16+ Language Violence

Servant of the White Sun - Chapter 2 - Shelter of the Sun

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

C'hnyel "Ciel" Sarven, attacked by a vampire on her way home from work, breaks into an opulent house thinking to seek shelter inside. The vampire gives her chase inside, however, and, when an inhabitant of the house shows herself, Ciel is very unhappily surprised to find herself faced with another vampire, this time a lady.

To know more, read Chapter 1.

The devil shuffled from one foot to the other. “Uh, my lady, I’ll take her away now. Gytrash will offer you compensation for anything she broke or…” He glared at the puddle under Ciel. “…stained.”

“Is that so?” the lady asked, her voice so level it was scary. “You are one of Gytrash’s.”

The lady glided forward in her piece of the night, a movement so fluid that it didn’t look like she had joints. She picked up the phone and dialed a number with graceful, unhurried fingers.

The lady glided forward in her piece of the night, a movement so fluid that it didn’t look like she had joints. She picked up the phone. It was such a normal gesture. She dialed a number with graceful, unhurried fingers.

“Uh? Milady? I will be going now, no need to call…”

The beast stopped short. Whoever the lady was calling had picked up and the intruder’s eyes betrayed shock at whatever he was hearing. Ciel, who didn’t have a demon’s sharp hearing, shuddered from the cold in her bones.

“Annabel Whidecker,” said the melodious voice of the lady.

Ciel’s eyes flew wide too. Whidecker was almost more impressive than a saÿrim. Every street-rat in the city knew her name. She came from the same streets, had joined the Runners and become their most fearsome caster. Fifteen years in, she had left the Service to open her own firm. She was now a fixer for everybody who was anybody in town.

If the lady was calling Whidecker, she didn’t intend to simply let Ciel go and accept compensation from Gytrash. If Whidecker picked up her calls in the middle of the night, she had the pull to do way more than let her go.

“I am about to kill one of Gytrash’s boys. What kind of compensation will I have to pay?”

Whatever Whidecker replied, it must have been pretty bad because the beast didn’t move an inch.

“He broke into my house, Annabel Whidecker.”

“…”

“Very well. I thank you, Magister.”

The lady hung up. The beast crouched, ready to attack, to launch itself at her. The lady appeared unconcerned. She glanced to her right, into the hall, at someone Ciel couldn’t see. “We will have to call the Runners for body removal, of course.” She sighed. “How annoying…”

But Ciel didn’t think the lady was that annoyed because she was smiling. It was a dreamy smile, almost childish. It faded as quickly as it had appeared on her lips. It didn’t fit there, with the pain and the violence that were sure to erupt. The beast hissed and jumped. Something boomed – once, twice – and the creature went down.

The lady took two steps forward and nudged its limp body with her slippered foot, flipped it around. Its face was half blown-up and still smoking.

“Bullhead,” she said calmly. “I commend your shooting skills, Trish.”

“Too kind of you, mistress.” The second voice sounded female also, but younger, sharper. It held a good deal of sarcasm, as if the second woman – female – couldn't take any subservience seriously. “What would you have done if I had missed?”

“Hm…We will never know now. The human is hurt. See to her.”

Someone stepped into the room – and finally lit a candle! A human face appeared in the flickering light, a face that was beautiful and terrible. Ash blond hair, huge blue eyes, full lips and sharp cheekbones painted a portrait of human beauty to the left of the straight nose. The woman’s right side was riddled with scars, grotesque lumps of melted skin ringing her long neck. She walked with a flowing grace, her serving gray robes fluttering, hinting at a remarkable figure.

She knelt by Ciel’s side, smiling a gentle smile. “Hello, there. It’s okay, you’re safe now. I’m Patricia.”

Ciel, weak as she was, recoiled. The other human wasn’t a servant. A white silver band circled her wrist and bore the sun symbol. Patricia was a slave, a graent, an energy slut, a drone. She belonged to the lady, same as the rug, the house, the backyard, same as a pet.

“Hush, little one,” she said. “Don’t be scared. Everything is fine. I promise.”

She seemed earnest in her reassurance. But she was a slave. Her promises hardly mattered. Ciel looked over her shoulder, seeking her mistress’ eyes. The lady was studying her blood-splattered rug, blank-faced.

“Please,” Ciel keened. “Please, don’t kill me.”

A distracted smile pulled at the saÿrim's lips again. “I do not intend to. I am about to call the Runners. A second dead-body would be an annoyance.”

Ciel relaxed, even as she saw the flaw in the lady's logic. Her dead-body could easily be explained as the beast’s work. If the lady bothered lying at all. Saÿrimen didn’t need to lie, they were above the law. “I hurt everywhere,” she moaned.

Trish smiled. “Just scratches and bruises. You’ll be alright.”

But, as she spoke, she sneaked a glance at her mistress, as if seeking confirmation. The lady tilted her head to the side, staring raptly at Ciel. “A bite or two maybe. She bears his mark.”

“A mark,” Ciel repeated. The beast had left part of it on her, in her. She started sobbing again, appalled. “Get it off! Get it off me! Get it off!”

The lady watched her scream and seemed unaffected, but she did float closer.

“Hush,” she crooned and took Patricia’s place. Ciel didn’t even dare flinch away. She just really wanted to. The lady’s hand drifted over Ciel’s face, her body. It drifted down, down, then up. It paused over her heart. “Tell me your name, little one.”

“C’hnyel Sarven.”

“How old are you, C’hnyel?”

“Seventeen.”

“Do you have family?”

Ciel was shaking like a leaf. “My brother,” she replied, teeth shattering. “Frances.”

“Where can we reach Frances?”

“You can call the Blue Rabbit. It’s a bar in the Bowels. It’s on the ground floor of our building. Rabbit will know how…to…”

“Hush, now, enough. The Blue Rabbit. The Bowels. Frances. His sister, C’hnyel.” The lady bowed her head, having clearly reached a decision. “Patricia.”

“I will make the call.”

“Good. Then, you can call your own brother.”

“Mistress?”

Trish sounded shocked but Ciel couldn't see her behind her mistress. She was surprised herself, having never fully realized that graenten had families.

“Patricia?” the lady parroted.

“Maybe I should call headquarters.”

“You can. But you know he will be the one coming anyway.”

Trish grumbled something, but Ciel’s pain drowned the words. Her brain couldn’t process the friendly tone of the conversation between mistress and slave.

“Make the calls from the other room. C’hnyel needs a little quiet and a little healing.” The lady brought a hand close to Ciel's face. “I am going to touch you, little one.” Ciel whimpered. “Do not be afraid. My touch holds no pain. It is nothing like his.”

Maybe the lady believed that worrying was suffering twice. She didn’t give Ciel time to worry. She touched her. She was right. It wasn’t painful at all. Her skin felt human – human soft, human warm, human dry. It didn’t pull on Ciel. It didn’t rip her soul.

The lady only took her hand away to lift Ciel off the floor. Felt like floating, Ciel thought dreamily. It had been a long, long while since anyone had carried her: she looked like a skeleton, all bones, flat here, sharp there, but she was deceptively heavy. The saÿrim, clearly deceptively strong herself, carried her into a library next door and laid her down on a plump sofa.

Trish wasn’t around anymore to dispense light. Dimly, Ciel wished someone would turn on the light but, then, she was feeling ever so slightly disjointed. Rich people – saÿrimen, especially – didn't trouble themselves with mundane things like light-bulbs. Their houses were connected to the grid for domestic necessities like the phone and sometimes even the internet. But they relied on fossil energies for light. Maybe electricity messed with their magic or maybe the subdued lighting reminded them of the mysterious land they had come from.

It seemed like an abysmal waste of money.

Ciel couldn’t see what the lady was doing but she felt the warmth of her magic caressing her body. She wasn’t scared. Perhaps she was too exhausted or perhaps it was these very human hands.

“What are you doing?” she asked in a pathetically low voice.

“The scum took pieces of you. And you took one back.”

“No, I didn’t.” Then, Ciel remembered hitting the beast and how long it had delayed it. Something had happened then. “Yes, I did.”

“Brave girl.”

“Why did you help me?”

“Patricia enjoys shooting intruders.” Ciel could imagine the smile on the lady’s lips. “I do not suffer arrogance easily. Also, I admire bravery.”

