z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Provenance Ludus

by pdavinci


The Epic Xake

Era I: Vulgate

Story I

There was only darkness. Darkness was all he could see. In this empty obfuscous void there was nothing. Nothing lived here and nothing died here. There was only emptiness, an abyss. There were simulations though that could be activated, but the creator of this space always had an empty mind. Others would have enjoyed very different lifestyles, but this person had nothing. In their mind, they only existed. Anything could happen if he wished, but this person chose nothing and he was perfectly calm. However, this person wanted something, but he didn’t know what. His mind was spread out and unconnected. He tried to think, but all that stood around him was darkness.

Then he got an idea. All of a sudden, the murkiness turned to light. For all that could be seen was taken up with a heavenly white. The world around him changed and his mind came together. He could feel his senses coming back. His eyes fluttered open and he found himself in his room. Some sunlight had landed on his eyes. Another night gone, but the beginning of a new day.

Who is this man though? This person is Philips Clarke. He is an avid musician and student. Chemistry and music have long been two studies he favored. From a young age it was all he wanted to do. Now, he feels like he is missing something. He wants to do something even more creative that allows him to fully express himself other than just playing sheets of music.

Over the course of that first hour, Philips just laid in his bed staring at the ceiling. He exclaimed, “What was that dream! God, I can’t remember.” He kept getting antsy about it, but nothing was helping. The more he tried to remember, the more the idea ended up getting lost in his mind.

Overtime, Philips could feel his eyelids drooping. “I can’t fall asleep again, I must wake up.” He forced himself out of bed. His room was a mess. Papers were strewn across his desk and dirty clothes were gathered in a pile near the doorway. Philips trudged at a snail’s pace to the doorway and made his way downstairs.

The lower level of his home was very nice for a middle class family. There was an open kitchen next to the living room and a nice porch to sit out on whenever there is good weather. He made his way through these two rooms over to the bathroom. In his mind the best way to wake up is to take a nice hot bath and just nap in the tub for a little while. he turned on the hot water, undressed and descended into the scalding sauna. Within a few moments, he was asleep.

The void was no longer empty. Philips could see himself floating in this plane of existence. Looking up at the dome above him, he could see all the stars and planets. It is an endless paradise and hell that even manifest destiny could not conquer. Below Philips was another unexplored land: the ocean. The origin of all life with several shades of blue. Yet the bottom remains to be seen. It is a dark realm home to many undiscovered creatures.

Philips looked up and straight ahead. There was a sort of shining barrier separating the two. It could be the atmosphere of this world. It could be the sun. There are several possible explanations for this barrier. However, to Philips, it was another unexplored realm. The barrier represented the people that stood above the waters, yet below the heavens. But what made these creatures special that make them “unexplored”? It was their conscience. They were sentient beings, able to discover and invent new trinkets and ideas every single day. Yet even with all this technology and ideas, they still know little about the brain. The force that makes them different from all the other species and they still do not know what it is. Maybe if everyone truly looks into themselves and sees them what makes them human, maybe then we can answer the age old question: the meaning of life.

Philips opening his eyes with an awoken mind. Another hour had passed since he stepped into the bath. The tub was nearly full. He drained the tub, dried himself, and put on a clean set of clothes. He went into the kitchen and got a granny smith apple. While not his favorite fruit, which was the lemon, it still remained one that he would go to for a snack. He walked outside onto the porch and took a bite of the apple.

The calm and serene surroundings filled Philips with a sense of happiness. The woods that made up most of his backyard were nice and helped block out most of the sun. Today the porch was draped in shade. In the distance, Philips could see the makings of a garden. Usually this garden was fruitful in the harvest of a few plants, but most of them are never used. The biggest culprit of the bunch being corn. While Philips enjoyed being outside, he has trouble with the pollen. So for at that moment Philips just stayed on the porch and stared at the peaceful surroundings. With that another hour passed in silence.

As he was sitting here, a beam of light came through the trees and landed upon the Philips’s face. He recoiled almost instantly. His eyes were very sensitive to light. While he was nearsighted, Philips also had a rare condition known as Coloboma. This mutation causes the iris of one eye to never finish forming, causing one pupil to be abnormally larger. This abnormality only occurs once out of every ten thousand people. However, unlike most others, Philips could see better out of that eye than the normal one.

As Philips moved away from the sunlight, he began to think of a topic that always fascinated him, space. He prefered the night over the day as he could see all of the stars in the night sky. Ever since he was six years old, he was so intrigued by the infinite wonder that is the universe. He wondered whether or not there were others out there watching him. He wondered whether or not they faced the same struggles as us.

Philips once again fell into a state of unconsciousness though it was more of a daydream. He pictured planets and moons orbiting blue hydrogen burning stars. He pictured the formation of a planet and its life span. The sun it orbited eventually imploded into that of a black hole and once again, Philips was left again in the nihility.

