, justified reason to why she asked, that can be understandable, but just leaving if off there just seems like random information put in for the reader's sake.

Also, I find it hard to believe that Noelle is seventeen. Her thoughts and actions don't really live up to that age (in my opinion). I can understand she's trying to be a goodie-two shoes as a mask for her real emotions, but honestly she seems more fourteen-ish rather than seventeens. Maybe try to make her seem older.

One last thing, I'm not sure I really feel the conversation between John and Noelle. It seems really forced and not really any emotion. I mean, if a guy was asking a girl out there would probably be more emotion in the dialogue rather than a simple, "Will you be my girlfriend?" Think about that when you edit.

Still, I quite liked this. This new kid intruges me, and I'm quite curious as to what he me going to do. What reason does he have to hate Noelle? Does it have to do with breaking his heart or someone he knows? I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




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Fri Jul 11, 2014 1:13 am



I love it! I can't to wait to read more! i hope you keep writing these. you are a really good writer!






AWH thanks(: I'll try to keep it up!!




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi