I wait everyday
For him to come back.
The weight of his absence
Is like a hundred pound sack.
.
Heartbreak is a pain,
A tearjerker that tears.
It hurts you to your core.
It's makes everything feel unfair.
.
I'm not sure if I like him
Or if I just miss him
I know I feel numb
As if my body's an empty bin.
.
He left for a long time
And took part of me with.
I can't get it back.
This hurt isn't a myth.
.
I hear his name,
I imagine is face.
I read old emails.
He barely left a trace.
.
How do I give up hope?
Why did you stop believing?
Do I not want to give up on him?
How do I stop this dreaming?
.
It's not like he feels it, too.
If he does he'd be here.
He left us alone,
And he obviously doesn't care.
.
Or maybe he does.
All I know is he loves someone else,
And I probably don't love him.
I'll know when he reveals himself.
.
I just need closure.
Enough to accept he's gone.
But I can wait more.
I've made it this long.
.
I don't know what I'm doing
Or how I'm going to make it.
But I guess I have to trust God
For He knows what's best fit.
.
Heartbreak is like a leaf
That fell from its tree.
A part of the tree is gone,
Yet the leaf is now free.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
duuuuuude I didn't know you were posting poems on YWS! Excuse my ignorance, my dear!
A tearjerker that tears.--replace tears with something else? rips, perhaps?
I love the last stanza- beautiful, and it hit me in the heart.
My only other piece of advice is that you don't always have to rhyme- as in, don't let the fact that you're trying to rhyme take away from the meaning and structure of the words of the poem... if that makes sense.
I also admire that you've uploaded this in the first place. This is very personal, and you've chosen to put it out there. The poems I write ma-shelf are extremely personal to me and I don't know if I'd ever have the guts to put them out on the internet. You're so cool.
so yeah. keep writing poems.
Yea. I'm gonna make a revised version of this poem with the suggestions in previous reviews that probably wont rhyme. We'll see what happens. Thanks for your support. You should upload the one about your mom when your dad leaves. I think people would like your work.
I'd rather keep that one private...
I LOVE IT! I love this poem with all of my decaying heart <3 This poem is obviously the poem where heartbroken and broken teenagers should read! I mostly love the metaphor and the imagery! This is really the best poem I've read so far. Or is it just because I just got heartbroken?! I don't know xD But all I can really say, is wow! i'm really overwhelmed! Good job! Like really! I can't stop reading it over and over again!
Awww! Thank you so very much! I'm very glad you could relate to this, and I'm so extremely honored that you love it so much. It means so much to me. I'm going to keep this review forever on a word document. You gave me feels with your comment, so thank you XD
aww, Pendr! I remember this. Reviewing this is so different knowing where this poem comes from personally.
Let me start off by saying you're grasping a good sense of imagery in your poetry (but you can always do more!). You can tell you really love it and find a release in writing it.
It's deep and very exposing of your soul, which no one can fault you for. Very nice.
One thing I'd tweak a bit is your exchange between using lovely, poetic words, and more common, typical phrases. When you read this, you can feel the struggle you had while writing this as far as deciding if you should take a "classical" route, or modern.
For instance,
"myth, yet, trace, absence, core, reveals, for He knows"-- in this poem, I would consider these more poetic words/phrases.
but then you have lines like,
"I read old emails" and "I'm not sure if I like him"
Altogether, they aren't always compatible. The reader has a hard time trying to find a true voice in the piece as they wrestle between 'flowy' and 'everyday' language. Keep this in mind.
Great poem, though. Writing is always a great way of soothing emotions.
Keep it up. (I need a new catchphrase)
~iron.n
I see where you're coming from and what you mean. I would love for my poems to be more classical (like yours XD), but when I'm wanting it to rhyme, that's not always easy. Probably because this was a poem about a personal thing and I just wanted it to be true to what it was. I will consider making it more "flowy" on the revised version I will make using the suggestions from Panda11's review. Thanks!
I'm going to go through the whole thing and point out little things that i think would be better, cause i am not that good at grammar and i have a fever so my brain is messed up.
It hurts you to your core.
It's makes everything feel unfair-(unreal? It makes it a little more riddle'ish i guess....)
.
I know I feel numb
As if my body's an empty bin.(i don't think bin is quite right....)
.
It's not like he feels it, too.
If he does he'd be here.
He left us alone,
And he obviously doesn't care. (He obviously can't care.... maybe???)
.
I don't know what I'm doing
Or how I'm going to make it.
But I guess I have to trust God
For He knows what's best fit. (no fit... i think best is good... and just by the way, god is awesome)
.
Heartbreak is like a leaf
That fell from its tree.
A part of the tree is gone,
Yet the leaf is now free. (I just have to leave this part...... its so true..... oh my gosh...)
Thanks for all the suggestions
Some of my wording is a little strange because i wanted this poem to rhyme. If I hadn't, I probably would have used different wording. I will make a revised copy on my own of your suggestions, though, for sure.
God IS awesome, and thank you for your comment on my last stanza XD. The last stanza is one of the main reasons I love this poem more than some others I've written. Thanks again!