Sacrifice - Chapter Two

by pahoem

Published December 23, 2012

In

Brody's POV: 2

The pen was smudging ink onto my fingers. I didn’t like that. I rubbed my fingers together but it only smudged more. What human had invented ink anyway? What significance did they have to make it so damn messy? Focus, I could hear my father growl deeply into my ear. Just the thought of it made my heart pick up to a nervous speed. I had a job. I was eighteen now. I had a job.

A list set in front of me and on that list, the very first name was circled in red ink so many times that it was starting to bleed over onto the other side. I had done that mostly out of nerves, but also so that I wouldn’t forget the name that it read. That was an important name.

Jail Jason.

Eighteen was such an anticipated age for my kind. Mainly because it was like an upgrade. No more classes, no more pointless training and lectures. It was all put to use. At eighteen, we were all given a list and on that list were rows and rows of human names. One was ranked the highest and most useful and then down it went from there. We would go to land and take that number one and then we would convince them to come with us. See, that was all easy. Simple really. Until the…

I’m a mermaid…

…part.

The pen smeared again, more like exploded across the paper, but that time it was my fault. I was holding onto it too tightly. Nerves. An elder lady, Linda was her name, came to the table and wiped it up with a fresh white cloth. She was nervous also, which was my fault again. Not exactly a maid, considering that was a human term, but more a long of it was her duty and pleasure to serve my family and I. I was the prince and she was in my castle.

“Thank you,” I told her with a kind smile.

“Anything else I can do for you young, Brody?”

“My father…?”

“Gone on duty, sir.”

“Ahh,” I nodded and turned my attention back to the list. My father, the king, was off doing what I kept avoiding. Focus, his voice snarled again in the back of my mind.

So I did start to focus and it was for real this time. The number one name on my list was Jail Jason. It was my duty as not only a new eighteen-year old mermaid, but also as the King’s son and future leader someday, to bring Jail Jason to this part of the world.

It was a world no human even knew existed when really there were thousands of us mermaids living under there. Of course the most widely mistaken thought about our kind was that we lived in water. It wasn’t water where our world sat somewhere under the earth but it wasn’t land - only parts of it were. We had fins instead of feet, and we had glowing hair and unique eyes and faces along with all sorts of powers. There was no gravity but it wasn’t like space where you had no control. It was like swimming under water, the way we moved and could flip and float, but without the actual water. Btu most importantly, we had jobs. That’s why I needed him, you see, because we all had jobs.

There once was a time when thousands and thousands of full - blooded mermaids controlled our part of the world. Full bloods were the originals, you know, the kind that God just made so we could do our jobs right. That’s when we were the strongest. Everybody was one family - all the same, all shared a common goal. Mermaids regulated the water before any fancy filters on earth every thought about doing. We kept the sea life living, and by doing so kept the human population alive as well. Without us, all the oceans, rivers, any kind of water anywhere, would disappear which in return meant anything that required water to live would die as well. 

Our job, it was important.

The time when all the full bloods roamed around full of power was a time before I was created. Even before my father was created, too. It was when my father was growing up was when things began to change. Well you see, mermaids, we weren’t immortal. We died too. And after awhile of so many dying generations after generation, we needed more to help out. The history is long and I’d have plenty of time to explain it all to the kid later, but too make a long story very, very short I would explain to him that we changed humans and brought them for help. Why him though, he would ask. Why was he one that had to be changed?

I stopped and dropped the pen on the table. It almost rolled off but I stopped it with my index finger and flicked it back up until it came to a slow, rolling stop. There was so much I’d rather be doing right now than this. My job. My stupid job.

There were a lot of humans on the list and I wasn’t ranked high enough up yet to find out how they were made. My father was in charge of all that. I would explain to him how he would have to come with me and leave everything he knew. See that there…that was the hard part. I didn’t really get humans since I was one of the very few full bloods left. I didn’t have any kind of human instincts so I wouldn’t be able to relate or have even the slight amount of sympathy it would take. But I was sure it wouldn’t go over well. If somebody told me that, that I was going to have to turn away from the life I knew and go away forever…God I don’t even know what I would think or do.