Philips awoke suddenly, when he heard the tapping of his window. He looked at his phone and saw that once again, he was out for an hour. He turned around towards the living room and saw one of his cats, Daisy trying to reach out for a Cardinal which had landed on the pane. Daisy was a very young and explorative cat, known for being extremely hyper. While staring at his loving kitty struggle to understand the invisible shield that was the window, his mind moved to that of the Cardinal. The bird was not unique to the area, but the state he lived in has become well known for it. He loved seeing these beautiful velvet birds hop from tree to tree. A truly unique animal that was given life on our world.

However, the skies were not limited to them. Just like humans, birds come in many species, shapes, and sizes. While Philips loves to look at the more beautiful ones, he is terrified of them if one is indoors. Philips is more worried that his head will get mauled by one of these birds if he gets too close trying to lead it out of his home. Despite it being a negative thought, Philips was calm and relaxed. Only one thing would keep bugging him; what was in that dream? He sat there staring at the wonderful nature that all men should experience and just thought in silence.

After an hour passed, Philips went back inside, headed upstairs and sat at his laptop. He felt like he needed to do something, but his mind was blank. As Philips was staring into space, he felt a huge pound of force land on his lap. He looked down and saw the other one of his cats. This cat, named Woo weighed around twenty pounds and was extremely lazy. This cat was one of six kittens born by a mother cat, Philips’s family had taken in years back. While the other kittens and mom were given away to new families, sadly Woo remained the only surviving one.

Philips remembered from a fact he saw on television that house cats are similar to wild animals and if any bigger, they would eat their owners. Yet despite being wild, Woo would always eat, sleep, or just sit. Philips wondered what was in the mind of the cat. What does it think compared to us humans. How are our thoughts different from them. Philips continued to pet him as he sat there at his computer staring at a blank screen. He could hear purr of the cat grow faintly louder with each stroke. Eventually Woo jumped off his lap and left Philips once again to dwell on his thoughts. Everything in life must come and go.

Suddenly, the idea in his dream came back to him. With intent Philips opened up a new document and wrote. He passionately typed every word and idea that came to his mind. Philips was a conveyor belt of ideas. He pictured worlds similar to his own. He watched as history passed, wars were fought, and characters died because in his mind, nothing will ever last. He continued to write until another hour had passed just like that. On this seventh hour, Philips was tired. He slided over to his bed with minimal effort and collapsed. He let the the comfort of the bed devour him as he relaxed more and more.

In the distance, Philips heard the ring of the doorbell. He stood up and walked down the stairs. As Philips entered the ground floor, he looked around. His cats were nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t odd, but for some odd reason, Philips knew that the cats were not in the house. The windows were all covered in blinds. No light entered the home. As Philips approached the door, he once again heard the doorbell. He reached forward, grabbed the knob, and opened the door.

Outside, the world shined pearly white. The grass, trees, and animals no longer seemed to exist. Philips was alone. Yet even in this white void that surrounded his house, it was not empty. Up ahead from him was a table and two chairs. Curious, Philips headed down the steps towards the table. The table was wooden while both chairs were made out of leather. Atop the table was a board arranged with several squares, with black and white sets of pieces set up at opposite ends of the board. It was a chess game. Philips stuck out his hand and picked up the black king. It was smooth and ornate, made out of some kind of stone.

As Philips was examining the piece, he heard his front door slam behind him. Philips spun around and saw nothing. Not just no one, absolutely nothing, his home had vanished. Alien to this void, Philips feared what would happen to him. “What about my family, my friends, I cannot stay here.” As these ideas ran through his head, the voice in his head said, “Calm down Philips. Getting antsy about this won’t improve the situation. It may be a while before they come, but we shall wait.” With that, Philips took a deep breath and sat down in the leather chair.

Philips was all by his lonesome for the longest time. It was unknown for how long he was sitting there in his personal purgatory, but the loneliness began to sink in. “I’m never getting out of here,” he thought. As he sat here, Philips thought he could hear the creaking sound of leather across from him. He looked up. “Where did you come from,” he asked. There was no one sitting on the chair, but somehow Philips seemed to detect another being, alien to his knowledge.

“Did you bring me here? If so, what do you want from me?” There was no response. All of a sudden, one of the marble white pawns moved forward two spaces. Philips looked amazed. “I see, I guess I will just have to pass the time with a game of chess. I’ll have to tell you though, that I am very good at the game. None of my friends have ever beaten me on it.”

As Philips looked at the black pieces he thought of something. “You know, I don’t know what you plan to do with me here, but if I lose I’ll go with you wherever you want. Since it doesn’t look like you plan on letting me go either, let’s say if I win, we play another round for as long as time will permit me. What do you say?” While there was no response, Philips took it as acceptance. “In that case let the game begin. We may as well pass the time by telling stories. I believe that there are many events destined for the future of mankind. I may as well begin with the tale of a family in the year 2015.” With that, Philips picked up his piece and examined the board. He went one space forward and set the pawn down. Sic incipit vitam ludo latrunculorum.


