16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Alpha-819: Chapter 1 of 19- Escape

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter I: Escape

   In the middle of the grassy open field lay a facility. This facility was the most well known of all the scientific sectors on the planet. While it was the most well known, few ever knew of its location. It was isolated in the furthest outskirts of the planet. Laying in total silence as the world around it shook and croaked. Out in the distance beyond the facility, you could see many clouds making their way up into the sky. The green sky soon transformed into that of tangerine as the gases mixed with the air.

   Within the fences of this facility was a large ship. One of the newest of its kind. These new AR-K ships are known for recycling old materials so less waste could be produced. This was a ship preparing for a long journey towards the capital. A magnificent vessel, known by its crew as the Celeste.

   A group of officials came out from the main facility. Escorting them were several armed guards. In the center of the group of officials was a very prominent man. His hair was near perfection and the color of beige. The wrinkles in his face made him appear intellectual and look like a man venerated by the people. This man was known as Herbert Marvin.

   Suddenly, sirens echoed from the facility as a group of ten individuals rushed in through the fence. The soldiers stopped in their tracks and pointing their assault weapons at them. The group was warned that if any of them made any sudden movements, they soldiers wouldn’t hesitate to execute them where they stood. The oldest of the group, a seventy three year old man, yanked out his pistol and shot at them thrice. The trifecta of shots all nailed their target, the chest of Herbert.

   What could have possibly happened to cause this bloodshed. Well some of you may know if you come across this, but some may not. In the year 2801, using the old earth calendar, mankind was able to colonize another star system after all countries joined under the title of “The Alliance”. Our species discovered several other races who were with us in the universe such as the Bedrohungs and the Vegrandis.

   Then in the year 3421, now known as year 0 on the galactic calendar, the Alliance made a pact with several other species not to attack one another. In agreeing this pact, we had to agree on a set of predetermined naming. What I mean by this is that, every city, planet, moon, star base, etc. had to be named with a code word followed by a set of three random numbers. Our home world of Earth was officially named Tritan-149.

   However, these following events do not revolve around Tritan. It revolves around one of its colonies and my home planet. It is known as Genesis-004. This planet was colonized back in 3062, originally known as Campestribus. Currently it is the year 435. Not too long ago, we had a recent election for Chairman. There were two candidates, Camille Orlando and Herbert Marvin. In the election, Camille won 54% of the population votes. This is where the story gets kind of foggy.

   After a month of silence, Camille was called up to give a speech in front of the people. Just as she was about to do that, a man named Carlos Giordano shot her in the back of the head, killing her. The colonial military immediately took action and killed Carlos. When Herbert was made the chairman, people began to start uprising. As a result, the military has decided to abandon the planet, taking as many high ranking officials as they could, and leave it to be destroyed. They would destroy it be activating nuclear warheads that were beneath the surface which were originally intended to blow up the planet in case of invasion.

   This old man that shot out was the leader of the group. A captain of the marines back in his heyday, he retired and went out to live a simple life. However, he missed the rush of battle and commanding a group, but there was nothing he could do about it. When the events mentioned prior occured, he took the opportunity and led a small group against the government of which I was a member of. His name was Clark Andrews.

   As soon as Herbert was shot, he stumbled back and fell to the ground. That’s when the soldiers started firing upon us. Four of us including myself remained vigilant and fired upon them. The other three were military sergeants. We had Anderson Gates, a sergeant of the marines as well as a careful and calculating individual. Another was Jamie Cole, a sergeant of the air force and one of the strongest in our group. She has developed a loving relationship with Anderson. Finally there is Jason Tros, a sergeant of the army. He never seemed to have received as good a training as the other two for he was always being immature, but he was a great shot.

   In the midst of the fire fight, Jason was brought to his knees by two shots at him; one lodged beneath the right clavicle and the other next to the left femur. I helped him get behind a vehicle that had been abandoned in the field so he could be with the rest of the group. Our doctor came up to him and said to him, “Jeez, you can’t go one fight without getting injured Jason.” Jason looked like he was about to have some comeback, but she cut him off, “Save it for another time Jason, just let me heal this up quickly.”

   Our doctor was one of the nicest people you could ever know. She graduated third in her class out of medical school. I have known her the longest out of the rest of the group. I loved her and she loved me. Her name was Tracie Drester.

   While Jason lay there, he turned his head towards a female who was sitting right next to him. On her other side was another man who looked very similar to her. He looked up to her and said, “Can you believe this Angie. Not five minutes after this battle starts and I’m already down. Now if it was you out there who was in danger., I would run out there and easily shoot the living shit out of them.” “Enough of the worship Jason,” stated the man sitting next to her, “This is a serious situation we are in, do not and I repeat do NOT go joking around right now.”

