Dead and desolate,
Cold and barren.
This is what the world
Has become in my eyes.
.
How can something so broken
Be something so beautiful?
So vivid and enticing
That you can't look away?
.
So painful and real
That your eyes don’t stray.
This is now
The world in my eyes
.
The darkness engulfs it
As they merge to one.
My dreams and my sorrows,
My soul has become.
.
This isn't how I want it.
This isn’t how it should be.
I turn to the light;
I turn away from the world.
.
I turn away from the vacant path
And wearily move up the stairs.
I stop at the door
To listen and stare.
.
I hear them already.
The people in warm sweaters,
The people talking to one another,
The people with someone to care.
.
I see the light,
I feel the warmth,
I smell the food,
As inward I peer.
.
When I open the door
Their words become clear.
The warmth is prominent,
The light promising.
.
Now I see...
Now I know...
Their joy comes from each other.
Their joy came when they chose.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
interesting ending...
this reminded me of something perhaps The Little Match Girl (children's story by Hans Christian Andersen) would have written from her perspective.
If you don't know who that is or the story, then that meant absolutely nothing XD
Continue to work on more imagery, description, and less straight-forward, telling stanzas.
You have some pretty good lines in here. Nice work.
Maybe I wasn't reading carefully, but I must say I got a little lost when you transitioned from the description of this bleak world to people in sweaters and something about staircases. It was just a little jumbled around there:)
I like that your poetry has a theme. Every author/poet is known for their style, voice, or theme, and you definitely have the moralistic theme going on in each of your writings.
Good work friend
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
Yea, you read LMG to me in like third grade. I didn't know it was by HCA, though. Sorry, being lazy b/c I don't feel good. Thanks for the review.
Hey there *trumpets sounding* I've come to review!
So first I would like to say that I love this poem in the way it sounds. Its really nice, but I have a few things:
This last line doesn't quite go with the beat, it has a syllable or two too many. And, by someone to care do you mean someone to care for or someone who cares about them?
I wouldn't put the dot dot dots at the end because the lines are separated so the reader is giving it enough pause already.
This last line was awesome in rhyme, but I am confused as to what they chose. Did they choose each other or a different lifestyle?
Over all, the poem was good, but I feel like a few of the lines could mean different things (which is wonderful in poems anyways). My final leaving word of practice is that you shouldn't capitalize every line. Capitalization stays the same as if it was written as a paragraph.
Wonderfully done- Happy Writing!
Thanks for the tips!
What I meant was that they had someone to care for them, but I do like it when people take it in a way that's more impactful for them.
I will take those ...'s out because that is very true.
And they chose joy/light over darkness/pain.
Personally, I've been told to capitalize every line, but one good thing about poetry is that it could be either way. I think that is something I'll continue to do, capitalize every line. Thanks again!
My pleasure:)
Hello, darling! Here to review, of course.
To begin with, your imagery in this poem is not strong at all. Imagery is what brings the main tone and mood of the poem to the forefront, so you can imagine it's kinda important -- you have to pay attention to your diction, your syntax, and everything in between. It's extremely important if you want to show vividness, life, or shadows and death, as in this stanza:
Instead of showing us anything, you just tell us that the world is broken, beautiful, vivid and enticing. Give us examples, give us the sigh of the breeze over harvest grass and the turquoise glimmer of sunlight off rolling seas, give us something to latch onto that's not just boring old words. "Vivid and enticing" does absolutely nothing, emotionally, whereas an image will get a reader actually involved in a poem, rather than from an outside view looking in.
Another thing I've noticed is that you have consistent 4-line stanzas, but no consistent flow, meter, rhyme, or anything like that. Now, free-verse poetry is awesome and all, but you have to have reasons for why it's free verse and you at least have to make it flow. Without flow, it's just a random amalgam of words that really mean nothing when they're put down on the page, and it ends up being more of a half-effort speech than a poem. Poetry is fluid; it's a form of expression because of its fluidity, and you need to take advantage of that.
Also, as far as your mood goes, it's honestly wrecked by the end of the poem. We see nothing of this mood change except that your narrator suddenly goes from "life is horrible" to "I see why they're happy yay". It feels like you just wanted to write this poem as a concept, you didn't actually want to write the poem as a lyrical piece or anything to convey a certain emotion. You just wanted to convey the message -- and message works hardly ever have the right impact on their audience.
I would definitely suggest looking back through this to make sure that you treat this poem like a poem and not a vessel for whatever message you're trying to get across. Ask yourself why you're really writing this -- and really examine your word choice and your flow. Keep writing!
Well... the thing is, I write plainly what I feel. I see the problems in that, especially with flow and rhythm. Those aren't my priority when I write, but I come to realize it can be both. My goal in writing is to get down how I feel, and share it with others to see how/if they relate.
Thanks for the review!
I'm much like that when I write, myself, to be honest -- the key to that is to edit afterwards and fit your emotions and the way you see things into the poetry with the images. Editing is definitely your best friend!
Thanks for the advice
Wow! This was so - enticing and descriptive and incredibly well written!
I love how you described the "World in your eyes". (not to sound cliché or anything!) That's another thing. Sometimes a writer can over use repeating sentences or phrases. in your case, however, you pulled it off beautifully. The flow of the poem works out just right and in my eyes has no further use of any more nit-picks.
*Hits 'like' button*
My favorite part "How can something so broken /Be something so beautiful?/So vivid and enticing /That you can't look away?/So painful and real /That your eyes don’t stray. /This is now /The world in my eyes"
~RagingLive