Okay. I was mentally ready now. There was still a lot I hadn’t gone over in my head and something told me it wouldn’t go near as smooth when it actually happened. But it was time for me to get after it so I could move on and do other things with my time. I’d give him about a week to say goodbye to everybody, what he was going to say I didn’t know and I tried not to care. That wasn’t my job, to care.

I stood up from the desk, ready to be out of the human legs and back to my comfortable, natural self. Every since humans began being adopted to our world, a lot of readjusting was done and in many parts it was impossible not to be human. Not in many, but still, it wasn’t what I was familiar with because again, I was one of the rare full-blooded left. My father, my sister, and myself. That was all of us.

The paper looked messy from all the ink splattered on it. See we were all given the list because even though the number one choice is the most obvious one to choose, we do have a choice. Some mermaids, the ones that are old and have been here for a long time, know how to study the pros and cons and different situations of each individual. The only problem I saw on mine was that I had two number ones, even though the second number one was not an option in my eyes. It was a girl and I just wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. Not for my first year. At least with the boy I could let loose with the other new mermaids in his position and they could learn and adapt together. A girl would have emotions and I’d feel as if I had to babysit her through it all.

I left the stone room with the empty desk and dark walls immediately, changing out of the clumsy feet as soon as I could. Before I knew it I was coasting at ease along a silvery stream guiding me to eventually the center square if I let it take me that far. My world, once full of mazes and caves and beautiful natural creations before humans came and brought their human things like ink pens.

Who needed ink pens?

The inside of my eye sockets went black as everything around me began to shift and change. With one steady, reassuring deep breath, I tried to relax and focus on where to travel too. I was a pro at traveling, natural as breathing. I was advanced, too. You know, full-blooded advantages and all.

An island came into view. Not a very big one. It was surrounded by water completely so it would be easy to sneak into without making some sort of scene. I groaned. This stupid job I was about to do and would have to do from now on. Why did my list have two names on it? Why did I have to have some popular teenage boy?

Why was I dreading this so much?

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
crossroads
Review
crossroads wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Hey ^^

What a nice twist.. Mermaids, seen in a new way - I love that, and I find the idea of bringing humans to their world rather intriguing. Maybe it's the writer in me and is totally wrong, but I feel like I already see where some of this might be heading.

Spoiler
As in, Jail Jason equals J.J. (I've never seen Jail being used as a name before, though, but it's kind of cool), and I wouldn't be surprised if the girl was Regan.. Which puts Asher as some kind of opponent to Brody (with the disliking of water and all)..?


Anyway, forget my guessing, I'll read what you had in mind anyway :D Brody.. I'm not sure if you wanted the readers to like him. I kind of do, however, and as he seems to be seen as an enemy (
Spoiler
if my assumptions are correct and he's to separate J.J. and Regan, that is
), I think it's great that you put in his POV too. I like doing it as well, writing POVs from both 'good' and 'bad' characters and making the readers actually not knowing who is good and who is bad anymore :3

However. You put a lot of information in this chapter. Which is good to know and it helps us understand more, but there's one thing that kind of bothers me. Brody tells us, more or less, about his world and his duty, but he does so as if he knows we're here, we're humans and we are listening. If he does know and if you imagined it in a way so he is addressing the reader directly (if I'm not mistaking, you had that with Regan too, didn't you?), than you may be lacking some information (@megsug has already said a word on that one bellow). If you were just planning on giving us his thoughts, then, however it may sound, you should have put less information. Yeah, I know it sounds kind of like a contradiction, but consider this: if he was a mermaid, one of them, he would know very well of all the things he describes, so he would probably only give it a thought or two that would mean something to him, but would have to be a bit vague to your readers (except if the readers are mermaids too).. I hope you understand what I'm saying here. :)

See you at the next chapter,
Kind regards,
Aria

User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Dec 26, 2012

I'll begin with the hopes of finishing, but I may have to finish tomorrow.

I apologize if I repeat Disk. His review was a bit too painful for me to read all the way through.

I had a job. I was eighteen now. I had a job.

Why the repetition? It's not necessary. We got it the first time.

A list sat in front of me


An elderly lady,


“Anything else I can do for you, young, Brody?”