   These two were our twin scientists, Robert and Angie Hall. Both of them have been known to contribute a lot to the world of chemistry. Robert has managed to discover a handful of new elements while Angie’s work has led to the successful treatments of several different types of cancer. Jason has been trying to impress Angie for a long time now, but every time she usually just dismisses what he does.

   As I continued to fire at the soldiers, I heard a voice say, “Mom, are we going to get out of here?” I turned and saw the young boy talking to his mother. She was also firing upon our enemies. She answered, “We will honey, We will all make it out, I promise.”

   This woman was Lindsay Burr and the young boy was her son Erin. Lindsay was a member of the marines and fought alongside her future husband, Daniel Burr. She retired from them so she could give birth to Erin. When Erin was around the age of five, Daniel suddenly fell into a deep depression. While we tried to make him happy, he ultimately shot himself at the top of our capitol building before falling to the ground below.

   Finally there was me. I am John Stewart the weapons specialist of the group. I can identify, build, and fix most weapons. I have been in this job for twenty one years and I know the ins and outs of it all. I made Erin my apprentice after his father’s death. I basically look after him as a secondary father figure.

   I looked at our group and asked Clark, “What’s the plan now.” “We are going to perform a flanking maneuver,” stated Clark as gunshots continued to echo over his voice, “A couple of us will head left towards the structure trying to attract their attention. Then while we attract their attention, another bit of us needs to go from behind and open the ship for us. We are going to require Erin for this.” “Why me,” asked Erin. “It’s due to the fact that you are quick on your feet and easier at maneuvering. Don’t worry either, we’ll have John here back you up as he has the code.”

   As soon as Clark finished Lindsay came up to Erin and gave him a hug. Erin told his mother, “Be safe mom.” “Same to you.” With that Lindsay got up and headed towards the building. When she got there she threw a grenade at the soldiers, attracting their attention and causing a couple to lose a few limbs.

   Erin and I ran from the other side approaching the ship. The soldiers were too preoccupied to notice us. As came up to the ship, I flicked a switch. A ladder extend out of the ship and lowered itself to the ground. I looked at Erin and said, “The panel to open the shuttle should be at the top. The password should be 5:32-10:1.”

   As he climbed the ladder, I kept an eye on the battle before my eyes. My group continued to get the best of the enemy; however, there was a significant amount more of them than there was of us. Then from above, I could hear the sound of a panel opening. I jumped onto the ladder, climbing my way to the top and entering the ship. I yanked my radio up and called down to the rest of the squad. “Success team. Mission: Un-Ass. I repeat, Un-Ass!”*

   I watched as the squad slowly crept over to the ship. Jamie was the first to enter the ship. At this point some of the enemy realized what we were doing and tried to shoot at those climbing the ladder. I fired back upon them as my group ascended towards the rest of us. I only had to pull back once from the firefight as a bullet grazed my cheek. As everyone was getting into a seat, I noticed one seat still empty.

   I looked back and understood why we weren’t getting fired upon too heavily. Lindsay was still out there firing upon the enemy. I yelled out to her, “Lindsay, let’s get going.” She responded, “In a moment!” Clark yelled out of the ship, “Lindsay, this is no time to practice your firing, get the hell on this ship.” “I must make sure that everyone of the fucks ends up dead. Just wait a couple minutes.” “We don’t have a ‘couple’ minutes,” responded Clark. Erin then said, “Mom please hurry.” Lindsay suddenly stopped firing. Realizing that she had to be with her son, she ran up and hopped on the ladder. I reached my hand out to her as she came closer and closer.

   Suddenly, five gunshots stopped her in her tracks. Lindsay stared back up at both of us with a glazed look in her eye. Blood began to seep out from unidentifiable wounds onto her shirt. She let go of the ladder and fell to the concrete platform below with a thwack. Erin hesitated before screaming out, “No!” I yelled into the cabin, “We have to go get her.” Clark, raging about the whole situation, yelled out, “Fuck it. We are going,” and I heard him push the activation button.

   I watched in horror as the main thrusters started, spewing liquid fire everywhere. I watched as the fire burned the corpse of Lindsay and all of the guards to a crisp. The blast of heat, shot Erin and I back into the shuttle. As Erin continued to cry, I shut and locked the hatch beside us, allowing the cabin to pressurize. I buckled Erin up before doing the same to myself. Clark yelled, “Now!” With that Jamie pulled a lever, detaching us from the tower. We were all immediately pushed back in our seats. The roar of the engine deafened every other noise that the ship made.

   After five minutes, the roar calmed down. “Detaching main thrusters,” said Jamie. I turned my head towards the window and looked out. The three white thrusters detached and swam graciously away; heading towards the planet below. The planet was dark and covered in various spots of glowing hell fire. I saw the area we took off from crumble away as the ground collapsed and fell into the core of the planet. We had escaped!

