Dad Smith was a classic father:
high-paying job and aloof manner,
didn't pay his family much bother,
but liked his secretary,
who was blond and tanner.
Mom Smith felt kind of lonely.
Her husband away, she drank wine,
which made her feel less homely.
Whenever asked about the marriage,
she responded with the oneword "fine."
Haley Smith was kind of chubby,
but that didn't matter with Nick,
didn't matter with her hubby.
But he was older and preying on her,
emailing her so she could suck his dick.
AJ Smith was starting to lose hope.
He had no friends, being the smart kid,
aside from his good friend, trusty ole dope.
And he thought nobody knew how he felt,
until he met that gang guy, with the cool lid.
Sammy Smith was the sweetest boy,
and nobody knew that his body parts
were his babysitters favorite toy.
Sometimes he tells his mom how it's weird,
but she shrugs him off before he starts.
This is just how it goes,
the way the world is,
the way things flow.
People don't see anything,
not even their kids.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
So I don't have the ability to do a full on review since I'm writing this on my phone but I will try to give you my opinion and thoughts on this poem. First of all I thought the idea was super creative and origional, sad and true. But I thought you could have gotten the idea of the poem across better without using the word "dick." That tends to force the readers away a bit from the raw words like that. I liked the description of the husband of the family and the cruel ways the children were subjected to, just because people don't tend to think that kids from the "perfect" families are affected by things like sexual abuse. Good job on this poem just try to work on the words that you use in this to make it a beautiful poem yet telling a cruel story instead of a poem that just tells a cruel story in a wicked way.
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Wicked Good! You've really turned the inside on a family out and I like how you in each stanza both describes what these people are like to other people. Like, yeh, she's chubby, he's rich and he's sweet.. and so on and then also adds how messed up they are on the inside. You've got some great rythm amd flow and you've used good punctuation. If I have something to complain about it's you're rhyming-scheme and rhymes. They sounds forced and mostly where the rhymes help the flow and makes the piece more interesting to read I feel like this poem doesn't need rhymes to be good and you should just focus on the content instead of trying so hard with the rhyming
)
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hi there!
This is really powerful stuff. It was written very well. I couldn't find any spelling or grammer mistakes, so you're good with that. This poem flows really well too. One thing: I think you should've said Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith at the beginning of the first two stanzas. It seems a little weird to say 'Dad Smith' and 'Mom Smith'.
Keep writing!
Wow! Strong poem here. The form/ structure isn't really something I can comment much on here, but I found it hard to follow at some places. Also, be careful not to make any of the rhymes sound forced as that problem can often occur when writing such poetry. Check out rhymingdictionary.com if you ever get stuck.
Overall though, you've told the story well and portrayed the characters in a good amount of detail for this length of work. Keep it up!