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44 Reviews


Points: 3764
Reviews: 44

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Sun Feb 28, 2016 3:44 pm
Duncan wrote a review...



Hi! I am Duncan and let's take a look at your story, which, by the way, is filled with intriguing ideas. I am going to divide the review into these categories.

Plot

Spoiler! :
If I remember correctly the story using the Creation as a parallel, right? I love the way you managed to twist and use the story to achieve an effect where readers are reminded of the story, but not as if reading an exact replica of the original story. The philosophical ideas in the story are also quite interesting that readers feel attracted to continue reading.

I do think you may want to make further use of the contrast you have created between the darkness in the beginning and the brightness in the end. That may be able to enrich the plot and add more complexity.


Character
Spoiler! :
The only character present in this story is Philips. I think you have created a real-life character in this prologue, and he feels like flesh-and-bones. He reminds me of a music teacher of mine who thinks very philosophically. Nothing much to comment on right here. :)


Language
Spoiler! :
First off, it is cool to use latin to write your title and the ending, but I do hope we will not see much more latin in the development of the story unless it actually plays a very important part (which I suspect to be related to Philips' background...?) because it is somehow annoying to 'google translate' every time readers read latin.

I am not really good at grammar, as you may have discovered already, but I sincerely do wish some more descriptions of the darkness and the brightness at the beginning and the end. If I were you I would separate the first paragraph into two so that the emptiness of the void stay stronger and longer for a striking effect. The imagery, though, is wonderful throughout the whole story.


I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading this rather useless review, and keep writing! :)




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325 Reviews


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Reviews: 325

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Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:49 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Now this story has some truly amazing descriptive writing -- in particular, I really love your sophisticated style of writing towards the beginning. It shows a finite level of expertise when it comes to the actual art of drawing a scene, or perhaps a good amount of extra editing work...either effort or knowledge is there, which is a very good thing.

Daisy was a very young and explorative cat, known for being extremely hyper.


Known by who?

his mind moved to that of the Cardinal.


Cardinal doesn't need to be capitalized.

Right, so I think is a very intelligent piece with a ton of complex, philosophical pieces to it. And I feel it's possibly the type of the story to be read twice, just because of how "loose" and symbolic the narrative presents itself. And so I did that, and I uncover that Philips is quite an intriguing character...for a man who long had nothing going on, but now he has this idea, and you present the question, what this idea is? Then, we see that his bedroom is a mess, thus alarming the reader that he is one of "those" kinds of people, or at least, someone who has been in this rut for a while...

Philips trudged at a snail’s pace to the doorway and made his way downstairs.


This was a nice touch to further that idea.

So then he shuts his eyes and sees the ocean, and we get the feeling that he finds the world is just too massive to fully explore...which is very, very true and sentimental...

The tub was nearly full. He drained the tub


Right, so the second use of tub isn't necessary; just say that he pulled the drain and that would suffice. And I'd think in an hour's time, he would have overflowed it, would he not?

With intent Philips opened up a new document and wrote.


ah, I got the feeling from the messy bedroom scene that he was indeed a writer attempting to uncover the scope of the world.

This piece is very fascinating, and I feel as if I could read it over and over again and get something different every time. There's not really much to criticize at all; it's not always that you read something so intelligent and philosophical. The one criticism I did have was the little dialogue there was felt a little wooden, although I don't think it was him actually talking, it didn't sound completely human, and I would like to see a bit more emotion in that aspect.

But apart from that, this was very, very good. Job well done.




pdavinci says...


Hey thanks for your review. I am glad you enjoy it.

I enjoy the fact that you are piecing together things that even I had not noticed. I based this character on myself and some of my other creative friends who have made an impact on me. I even used one of our names Philips (not Philip or Phillips). The odd part about some of this stuff is that, around the year of 2013 when this story takes place, we are all around the age of fourteen-fifteen, so still living with our families. Yet we all do have messy rooms.

As far of the philosophical nature, that was what I was trying to do. This character (who serves as the unseen narrator for the rest of the stories and the main character of the final) is just trying to find something where he can be fully expressive and creative.

I will work on the edits that you have mentioned as well. I can understand what you mean by wooded dialogue, at least near the end. I had a plan, but the dialogue can interfere a bit with my writing. Another complete random fact, if you pay attention to the hours and what happens at each one, there is a parallel to another huge famous piece of literature.

Again thanks for your review. This whole story is basically serving as prologue to my overall series known as the Epic Xake. If you want to learn more you can check out this forum post Idea for a series of stories or you can find more of theme in my works section. The stories will be written and posted out of order though. Anyways take care and if you have any questions just let me know.




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