Published November 3, 2011
Sophie's words burns like fire, her eyes frigid ice, digging grave for love her's;
Ray awaits his own pyre, biding time to make nice, whilst his anger stirs.
Her hair shines yellow-white, eyes bluer than sky, light as birds who fly;
His hair black as night, like dark Sharpie dye, matching hue of eye.
So different they are, like veggies and cake, but fit together great;
love first from afar, and then chances'y take, perfect Darwinian mates.
Dance ballerinas, in this game you play, wrap't in warm arms,
packed like boxed peanuts, till the light of day, safe from all the harms.
Always wrap't in arms so warm, jigsaw solved just right, love so brave and true
like a hornet's swarm, search for future bright, just the two of you.
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140,936 Literary Works • 673,760 Reviews
Really nice poem. I like how in this type of poerty you brought the audience into it. I also like the word usage. Good Job.
- Danielm1233
This is a good piece. I liked it very much. I have nothing to comment cause it sounds perfectly fine for me.
Keep writing!
That was really nice. Especially, the ending was very sweet. Some of the small letter at the beginning of a line seemed a bit "wrong", though. The use of commas were a bit too often, which made the sentences somewhat choppy and meaningless at times.
The sophistication and expressive idea of the poem was really attractive. It was original and had the charm needed in good poetry. Keep writing and nourishing the poet in you!! Wish you all the very best!!
Good but I'm not too sure about the Sharpie dye, I think it just kind of makes it a bit un-sophisticated. Try and change it to dark ink or something.
I thought this was original and cute, and liked your old-fashioned word usage, but for some reason I thought it didn't flow well when in the first stanza wrote it in an old-fashioned tone then juxtaposed it with comparing Ray's hair to something modern like sharpie dye, but that's my opinion. Here are some of my other thoughts, corrections in red:
Sophie's words burns like fire, her eyes frigid ice,digging grave for love her's-doesn't make sense and ruins flow;
Ray awaits his own pyre, biding time to make nice, whilst his anger stirs.
Her hair shines yellow-white, eyes bluer than sky, light as birds who fly;
His hair black as night, like dark Sharpie dye, matching hue of eye.
So different they are, like veggies and cake, but fit together great;
love first from afar, and then chances'y take, perfect Darwinian mates.-no idea what this means but if you're just trying to rhyme it isn't working
Dance ballerinas, in this game you play, wrap't in warm arms,
packed like boxed peanuts, till the light of day, safe from all the harms.-don't see how these two metaphors fit together
Always wrap't in arms so warm, jigsaw solved just right, love so brave and true
like a hornet's swarm, search for future bright, just the two of you.-love the last line, but stanza should be longer to keep the flow