A love like God's

by petermichaelmackey

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

And yes, the weed was laced with meth, and when we found out my mother even stopped looking at me. She was pacing back and forth in the kitchen talking in a scared way with someone, I think my Grandpa, who was my mom’s only hope and my mom hadn’t been speaking to me but then she wouldn’t even look at me when she found out I was high on meth and that I thought she wanted to kill me all my life and I thought about

What it would be like to be a rich kid whose parents stand along the sidewalk.

strung there by love and admiration.

awaiting their kid’s crossing the road, concerned they’ll get hit by a car.

or get really sick.

or lose their hope.

or meet someone dangerous.

And I wondered and wondered about what it would be like to be a rich kid who knows a love like God’s

Comments

[ Follow ]

Points: 317314
Reviews: 4431

Donate

Tue Apr 30, 2024 9:27 pm

kaitlyn wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

And yes, the weed was laced with meth, and when we found out my mother even stopped looking at me. She was pacing back and forth in the kitchen talking in a scared way with someone, I think my Grandpa, who was my mom’s only hope and my mom hadn’t been speaking to me but then she wouldn’t even look at me when she found out I was high on meth and that I thought she wanted to kill me all my life and I thought about

What it would be like to be a rich kid whose parents stand along the sidewalk.

strung there by love and admiration.

awaiting their kid’s crossing the road, concerned they’ll get hit by a car.

or get really sick.

or lose their hope.

or meet someone dangerous.

And I wondered and wondered about what it would be like to be a rich kid who knows a love like God’s

Well this is quite an intriguing piece that we've got on our hands here. Its rather short but it is packed with some quite serious power right there really bringing across a very powerful image there in such a short pace. I especially like those last few lines for the way they hit home there.

It really goes to show quite how neglected our protagonist here happens to be and also captures the essence of just how bad home really was for them, with so many basic things simply not getting the priority they deserved and just generally treating this person quite badly. We even see what appears to be straight up just harassment taking place there too which certainly really adds to the power that this particular piece commands here. It really works well with that plea for love.

Overall I think you've done a wonderful job here bringing this person's pain and anguish to life and showcasing exactly bad their situation is for them to be in this spot only just able to wish for something better to exist with.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

[ Follow ]

Points: 10793
Reviews: 669

Donate

Tue Apr 30, 2024 9:26 pm

Messenger wrote a review...

Hi there. Welcome to YWS! Let's take a look at what you've got here

And yes, the weed was laced with meth, and when we found out my mother even stopped looking at me.

You need a comma after "found out".

She was pacing back and forth in the kitchen talking in a scared way with someone, I think my Grandpa, who was my mom’s only hope and my mom hadn’t been speaking to me but then she wouldn’t even look at me when she found out I was high on meth and that I thought she wanted to kill me all my life and I thought about

This is all a bit rambly and turns into a run-on sentence. A few easy ways to fix this would be to end the first sentence after "hope", and after "high on meth". I would also recommend putting a colon before you go into your poetical prose because right now it's missing some necessary punctuation

What it would be like to be a rich kid whose parents stand along the sidewalk.

strung there by love and admiration.

awaiting their kid’s crossing the road, concerned they’ll get hit by a car.

"kid's" should either kid or kids.

or get really sick.

or lose their hope.

or meet someone dangerous.

This obviously is not the trait of only rich people, but it is understandable why a poor child would see this as being a causation even if it's not.

And I wondered and wondered about what it would be like to be a rich kid who knows a love like God’s

You need a period or question mark at the end of this line. I love this line though.

There's a lot of pain in this story, and I think it's a very good portrayal of how a lot of children and teens feel. There are a lot of people in dangerous households and it's important to be aware of that.
I think this also shows that in whatever situation we are we often see the other side as being the perfect antithesis, even if that is an incorrect assumption.
I do wonder if this piece would benefit by putting it all in a poetical format. Line-by-line as opposed to the jump in the middle. I say this because it's such a short piece that I think it might flow better AND look better on a page. Since there's no rhyming you wouldn't even have to worry about that.
You succinctly convey a lot of circumstances, exposing the dynamics of the MC's mother and grandfather in just a few smart lines, and show that this goes beyond this one situation and perhaps dates back to the entire childhood. I thought that was well done.

Hope this helps,
~Messy

[ Follow ]

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate

Thu Apr 11, 2024 5:03 am

kirtideep says...

Nice work.

[ Follow ]

Points: 813
Reviews: 57

Donate

Thu Apr 11, 2024 4:56 am

KaavyaK says...

Nice poem written by the author.
I also used to wonder about being a rich kid.
Keep sharing more and more poems, stories, etc. with us.
Waiting for more.
Thank you.

Young Writers Society

A love like God's

Comments

About the Author

Share This

Related Items

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources