Published September 9, 2009
This is the prologue to a random idea of mine. Tell me what you think.
----
He was always there.
In the tiniest corner of my mind that I thought nothing could touch, in every dark corner that I walked past, even in the disturbed eyes of my sister he was there.
“Ria!” The shrill tone of her voice startled me back to reality. I didn’t like seeing Tyler this way. Her fiery red hair stuck out all over her head; her blue eyes looked around wildly. Her knees trembled beneath her weight.
“Ty, it’ll be okay,” I tried to declare with conviction. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, and when she looked into my eyes it felt like she could see my soul struggling with him.
“Ria, Ria, get him out. Make him leave!” She yanked my hand and held it steadfastly to the crown of her head. I gently pulled my hand away from her.
“There’s no one here, silly girl.” My voice wavered. She knew him just as well as I did. I gripped her frail shoulders and spun her around so she could see the whole room. She deftly wriggled from under my hands and turned towards me. Her eyes filled with urgency as they met mine. Cold fingers patted my warm face, catching my attention.
“You know that’s not what I mean. In here,” she clutched her head. “I know you can feel him. I’ve seen him in your eyes. You can see him in mine too.” I blinked at the uncloaked wisdom and maturity in her words. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, and it was all my fault.
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello there!
I like how the starting went to hype me up for what's gonna happen next. The ending made me question a lot things though but I guess that's how you what your story to be. It made me think that there is someone stuck on the person's mind in a very strange way. It also gave me an odd feeling too. The dialogue is kinda messy. But over all, it's kinda good. Keep it up!
Merry Christmas too. I'm excited, it's just 3 days to the day.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is quite the start there. Immediately we get the sense of our character here being affected by some sort of supernatural entity or possibly worse some person who has left this powerful imprint on them either through having being lost in some form or having caused some other great pain. Either way, it definitely makes for a powerful opening here that has you asking lots of questions.
The way that's going certainly ends up narrowing things down a bit. It seems its not something like a loved one that's passed away and is hard to forget but rather it seems to something a little more malicious that seems to be doing something similar to possession here. It definitely comes across as pretty terrifying with the dialogue here and I'm loving it.
Oooh well that makes for quite the ending there. It seems the situation at play is somehow even more complicated than some sort of malicious possession and it really makes for so many questions here as we reach the end. I find myself very curious to try and imagine what this could be about. I think this definitely does enough to have us wanting to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I have to say you got me hooked. I love how you made it a mystery to the reader an unknown feeling. Keep writing I want to see what happens.
Hey! Blu here!
W-o-w. That was really good. You gave the perfect amount of information to the upcoming story, but left us hanging all the same.
This sounded a bit odd. Maybe:
He was there in the tiniest corner of my mind that I thought nothing could touch, in every dark corner that I walked past, even in the disturbed eyes of my sister.
This sounds a little better, and it isn't as cobbled to read.
That was the only nit-pick I found that hadn't been commented on.
Like Snoink, I want to see my questions answered as you continue! You've made the perfect prologue, and we're under your control. Will you comply to our request?
Overall, this was excellent. Keep it up!
Oh, and do PM me when you post the first chapter.
~blu
Thanks all of you guys for the awesome reviews. I'm working on the next piece now, and I hope I don't dissapoint.
all i can say is W-O-W this is really great! I havent read anything this good in a long time! Keep up the EXELLENT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Pinkangel!!
Instant reply!!
I have to say this was brilliant. This was a nice rpolowgue, that if other books had prologues like this one, i would definetely buy them. So this was very nice,it definitely hooks up the reader. you didn't give too much information, just the necessary to get the feeling of the story and create intrigue from the very beginning.
You already have some previews reviews which point out, almost everything, but I have some nitpicks.
This sentence is good, but I'd like to know more about her expression. How did her face look? despaired, concerned?
In this part I feel as if there was something missing, maybe like: She yanked my hand and held it steadfastly to the crown of her head, shaking desperately.I gently pulled away my hand and looked at her with gentle eyes.
This is just an example an I hope you get the idea of what I mean. I mean that a bit more description would do good.
As Kat said, there is a small punctuation issue and even when it is very subtle, it makes the sentence look and sound a bit awkward. I think a comma between sister and he would do good.