*Un-Ass – To move immediately or leave one's current position.

This is according to http://www.military.com/join-armed-forces/militar...

Comments & reviews · 2
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birk
Review
birk wrote a review · Thu Feb 04, 2016 3:49 pm

Hey davinci!

I recently stumbled upon one of your topics in the forums, and then I checked out what you had written so far, and I found that not only did you have this neat piece, but it also only had one review! And it's from last year!

Somebody definitely has to do something about that. ;)

And your work here is deserving of being read and reviewed. It's pretty solid writing.

First off, I'm really enjoying the way you're telling the story for this. It feels as part of a history lesson, and I'm already sort of interested in knowing more about this world and its long history.

In addition, I'm liking the mood that fills the scenes in the way you're telling them. It's all very business-like, which feels somewhat appropriate. As if we're just listening to this history lesson of what happened. However, to that extent, I felt that writing this in first person actually took a lot away from it.

Due to the way you wrote this, and the informative, almost history lesson-like way I described above, I didn't really get too connected with your narrator, or any of the characters as the action started happening. A little boy lost his mother, yet I didn't really care. Of course, I don't know these characters at all at this point, so maybe we're not meant to. To that end, I found myself very sure that either the kid or the mother would perish once they split up though. ;)

As soon as Herbert was shot, he stumbled back and fell to the ground. That’s when the soldiers started firing upon us.
So, I'm having difficulties picturing this firefight going on, or battle. I'm picturing them storming through the fence, and then them having a face off before the old man shoots Herbert. Then a firefight ensues, and I don't know how everybody isn't dropping immidiately. I would have added in some more details for this scene, so that we'll know more about what's in it. What there is to hide behind etc. You mention a vehicle, but that's pretty much it.

I guess I also didn't like the dialogue between Jason and the doc in the middle of the fight. It seemed unnatural. It's the middle of a close firefight.

Alright, aside from these things, I was fairly interested and liked what I was reading. I'd want to read more.

There are some other things I'll bring up below, in addition to some minor grammatical issues and punctuation I'd change up:

Edit
The soldiers stopped in their tracks and pointed their assault weapons at them.
Just a quick error. Simple fix. They all are.

Edit
The group was warned that if any of them made any sudden movements, the soldiers wouldn’t hesitate
Another one.

As a result, the military has decided to abandon the planet, taking as many high ranking officials as they could, and leave it to be destroyed. They would destroy it be activating nuclear warheads that were beneath the surface which were originally intended to blow up the planet in case of invasion.
Whoa. I mean, really? This seems like quite the overreaction. An uprising leads to the only viable option being to abandon the planet, leave all the people behind...and blow it up? Not really onboard with this one.

Edit
Finally there was me. I am John Stewart, the weapons specialist of the group.
Added a quick comma.

We are going to require Erin for this.” “Why me,” asked Erin.

This entire paragraph had some messy dialogue that bumped into each other. I'd also end this with "Why me?", with a question mark rather than a comma, as his part ends there.

“The panel to open the shuttle should be at the top. The password should be 5:32-10:1.”
How did he know this?

I watched in horror as the main thrusters started, spewing liquid fire everywhere. I watched as the fire burned the corpse of Lindsay and all of the guards to a crisp.
Wow, poor kid. This is very traumatizing.

*Un-Ass – To move immediately or leave one's current position.

While I liked that you included annotations, this one is just weird. If this is set so far into the future, I don't think it'd be necessary to include any reference to current military lingo, especially such a low brow one. In addition, I'd feel quite silly if I told my men to 'un-ass' themselves. I would probably accept 'de-butt' though. (I kid)

Alright, that's pretty much all I've got. Your writing is pretty good, and I've read your posts on your other writing ideas and I like how ambitious they are. I hope you stick with it. It'll be interesting to see what you do with it. As well as how your writing grows. Because it's fairly good right now, but it'll get a lot better. Especially if you utilize this site to the best of its ability. It's really a great place to learn and grow.

Hope to see more!

Keep it up, davinci!



Cheers,
Birkhoff

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MrAwesomeIan Review

Wow... This story is really good. And it's only the first chapter. I really like the futuristic environment that you described really vividly. There is a very well-balanced on conversation and action in the chapter. The beginning of this chapter also caught my attention and I am really looking forward to reading the next chapter! Keep It Up!!!

Glad you enjoy it. I pretty much have the whole story figured out now and I just need to perfect most of my rough draft chapters. However, both this and the second chapter I had to start from scratch so, the next chapter probably won't come out until the end of the month. Again glad you enjoy.



Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg