Young men
Lurk in the dark,
Hide in the alleyways,
Go somewhere lonely
In a dark and dank world
To do something horrid,
Something frowned upon by others.
When they're found,
The seekers shrug and say,
"Boys will be boys,"
And then they walk away.
.
Young women
Sit in their room,
Changing their bodies,
Changing their face.
In a dark and dank world
They try to be perfect,
Doing all they can
To be pretty.
When they're found,
The seekers shrug and say,
"Girls will be girls,"
And then they walk away.
.
All humans
Walk through life
Falling into the ways
Of the dark and dank world.
Unfaithful Hypocrites
Are what they're called.
But I am one of them,
And when they're found
I shrug and say,
"People will be people,"
And then I walk away.
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139,348 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Ahhh damn this is good. Heh I'm wondering why isn't the title "Unfaithful Hypocrites" instead?
Nonetheless this is pretty spot on. Could you explain to me why's the title 'Taking Life'? Also.....the part where the boys do "horrid things".....could you elaborate on that?
Ahhh damn this is good. Heh I'm wondering why isn't the title "Unfaithful Hypocrites" instead?
Nonetheless this is pretty spot on. Could you explain to me why's the title 'Taking Life'? Also.....the part where the boys do "horrid things".....could you elaborate on that?
That would've been a really good title XD
)
I chose taking life because the things they men and women would be doing could suck the emotional life out of them and sometimes physical. Especially the pressure and society's response could cause them the emotional 'death' or drain. And when I thought of it, it just felt right.
If you read my comment on @pheonix's review, you will see what the men were doing. I'm going to have to find a way to expand on that, but then I'm also going to have to change the whole poem (not that that's a bad thing, it may just take a while
I really like this... the last stanza is so powerful
The only complaint I have is the word "dank"- it seems kind of... abrupt, sudden... blunt for this poem, it doesn't really fit. So yeah.
I love the flow of the poem, too... yay. This is really good.
I really like how the first two stanzas can mean almost anything.
When you talk about the boys in the alleys doing something horrid, my mind didn't know where to go. They could have been doing anything, drugs, fighting, things worse than what people would like to realize happen a lot, like rape. Then it they're doing something frowned upon my others, and then my mind has no idea what to go to!
"Boys will be boys" is such a harmful thing to society, as well as "Girls will be Girls".
I really want to know what these boys are supposedly doing that is wrong, but then gets shrugged off. (Maybe that's something you can expand on.)
That's a real life thing that happens, males do things that we know are wrong, but we haven't fought it enough to make it not be as horrible as it is.
Then, with the girls changing themselves, trying to be what society says is right, this happens way to much, the pressure on young women is unbearable. You could expand on what these girls think of themselves because the influence from the media.
The last part isn't something a lot of people could admit to. From how I read it it sounded like you were admitting to being a hypocrite. Knowing these bad things are happening, but not really trying to change it. That would be a good place to expand on why you think that way.
I really enjoy the strength in this poem. I may have read it all wrong, but the way I see it is very powerful!
Keep up the good work!
- Phoenix
You totally understood correctly. It was purposefully vague and mysterious, but I see where you would get confused. I was thinking drugs for the part about men, but anything you said would work. Since this poem was written with each line of the stanza being the same amount of syllables of that line in the previous stanza, it would be really hard to revise, but it's possible.
Thanks for the review!!!!
I would like to write a review, but there isn't anything to fix.
Best poem I have ever read-period! great job!
Thank you! I really appreciate it!
Hello,
You did a very good job. the poetry is really intense like dec12 said. and you've mentioned true things which we all are going through. the subject you've written about is really the hard truth.
Now, let me talk about your poetry structure. you did good job with punctuations. and, i really like the way you repeated some lines. like,
"In a dark and dank world"
and,
"When they're found,
The seekers shrug and say,
"Girls/ Boys will be girls/ boys,"
And then they walk away."
Really good work. Keep writing more. I don't think I have any suggestions for you.
Thank you! Have a nice day.
Thank you so much! It means so much to me
No worries!
Pretty intense but true awesome job
Thanks! It was meant to be intense