Published August 8, 2011
Her eyes are glassy
as she tries to look perfect
and nice and classy
for the one guy worth it.
As he pulls up to the house
she fluffs her wavy hair,
getting quiet as a mouse,
now hyper-aware.
Is that a slammig door?
Has he had a bad day?
Will he call her a whore?
Will he make her pay?
His eyes ablaze
with crimson fire
he stomps inside
with open ire.
"You," he sneers,
"Let me guess!"
His voice confirms fears,
all her questions answered yes.
"No dinner on the table?
But you had time to get dressed up!"
She knows he's unstable,
that she cannot speak up.
He adds to her bruises,
easily hidden on her arms.
How could she be so clueless,
putting herself in such harm?
Maybe she just thinks
she deserves it.
Maybe she knows he's on the brink,
loves him too much to let go of him.
Perhaps she's scared
or ashamed,
too unprepared,
and always blamed.
He always claims
a momentary lapse
but she always takes the blame,
with pain enough to cause collapse.
Her friends sometimes catch
a look at exposed purple skin
but explanations they do not fetch.
Of cruelties, she will not own in.
They watch each day
as with desperation
she begins to slip away,
her life in conflagration.
But then one day,
as she watches him approach
angrily, though she knows not why,
as she chooses not to broach,
she stands her ground,
her voice wavering
but spirit found.
"I'm gonna leave,"
she says with a painful tear.
"Goodbye Steve."
"Goodbye, my dear."
The others may follow suit
if their hearts strong enough
to not take the too-trodden route
that leaves heart and skin so rough.
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,170 Reviews
This poem is a lot longer than your usual and I think it's my favourite of them all. The rhymes don't seem forced and you've done a good job of telling the story in an interesting way. Why not try a poem where your stanzas don't follow a rhyming pattern? I think you'd do really well at it!
Icy
Okay so this is a sore subject and you managed to get the emotion through, really touching and sad it was indeed.
Things that could be improved though...
* You keep a certain structure of the stanzas through out most of your poems but then at one spot you pull in a completely different one.. that kinda bugged me.
* Your rhymes are forced at times, this one espacially "Of cruelties, she will not own in." it sounds both forced and awkward, I suggest you try changing it
*I don't like how you gave the abuser a name, because until then this could be any case and made it more real and overwhelming.. and you thought like. "God, this is happening to sooo many people and that man can be anyone!!!" but then came the "Steve" and it was just a story about one girl.. I think you should erase that line, or use a word that could work on anyone.. but really, that entire stanza feels wicked to me. It feels to me, like in her situation you can't just say.. i'm leaving cause that's like.. eh, dangerous or something.
But I loved the rythm and flow and the content overall so.. NICE JOB!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Thanks
Hey, I like how as I read your poem I got multiple flashbacks of abused women and outraged husbands, its almost as if the poem comes to life in a form puzzled togther by flashbacks--Like a colossal demon made entirely of shards of glass, each shard depicting a scence of domestic violence. However, it is not cliche but, rather unique in the way it was brought across.
Good work. Keep writing.
//Abyss.
Thanks
I really liked the poem. The idea was well explained throughout, and actually getting it to rhyme nearly amazed me. (I usually have little sucess getting poems to rhyme.)
This part ruined the flow a tiny bit, rhyming up with up. It could be just me.
All in all, I really enjoyed the poem, you're a great writer/poet. Keep writing!
Thanks. I'll work on it.
I really liked how this piece flowed; the idea of how this innocent girl gets with this guy is really fluent and very well expressed. There are a few nitpicks. There is a paragraph which has a spelling mistake (slammig sould be slamming) and one which doesn't flow as well as the other paragraphs:
For me I say this as two separate paragraphs. The second half doesn't share the rhythm of the first part and the pace of the line suffers a little. Overall you have done a great job. Can't wait to see more from you