The Girl

Fruit4you here for a review.

Okay I kind of can't get over how you structured your poem. That needs to be fixed. Also the flow is off. There really isn't a rhythm to your poem. I don't mean to sound harsh, but structure and rhythm are essential to a good poem. They are dire skills. One cannot survive without them. Rephrase some lines. Figure out how to get them to flow, and separate your poem into stanzas. Other than that I like the thought and feeling the poem has to offer, and your diction is good.

"This shimmer is so tiny that it still gives the shadow space to breathe"

That was my favorite line.

Keep Writing, Fruit4you

Hey! You reviewed a poem of mine, so I thought I'd better check out some of yours!

First of all I love all the words that you chose... Might be a strange thing to say but, I appreciate someone who choses the most beautiful words. If this girl who thinks you let her go could read this then yeah, she'd swoon.

The way you wrote this made me picture the whole thing inside my mind. I understand in the end that you leave some of the darkness behind, and you're okay. But still you know this darkness from the loss of this girl will always be a part of you, and you are also saying that future losses will add to that emptiness. Truth is this emptiness is a part of all of us, and to be honest there isn't much to a heart that has never been blue. Having this emptiness just makes you human. You felt something, and judging by this poem you felt alot. I feel like you were honest in you poem, but also vulnerable. You're really letting the reader into your head and heart, and this creates some kind of common thread between writer and reader, which is genius.

The only thing I would like to point out to you is that some of the lines are a bit long, they could've continued in the next line, also to get some kind of pause.

What I really liked was that at the end, emptiness, is standing in a line by itself. That was really clever! I hope you write some more stuff soon!

Hey Philip,

So, I haven't been on this site for a while, true story, I hate to admit. But I went on and saw you were following me, which was honestly pretty cool, so I decided to review your poem. If that was your intention, then I have to say you're pretty clever. So good job. XD

Some people might say this poem is "adorable" because it talks about love "and all". But I think it has a deeper meaning—that makes it also easy to relate to—within the specific what-if phrases that suggest an alternative to the experience that the narrator had underwent. In agonizing over the loss of The Girl, broader life questions are brought to the guy telling the story. The fact that you don't give The Girl a name shows the reader that it's the smallest people, the least important instances—it's them walking away from you that makes you realize how fickle life is. How, if you did something different in even the smallest situations when they felt big, then things might be different. What if he never pushed her away? What if he could bring her back to him? Would everything be different?

I'm gonna be totally honest with you; I have no idea how to bold or quote in reviews. I know, I'm stupid. I'm just gonna do my best. I think punctuation is the real thing that gets me in this poem. I know that there are no rules in poetry, and you can basically do anything you want, but I think just tweaking a few little things would make it a lot more dynamic. In the first sentence, for example, instead of, "I call out to her but the street noise drowns out my voice", you could try, "I call out to her, but the street noise drowns out my voice." Like, as if you're saying, this is the start of my poem! Instead of this is the start of my poem... I don't know how to explain it. Haha.

Especially since the second line is so good. You have beautiful word usage, by the way.

And then you could do, "That moment made me ponder:

What if we were standing in a meadow, with no street noises to drown out my voice?"

That meadow line is my favorite. It just kills me.

And then we come to, "What if...This haunts me for the rest of my days?" This is pretty much the most important realization of the narrator in the poem from what I understand. The ellipsis after the "What if" kind of leads up to when the narrator comes to that ultimate realization. That line, in my mind, begins the rest of the poem. I'm not sure if you capitalized the T in This for emphasis. But I almost think it would be better if you bolded "this haunts me for the rest of my days?" Because it's so powerful. I know, it's crazy. Bolding is just ridiculous. XD

"Not knowing what if". That's so perfect.

The next line messes with me. "This haunting follows me like a shadow but this shadow never disappears it will burden me for the rest of my short lived life." It's like trying to read one big line of letters with no spaces. But that's okay. First off, I kind of understand why you'd want to keep it that way. Because it kind of conveys the emotions the narrator is feeling; the emotions are that of a run-on sentence, no pauses, no breath, urgency, fear, confusion. If that's what you were going for, then awesome: don't change a thing.

The next line is great; it gives the reader insight not only to the questions that burden the narrator, but the helplessness and depression that they create (it sort of also leaves me wondering, is this gonna lead to suicide? I don't know if that's the feeling you wanted to create, but it was effective in further developing the vibe of the poem).

"But wait there is hope, a shimmer of light". That's the major turning point, and I think you kind of rush through it. Maybe change it to, "but wait—there is hope, a shimmer of light." Maybe bold the "wait". I don't know. I'm really into this bolding thing. Then you have,"this shimmer is so tiny that it still gives the shadow space to breathe". You could change it to, "A shimmer so tiny, it still gives the shadow space to breathe" since it does reference the line before it. I think it would just make the poem so much...flowier.

You could definitely separate the next part into two lines to make it stronger:

"Darkness comes.

The only shadow I see from the the street lamp is my own"

You could add some kind of punctuation between "passed" and "it" in the next line, but otherwise it's wonderful.

Then the last two lines. Finally. They are absolutely magnificent. I could gush over them forever. I agree with @Gravity that they are something of a mix between a cliffhanger and a dramatic finish. I don't know what else to say they're so great. See that? You left me speechless. XD except not really because I just left you a review so long you probably hate me. That's what you get for following me.

*follows back*

-Savvy

Heya! Gravity here to do a review.
I have to admit. I was drawn to this piece because I, too, wrote something titled "The Girl". But mine was a short story. And much different.

Anyhow!

I wanted to say that you have some minor grammar and spelling errors, if I catch them as I go along, I will mention them. But I think you would really benefit from proofreading this piece and fixing all those little errors. They might not seem like much, but they do take away from the overall ambiance of your poem.

She walks away not knowing that my voice desperately tried to reach her instead she thinks I let her go.

This haunts me for the rest of my life?

for the rest of my life

But wait there is hope, a shimmer of light,

Darkness comes the only shadow I see from the street lamp is my own

The haunting has passed it rests in the back of my mind

That moment made me ponder

This shimmer is so tiny that it gives the shadow no space to breath

The haunting has passed it rests in the back of my mind

Dormant until another loss will awaken it and add to the

Emptiness

I liked it. I haven't seen/read a love story like this since i first saw the notebook lol.
Its been written beautifully and connects on a personally level to the reader. i hope to see more work from you soon.

Good clean writing. Liked it. Was able to connect. I kind of write about the same thing. I think'no space to''breathe'' ' is better.