Overall.
This was awesome, you left many questions, not that it was wrong but the intrigue was incredible, I loved it. The He character is very interesting since it sems like an entity or something. So I hope to see more about this.
If you need anything then jsut PM please and tellme when are you posting the other parts of this story.
Keep it up
PUdin
Wow! What a beginning! I would definitely like to read more. Some prologues practically give away the entire story, but yours didn't, and I liked that. You definitely left me with a lot of questions, and a reader would have to have the curiosity of a spoon to not want to read on.
The whole thing with Tyler being a girl was kind of confusing though, as reviewers above me have stated. Other than that, good job! Pm me if you post any more.
You know, I can't resist to a computer cookie
Here is Kat for a review! Thanks for stopping by my WRFF thread 
I. Details, details!
This hasn't got any mistake, grammar and punctuation wise, but I feel like there are words missing at the end. I think that if you repeat 'he was there', it would fill in that blank.
I don't think 'say' is the best verb to use here. Maybe something like she tried to make it sound as convicted as possible <-- that sounded bad xD Anyway, try to consider another verb.
And that's about it! Since this is rather short.
II. Awesome, I liked it!
Stupid me, I already put it all on the title. I agree with Snoink, on the answer things. Which is good, you left me intriguide. I am really intersted on who the 'he' is. Like a ghost, or a soul or something. I'm making a movie already. So, I'd really like to see more of this!
Sorry for the short review, but it ain't much to say. Hope I've helped!
- Kat
This is definitely and interesting piece for sure. There was no really issues with punctuation grammar, yet there was a couple mess ups that don't really matter. They are easy to fix. If you just read it over, I am sure you would find them, they are that scarce.
First off, I would like to say that this seems excellent and I am very intrigued. I have the same question as Snoink come into mind, and if readers are asking question then it means you pretty much have them hooked. That is certainly a good thing to do, making this a very well done prologue.
One thing I did have a small issue with was the names. The names are perfectly fine, but because you have a male name for the sister, it can through people off. That means, I recommend having the names introduced in the actual chapters and just refer to her as 'she', possibly. That means you can make it easier on the reader to understand. Another this is with the name 'Ria'. It is a perfectly fine name, as before, yet it makes it hard for me to actually know the narrators gender. From how you actually described things, it made me think that Ria was a boy, but Ria is a very feminine name. If it is indeed a female, I would recommend make sure it is known by how you write it with descriptions or the thoughts. Thought I like how there was barely any thoughts because it mainly made me think it was a prologue, and just got me sucked in more.
Then there is this line:
First off, I want to say that I don't really like the first sentence and that is because I don't even know how to find peace in my own mind. I think that you could describe her frazzled appearance or something of that sort to get the same effect. And when you say, 'it seems she was never at peace' I think of dead people and how people say 'rest in peace'. I think if you don't want to redo it, you can simply use a thesaurus and find out a new word which works to the same meaning.
Then I don't like the 'what did she have to worry about'. It makes it seem like the narrator doesn't actually know whats going on. I would get rid of that and replace it with something else. Because obviously, Ria's sister knows that Tyler is worried about something to do with her because she is screaming his/her name. I would make it so the narrator is trying to protect the innocence of his/her sister by lying. It would make it seem like the narrator is a little bit less clueless. Other then that there is nothing really wrong.
Another thing:
This is just commenting on the fact that it seems like something is missing. You say the sister is turned to face the room, and would that turn her away from Ria? How can her eyes meet Ria's if she is facing the other way? What I would recommend is to just add in somewhere that she turns back around. The transition may seem really quick, so I would make it that Tyler refuses to turn and keeps her eyes locked with Ria's. Or make her turn and get a little bit of the setting in there. It works both ways.
Now your story certainly rocks, and I would love to read more. It certainly was a pleasure. I hope to see more of this particular story. You have gotten yourself a fan.
~Incognito
Dun dun dunnnnn!
So! Questions that I would like to see answered in your up-and-coming stories (which you'll totally write because you're awesome like that):
Who is he?
How do they know him?
Why is Ria pretending that Ty doesn't feel anything (when obviously she knows better?)
How old is Ria?
Why is it Ria's fault?
So yeah! Interesting beginning. Continue on!