Ciel was quiet for a long moment. Her scratches and bruises didn't hurt so much anymore. She imagined that maybe her skin, her flesh were knotting themselves back together. The saÿrim was healing her – she hadn’t known they could do that.

“Pieces of me are still missing, aren’t they?”

“Yes.”

“Will I ever get them back?”

“Perhaps.”

Ciel feared asking questions but the lady stroked a gentle finger down her face and she took that as encouragement. “How?”

The lady breathed in and out in the darkness, deeply enough that it was audible. “Patricia is my graent,” she said. Ciel had never heard the foreign word uttered without a sneer. It made it sound strange, almost like a title. “I feed off her, off the sao, the living energy she radiates. I can feed off humans, off animals, off plants, sometimes off the night itself. It does not hurt. It does not scar.”

“But I…”

“He wasn’t feeding off your sao. He was ripping through your soul. Patricia’s soul was ripped to shreds once upon a time. But now, it has begun healing.” The lady brushed her hands down her kafi. It was a strangely brisk gesture – one Ciel could only hear but imagined well enough. “Souls have their own magic, are their own form of life, can heal to a new wholeness, given time.”

“What about his mark?”

“I covered his mark with my own. Nobody will know.”

Ciel deflated in relief and yawned. She was so tired. Still, she wanted to know whose mark she bore. “Who are you?” she asked.

Shocked at her own rudeness, she grabbed the lady’s hand in the dark and squeezed it in hers. Maybe it was even ruder, but the lady returned it with a squeeze of her own. “My name is nothing you could pronounce.” Ciel blushed. Of course. Who was she? A street-rat? A shop girl? She didn't even have the right to question a saÿrim so. “I go by Jaan.”

Jaan. Exotic and intimate, same as the unbound hair shimmering down the lady’s shoulders.

But who was Jaan? Demons cluttered in families, tied together by ties of kinship Ciel couldn’t begin to comprehend. The girl’s eyes flickered back to the crest of glowing silver.

The lady noticed. “You are curious of my family crest.” She pulled Ciel’s hand to the silver sun on her chest. “Whitestar. I am Lady Jaan Whitestar. Sleep now, little one.”

Ciel’s lashes fluttered up and down. She was afraid of the dark – more afraid than she was of the one saÿrim she could see. She didn’t know what else could be hiding in the dark. “Will you stay with me? Please. I'm afraid of being alone.”

“I will stay right here. You are under my protection. Sleep, now.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Miraculor77
Review

Hi! I know it's been a while since I last reviewed, but due to an internet situation, I wasn't able to read this. I'll read through this and offer comments/critiques, just like last time. :) I hope I'm not too harsh; I'm just trying to help you and you don't need to heed any (or all) of my suggestions.

The devil shuffled from one foot to the other. “Uh, my lady, I’ll take her away now. Gytrash will offer you compensation for anything she broke or…” He glared at the puddle under Ciel. “…stained.”

In the first chapter, the devil/beast/creature/monster was a bit more... confident. "'Milady,' the creature said, a smirk on its pale face. 'Oh, you unlucky little human...'" Right after, the creature apparently refuses to look in the direction of this 'lady.' This seems to continue here; he/it is more subdued, maybe a little more nervous now. This opens up a new question: Is the creature intimidated by the lady? I think it would be very interesting to delve deeper into that relationship.

The lady glided forward in her piece of the night, a movement so fluid that it didn’t look like she had joints. She picked up the phone and dialed a number with graceful, unhurried fingers.

The lady glided forward in her piece of the night, a movement so fluid that it didn’t look like she had joints. She picked up the phone. It was such a normal gesture. She dialed a number with graceful, unhurried fingers.

I think you accidentally repeated that first part. You don't need the first paragraph from the section I quoted. Also, they have phones? This may be more in the future than I'd originally thought.

“Uh? Milady? I will be going now, no need to call…”

The beast stopped short. Whoever the lady was calling had picked up and the intruder’s eyes betrayed shock at whatever he was hearing. Ciel, who didn’t have a demon’s sharp hearing, shuddered from the cold in her bones.

The phrase "stopped short" makes it seem like the beast's voice abruptly stopped, while the punctuation "..." at the end of his dialogue makes it seem like his voice is trailing off into nothingness. I'd say that you should pick one and go with it.

For example:
"Uh? Milady? I will be going now, no need to call--"
The beast stopped short.

I also had to read the paragraph three times to understand that the word "intruder" referred to the beast/creature/monster/devil. Maybe you should try to stick to a few names without throwing new ones at the reader. It makes reading more fluid.

That sentence, "Whoever the lady was calling had picked up and the intruder’s eyes betrayed shock at whatever he was hearing," could be written better. I get what you're trying to say, but you could have worded it better.

I would have written it like this:
The beast's eyes betrayed shock at what he heard over the phone.

She was now a fixer for everybody who was anybody in town.

What's a fixer?

If the lady was calling Whidecker, she didn’t intend to simply let Ciel go and accept compensation from Gytrash. If Whidecker picked up her calls in the middle of the night, she had the pull to do way more than let her go.

So both the lady and Whidecker are intimidating figures. Powerful. And Whidecker is a human, right?

“Too kind of you, mistress.” The second voice sounded female also, but younger, sharper. It held a good deal of sarcasm, as if the second woman – female – couldn't take any subservience seriously. “What would you have done if I had missed?”

She sounds like she will be a very interesting character. A bit like a rebel, but still working under someone very powerful.

She walked with a flowing grace, her serving gray robes fluttering, hinting at a remarkable figure.

Serving robes? Does that mean that she's a servant? Try to be a bit more precise.

Patricia was a slave, a graent, an energy slut, a drone. She belonged to the lady, same as the rug, the house, the backyard, same as a pet.

How does Ciel know that Patricia is a graent? How does Ciel know what a graent even is? I have a feeling that humans do not need someone like her. Is it common knowledge in the story? I suggest making this clear in later chapters.

Also, I think that separating the bold part of the sentence with a dash would accentuate the similarity between Patricia's position and that of a pet.

She belonged to the lady, same as the rug, the house, the backyard--same as a pet.

See the difference?

The lady was studying her blood-splattered rug, blank-faced.

The lady is both murderous and terrifying.

A distracted smile pulled at the saÿrim's lips again. “I do not intend to. I am about to call the Runners. A second dead-body would be an annoyance.”

Who are the Runners? Proper nouns do add to the fantasy element, but make sure you explain them later. You probably already did so, but I thought I would just point this out. :)

Ciel didn’t even dare flinch away. She just really wanted to.

These sentences sound very choppy and could be put together, like so:
Ciel didn't even dare flinch away, though she really wanted to.

“C’hnyel Sarven.”

How do you pronounce that?

“Mistress?”

Trish sounded shocked but Ciel couldn't see her behind her mistress. She was surprised herself, having never fully realized that graenten had families.

“Patricia?” the lady parroted.

Wait. Hold up. Trish and Patricia are the same person? How did I never realize? Exams must have been affecting me more than I thought they would.

Maybe the lady believed that worrying was suffering twice.

That's kinda true. Either way, it's really kind of her to ease some of Ciel's worry. Is she the same person who ordered the death of the beast?
Maybe she really hates beasts who hurt others, like him. Like she's a... good beast. I think.

Felt like floating, Ciel thought dreamily.

I think that "felt" should be replaced with "feels." This is because, although your novel is written in past tense, your character's thoughts and words are happening in their "present." All of your dialogue is in present tense, so your character's thoughts should follow suit.

Maybe electricity messed with their magic or maybe the subdued lighting reminded them of the mysterious land they had come from.

So they aren't from Earth, or wherever Ciel is from.

“I go by Jaan.”

Did you know that "jaan" means life in Hindi? It's a fitting name for her.

She was afraid of the dark – more afraid than she was of the one saÿrim she could see. She didn’t know what else could be hiding in the dark. “Will you stay with me? Please. I'm afraid of being alone."

Here, you implied that Ciel is afraid of Jaan, but then she asks Jaan to stay with her. You might want to smooth that contradiction over during rewrites.


Aaaaaand that's all I have. I hope this review helped in some way or another. I know I got really nitpicky in some parts, but it's only because your writing is so good. I personally find it easier to fix small errors when someone points them out because I don't see them immediately in my own writing. So I thought I'd do the same to others.

Keep writing,
Mira

User avatar
Gnomish
Review

Hello, I'm here again, as I'd said!

So I'm again a little confused about the something again. Near the end of the chapter after Jaan lied Ciel down it was mentioned that she was to tired to be scared, but it still seems like in a very short period of time she not only befriended Jaan, but kind of seems to admire her. It might just be my weird perception of things, but that's what I noticed.

Another thing is the first line of the chapter. Jaan says "Is that so?" to the beast, and I've read the previous chapter but it doesn't seem to be a reply to any other comment. Maybe you could clear that up for me?

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, it carried forward the plot easily and was very engaging. So far I'm liking the characters, but I thought the beast would be a more main character so I'm a bit disappointed that he died. Ah well, Jaan seems a much more interesting character anyways!

On to the next chapter!
-Gnomish

Hi, thanks for catching this, it was a mistake in editing. I'm glad you like my story, hope the next chapters can retain your attention too. Don't worry, plenty of monsters to keep you busy...

User avatar
Toboldlygo
Review

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for another review!

Overall, it's a great chapter. I definitely enjoy the story and how you're choosing to tell it. It's very engaging and it captures the reader. Way to go!

The two areas I see the most room for growth is your descriptive language and your vocabulary. It seems as if you're not really describing events as much as you could. The events happen quickly, but we don't really get to experience them as much as we could because they're not described they just happen and then are over. Also, describing what the characters look like in more detail helps us visualize them.

The other issue is the vocabulary. I think it's great to use your own words, and obviously created languages can work work really well, but you definitely need to have some kind of glossary either at the bottom (just copy/paste it in each chapter) or a link to a glossary that we can refer to.

One more issue. The work is rated 16+ for violence, but because you use certain words, it should also include a language content warning. For example, this passage here uses the word "slut," so that shouldn't be in anything less than 16.

"Ciel, weak as she was, recoiled. The other human wasn’t a servant. A white silver band circled her wrist and bore the sun symbol. Patricia was a slave, a graent, an energy slut, a drone. She belonged to the lady, same as the rug, the house, the backyard, same as a pet."

Even though you've already marked it as 16+ for violence, since there is also language, the rating should be updated to reflect that so that people know to expect it.

Overall, very well done! I enjoyed reading it!

Toboldlygo

Thanks again. I'll take care of that ASAP.

User avatar
Honora
Review
Honora wrote a review · Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:57 am

I seriously can't even express how much your writing is AMAZING! I literally love your style. It just sucks me and won't let go. It's like one of those really cool books that you finish in a day because you just can't put it down. ;)
I am quite intrigued by this "Jaan Whitestar." It's like she's the good one out of the "beasts" and has a conscience instead of just a mindless need to kill and feed. If you have ever watched the CHEESIEST vampire show called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," she reminds me of Angel a bit. Just a whole lot more bad ass and a whole lot less wimpy! XD (If you haven't watched it, you should check it out. I feel the need to warn you that it is really cheesy and quite predictable but rather enjoyable! :))
The only thing I found a little off is when the "beast" is killed. It just didn't seem to flow properly. Maybe you could switch up some words or make it a little more descriptive? I don't know what you want to do but that's the only thing I found a bit iffy.
Ok, I lied. there is one more thing I would like to point out. All of your names for the creatures etc...are really cool but I find I'm getting confused with them. Maybe try to elaborate on them a bit more. For example, "He wasn’t feeding off your sao." What is a sao? I don't know what that is so it makes the sentence hard to understand.

Anyway, I am really happy with these chapters so far so keep tagging me when they come out! :)
Your friend,
Honora

Glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Thanks for the remarks, I'll keep them in mind for rewrites times%u2026
But boy aren't you right about the vocabulary...I had to put together a lexicon to keep it all straight. Do you think I should publish it somewhere, so you'll have a reference?

Your welcome!
If you have a chance to publish it, go for it! :)

Ok. I'll keep that in mind. It's been a while since I last published on YWS (too little time), but it's a breath of fresh air. So, thank you for taking the time, it's really nice.

It is pretty cool so no problem! :)



Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
— Ann Landers