It was a world no human even knew existed when really there were thousands of us mermaids living under there. Of course the most widely mistaken thought about our kind was that we lived in water. It wasn’t water where our world sat somewhere under the earth but it wasn’t land - only parts of it were. We had fins instead of feet, and we had glowing hair and unique eyes and faces along with all sorts of powers. There was no gravity but it wasn’t like space where you had no control. It was like swimming under water, the way we moved and could flip and float, but without the actual water.

Ah... Alrighty... Hm... This concept needs a lot of description. I don't understand it at all. I suggest actually showing through Brody's eyes what's going on at least once with this crazy, new world that needs to be explained perfectly for the reader to understand.

That’s why I needed him, you see, because we all had jobs.

Who? His dad, Jail Johnson? Make it very clear.

God just made so we could do our jobs right.


The time when all the full bloods roamed around full of power was a time before I was created. Even before my father was created, too. It was when my father was growing up was when things began to change. Well you see, mermaids, we weren’t immortal. We died too. And after awhile of so many dying generations after generation, we needed more to help out.

Though he was really harsh about it, I agree with Disk here. This is a bit sketchy. Perhaps the added population plus the great amounts of pollution could be your reasoning for the dying off of the mermaids instead?

Every since humans began being adopted to our world


Not in many, but still, it wasn’t what I was familiar with because again, I was one of the rare full-blooded left.

...What does that mean?
And, yeah, we remember. Don't talk to your reader like they're stupid. I would get rid of that.

Before I knew it I was coasting at ease along a silvery stream guiding me to eventually the center square if I let it take me that far.


So... I don't like Brody as much as your other characters, and I'm not sure you were going for us hating him because you tried to make him funny at the same time.

I like your mermaids. I think they're an interesting take on an old idea. Just make sure we, as readers who know nothing of this world in your mind, can perfectly understand what is going on.

Alright. That's all I've got.

You know the schpiel by now. Any questions, feel free to come.

Look, I finished. :D
Megsug

User avatar
DiskElemental
Review
DiskElemental wrote a review Review · Dec 26, 2012

Full Comments here: http://titanpad.com/HKYpA3OFQ3

Re-write this.
The writing is clumsy, the plot is riddled with holes, and the character development is generic at best.

You're using too many words and sentences to describe simple ideas, which makes the writing redundant and slow. You're also spending a ton of time dumping exposition, which should be handled by demonstration rather than simply telling.

I believe I pointed out the major plot holes, but allow me to quickly summarize them.
The plot feels forced, there is literally no good reason for this character to, well, be a main character. If he understands nothing about humanity, then why would he even be sent to negotiate with humans, when there are many more qualified individuals?
And
Without some kind of external force, the entire crisis doesn't really make sense. If this race was "designed" to preserve all life on earth, then why aren't they able to reproduce? They wouldn't be very good guardians if they die out on their own after a few generations.

This character is generic and boring as hell. He's just another angsty teen with a destiny, one of, if not the most, worn out archetypes I've encountered. Then there's the fact he knows that the fate of the world is dependent on him and his contemporaries completing their mission, but he's still whining about it being boring. That's just silly.

If you have any comments, questions, concerns, or hate mail, feel free to send them my way.

User avatar
LayfonHowle
Review
LayfonHowle wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2012

Very good, a few spelling errors but nothing a fine toothed combing couldn't fix. unique story, i like Brody a lot, he's very...umm...human. haha. A lot of story's that include royalty make them out to be all powerful and wonderful, full of luxury when in fact it includes a lot of pressure and unwanted attention. I honestly wouldn't choose to be royal. well anyway, that's kind of off topic xD . Your writing makes his emotions easily identifiable and realistic, which is nice. the ending of the chapter makes me want to read more, i like when they have interesting one liner endings. soo, well, yeah, good job. keep it up, i want to read more and mermaids are a new one for me. - Layfon Howle

pahoem replied · Dec 23, 2012

Awh thankyou! I'm glad to see somebody read it! Yes Brody is a different character of his own. I agree with what you said about the royalty stuff! I hope you continue reading as I post more. Thanks a lot for the time!



It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner