Hi! I saw the latest chapter out and wanted to come back to the first to start from the beginning.
I'll read through this and drop comments/critiques/nitpicks as I go. Keep in mind that I write the following because I want to help. Feel free to ignore any/all comments/critiques if you don't think they're necessary. 
Stupid. So stupid. Ciel fell, the skin of her knees split against the asphalt. She got up, sobbing. Stupid. So stupid. She choked a little on her own tears. Not enough air. So much moisture – her tears, the rain, even the mud that splashed as she ran. So, so, so stupid.
Something major just happened, didn't it? Whatever it was, it was enough to distract her from the pain from her knee.
I do have one nitpick:
"Ciel fell, the skin of her knees split against the asphalt."
This sentence is made up of two independent clauses. This means that both parts of the sentence can, technically, stand on their own as full sentences. Two independent clauses should be separated by a semicolon (;), or you can change one of them into a dependent clause.
For example, you could write something like this: "Ciel fell, the skin of her knees splitting when it hit the asphalt."
I love how intense her emotions are in this paragraph. Some people might think that the repetition is unnecessary, but it really drives the point home.
She should have left the shop earlier. She should have asked her brother to pick her up. I’m such an idiot! Sure, Frances didn’t like going out of his way for her sake. But he would have done it. Really. He would have.
So stupid. She flinched at the memory of him punching her after she lost her last job. She slipped. It wasn’t his fault. Such an idiot! A snicker rose from the mouth of the alley and she shivered.
So first you say that though Frances would have come to pick her up, then you say that she remembers him punching her.
I get the feeling she's just trying to convince herself that this was the alternative to whatever really happened. I don't know if that was your intention, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.
But what could she do? What could she do except run and cry?! What choice did she have, but to try?!
I feel that using the "?!" twice lessens its effect. If you used it once, at the ned of the last sentence, it would have more emphasis.
She slipped again, fell head first this time. Stupid, stupid girl. The world started spinning. Pain everywhere. She could taste blood in her mouth. Can’t run anymore. She couldn’t even get up.
Ouch. Also, should't "stupid, stupid girl" be italicised?
Fingers stroked her ankle, human-like fingers, but cold as death. And they brought something with them – a sting, a burn, a tearing deep inside.
The words "human-like" seem to lessen the almost poetic, yet frightning thing you have going here. Also, the word "fingers" is not necessary the second time. I would have written it like this: "Fingers stroked her ankle, strangely human and cold as death."
It had been like that on the bus too. She hadn’t realized he was one of them until he touched her. He looked so normal. He wore a hat and gloves, all very proper. She hadn’t recognized the danger in his benevolent smile.
So she met him/it before?!? 0.o
One of who? Make sure you mention this later. (If you already did, ignore this comment).
The hat and gloves make this piece seem more in the past, but I could be wrong. It's just that hats and gloves were worn more commonly back then.
She gasped, maybe, or maybe she cried out. People glanced their way out of the corner of their eyes. Pretending not to know what was going on. She would have known! But nobody did anything.
There are multiple corners because there are multiple eyes. Make it plural: "People glanced their way out of the corners of their eyes."
She would have known what? Be specific. "Had she been in their place, she would have known!"
I like how you use exclamation points; many books don't use them often nowadays. It makes your writing different, in a good way.
He maybe even helped her a little.
It could be just me, but I think that the word "maybe" feels out of place here. If he definitely helped her, take out the "maybe." If she isn't sure, try replacing it with "might even have" like so: "He might even have helped her a little."
She hated him like she had never hated anyone! With all her terror and all her despair. She hated. Hating him, she ran away until the hate faded and left only her fear, naked for all to see. The street led down to the docks. That’s where he was leading her, herding her. He would kill her there and they would find her in the morning, all curled up and shriveled up.
The second and third sentences can be combined, because they are both dependent clauses. They sound strange as whole sentences. I would write it like so: "With all her terror and all her despair, she hated him."
"He" sounds sadistic, kinda messed up, and not entirely human. Am I correct in my assumptions?
Also, who's "they"? You said that "they would find her in the morning," but you never specified who. The police? The people who lived nearby? The people who worked there?
More things like the thing that's chasing her?
“Not this way!” the beast hissed in her ear.
Nope, not human.
He reached for her again. She punched him. “Fuck you!”
Yes! Good job, Ciel.
*looks at author* "She better be alive by the end of this."
No, she silently begged, and she didn’t know whom she was praying to. Not here, where it was cold and sordid. Move it!she told herself, calling upon her anger.
One nitpick: There should be a space after "Move it!"
A gate appeared beyond the corner. She grabbed it with both hands, saw trees through the bars, smelled flowers.
Yes!! But it seems too conveniant... is it a trap?
She landed wrong. Something gave with a crunch. When she tried to get up, her leg folded under her weight, and she blacked out for a heartbeat or two.
By the stars, that must be painful.
“Ciiiieeeel…Ciiiiiel…I’m gonnnnnna find you. I’m gonnnnna hurt you. Come along, girrrrrl. Come.”
Word of advice to the beast: That's not how you get people to listen to you.
Ciel, don't listen to him. You probably know this, but still. Don't.
Who needed legs?
I should not have, I know I shouldn't have, but I laughed out loud.
Whenever she thought about giving up, she remembered the sensation of her soul being ripped out of her body.
The imagery here is strong. It sounds painful to think about. Was her soul really ripped from her body?
Maybe she was safe. Almost, she almost let go. She was so tired. She couldn’t take it much further.
Nooo!!!!!!
“Milady,” the creature said, a smirk on its pale face. “Oh, you unlucky little human…”
Ciel looked the way the creature wouldn’t.
This feels... contradictory. The creature smirks and calls Ciel unlucky, almost as though he isn't unlucky. But then he doesn't look at the door, at whoever that's standing there.
Those were mysterious eyes, their loveliness softly accentuated by delicately curved brows and the brown silk of her hair.
Your writing is so poetic. It's beautiful. I also think that the woman(ish) figure is human. Or looks like one.
‘Lady,’ the monster had called her. The woman was another saÿrim. Evil.
Never mind. Not human after all. Also, how do you pronounce "saÿrim?"
From the look of the woman, however, from the look of the house, she knew it was a prominent one.
I get the feeling that Ciel's gonna be in a lot of trouble.
Well that's all I have. Hope this review helps.
I'll read and review the other chapters when I get time.
Keep writing,
Mira
Points: 311
Reviews: 43
Donate