z

Young Writers Society



Cereal

by penny


I have no idea what this is. It's just a paragraph. I tried to turn it into a poem at one point, but it just didn't work.

So have you figured it out yet? Cause I haven't... it being the reason I always feel like spilling my guts to you. Why I want to hand you my life on a platter and feed it to you with a fork.Why I feel the urge to e-mail you to say things like I'm eating fruity pebbles, dry, with a plastic spoon and then to tell you that it’s the way I've been eating them since I knew fruity pebbles existed, because I don't put milk on my cereal. I haven’t figured out why I tell you everything without conviction and my stories are never evanescent. I pull the same words out of my mouth, like taffy, in five different orders until I see you put the answer I want in my hand like a lucky penny you suddenly found on the floor. The problem is, you never find lucky pennies, you find buffalo nickels. You find answers worded in ways that I’d never even think of searching for. I haven’t figured out how you do it. I haven’t figured out why I love the way you walk. I haven’t figured out why when I try and picture you in my head, I can never see your face. I picture you talking to me, but it’s always with your hands. You always find your way around things. Instead of telling me I’m beautiful, you tell me I’m attractive. Instead of laughing, you smile and instead of telling me you love me, you send me e-mails in the middle of the night that say things like “I’m eating rice krispies, dry, with a plastic spoon, because I don’t put milk on my cereal either.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 5588
Reviews: 94

Donate
Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:20 pm
View Likes
Eliza:) wrote a review...



Why I want to hand you my life on a platter and feed it to you with a fork.

This sentence doesn't have a subject.

Why I feel the urge to e-mail you to say things like I'm eating fruity pebbles, dry, with a plastic spoon and then to tell you that it’s the way I've been eating them since I knew fruity pebbles existed, because I don't put milk on my cereal.

This sentence is too long.

I haven’t figured out why I love the way you walk. I haven’t figured out why when I try and picture you in my head, I can never see your face. I picture you talking to me, but it’s always with your hands.

Try to vary the beginnings of the sentences.

It was definitely a interesting story. The only problem with it is that it is kind of hard to understand some parts. Other than that, it was fine.




User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 47

Donate
Thu Mar 12, 2009 11:43 am
View Likes
Katemabob wrote a review...



Yay! Finally another person who does not put milk on their cereal!
Review: This is a nice and interesting paragraph. You should really try turning it into a poem, like you say in the description. It is interesting how you think! Um... I would recommend putting some indents and turning this into different paragraphs... but it is okey . So yeah. I liked it! Good job.




User avatar
594 Reviews


Points: 6831
Reviews: 594

Donate
Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:38 am
View Likes
Crysi says...



Same here! That's really cute! :D




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:19 am
View Likes
Elelel says...



I like this! It began a little awkwadly, but it really began to flow about half way through, and the ending made smile! :D





If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky