Published August 8, 2011
In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Mark E. Nash,
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.
When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "get out some more!"
He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop.
He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope
and working as a caddy,
life hanging on a threadbare rope.
No, Mark wouldn't be like his mom,
eating and eating away the pain
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain.
Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find.
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141,616 Literary Works • 675,169 Reviews
This version of the poem is really good, most of your sentences follow a good structure and a clear form. I'd like to have heard more about the character though - did he succeed in finding what he dreamed of? In some cases you have to be careful of forcing rhymes, I noticed some occasions in which the rhyme didn't seem as good as it could be. Work on that and you'll have a great poem in no time!
Icy
Hey Boo here!
I liked the poem it was inspirational! The story was great... It being a little like childish rhymes, but it got better.
Thats all!
-Boo
Thanks
Ooh my god, I loved the former version of this poem.. and this one is even better!!! Just really.. eeh AMAZING, BRILLIANT! I mean.. It's so touching, and deep and got such great rythm and flow and.. eeeh, I just L O V E it!!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I really enjoyed this poem. The lines and stanzas were well divided, and this was without gramatical or spelling error. I liked the tone of the poem. With what DevanEWilliams mentioned, I believe you could actually add some more syllables to the second line there, to make it a bit more even. I liked the imagery too much to want to take any of the words out! Overall, this was a great poem. Keep writing.
Thanks
I really love the tone that you have established in this. It's perfect for the subject matter. Your rhymes are good and the stanzas are well-divided. Nice Job!
One thing that i thought was a little awkward was this:
Don't get me wrong, this is great. Except for the fact that the last line has quite a few more syllables than the rest. You could probably take out the word "threadbare," although if you wanted to keep that (since the image that comes to mind with it is perfect!) it might be okay to take out the words "life" and "a."
If you think it's good, then you don't have to listen to me. But this is my opinion.
Awesome Job! Keep writing!
~Devan