Sacrifice - Chapter One

Regan's POV: 1

I had a cut out piece of cardboard hanging on my wall in my room. It read, “When you get a bag of good rubber bands, you can use the same ones a million times without them snapping. But, if you get a bag full of bad rubber bands, using them once causes them to snap very quickly, even over something as simple as stretching it a small ways. Once it snaps, though, you can simply tie the ends together, and reuse it.”

I had made that up a long time ago weeks after Asher left because in my case I was just that. I was a bad rubber bad that was being tied together over and over again. Just those few things would come up, and I would snap. It didn't matter how many times I'd been tied back together. One summer, one boy, one love, held me fragile. I was a bad rubber band, and I would snap, over and over again.

Or that was how I continued to see myself, even though it had been a full school year since Asher had been missing. It had been my senior year – year of making stupid mistakes and a ton of careless and unforgettable memories, right? For me it was hell. A dark, torturous hell. I wasn’t the same girl as before, I wasn’t even the same human. I stayed secluded in my house in a never - ending black hole full of emptiness and fear and sadness. If Asher was brought up, I went away. To where? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I just went away.

It’s hard to remember exactly when J.J invited me back in his life. I don’t even remember accepting the invitation. One morning I woke up and he was there with breakfast. He told me to get up. He told me to shower. He told me I was going to start fresh. And I did…kind of. I tried, okay? But summer was here now and I was still trying. I knew summer brought Asher right along with it and all of my hard work would go to waste; I'd fall back into his arms to easily.

What I needed at the moment, instead of thinking about Asher, was breath. An entire chest full of breath, actually, because stupidly enough I had decided to dive down into the deepest, also most dangerous, tunnel on the island. The rocky cliffs scraped against my palms as I floated up in the silence. My lungs began to scream for some oxygen, and I knew it was time. I kicked faster, now the frustration pulsed through me. Damn, I thought while my head broke through the water surface and my face came in contact with hot muggy air, J.J was going to be disappointed.

Meeting me above the water with a hand already held out for assistance was a boy with dark brown hair and even darker brown eyes. The kind of dark brown that you just got completely lost in if you stared at them for too long. His lips were drawn tight with worry as he helped me up onto the rocky cliff.

I sprawled out onto my stomach silently with my eyes closed. The hot air dried me off quickly and I wanted to go back in just as fast as I had come out.

"Don't worry about it," J.J said kindly, only a small amount of disappointment hinted on the edge of his voice.

"I'm going to find it.”

J.J frowned. "I don't think you should. If it were in some other tunnel, some other spot...but not here. Not after what happened two years ago.” His sentence cut off with the right amount of tension to bring back the horrible memory that occurred a few years ago.

A regular girl that was only years younger than us had been swimming and diving off the cliff by herself. She swam under the tunnel and was never seen again. When the search party went looking, not even her body could be found. I hadn't known her well, but still, in a population as small as ours, somebody missing was a big deal. Especially when the body was missing, too.

A large group of boys started to call out for J.J with a bunch of hoots and waving their arms around. Their voices drew us both away from the unpleasant memory. I sat up to look at the group more closely just to find most of them were familiar - the usual. I noticed Luke's shaggy blonde hair, and Jared's curly brown hair bobbing above everybody else's. They were our tallest friends; also J.J's two other best friends.

"Go," I said with a soft smile. "I'm just going to head home anyways."

He hesitated and I noticed his eyes darted back to the tunnel. He didn't trust me.

"Oh, and I promise I won’t go down there you big worry wart. Go, have fun."

His face lit up and he stood up from the cliff, reaching down to help me do the same. J.J surprised me though, and pulled me all the way in for a tight hug. My eyes closed as he whispered in my ear, "thank you."

J.J didn't have to say it, and I was glad he didn't because it'd make me feel worse than I did about ditching him last summer. But the reason he was so protective over little things like going into the tunnel, was because I knew he didn't want to chance losing me again. We were close like that and everybody knew it. I didn’t want to leave him again so I let him worry a little too much. I needed that kid more than he knew.

I pulled away from him, trying to keep my eyes off the tunnel. The sun hit the water and reflected a bright glare into my eyes. It was taunting me. However I turned away with J.J and joined him on his walk with his friends.

"No surfing for the water creature?" J.J teased, knocking me in the shoulder. We both knew I didn't surf anymore.

"Maybe later," I grinned and shoved him back, using a little extra force. We walked over to our friends, who by now were getting impatient and rowdy. That’s what I got for hanging out with a bunch of boys I guess.

Luke tossed an arm around my shoulder playfully, and gave me his silly grin. "Second day of summer, time to take up surfing again."

I rolled my eyes. "You're funny."

"So you'll be at your house then?" J.J interrupted us in his worried voice.

I was still giggling from trying to shove Luke's arm off me, but J.J was sending me a slanted eyed look, and all laughter died soon. He was worried about me, afraid that I was going to go home and sulk. Which, in his offense, now was about the time that an episode would hit.

"Yes sir," I tried to send him a smile, and then brushed past all of them. Behind the beach was a hill and at the top of that hill was my house.

Relationships played out in many ways in my life. I had my family who I rarely saw. Then there were the people I saw every day at the beach like my regular friends - ones that I never would call up to hang out, but still would have fun if I saw them at the beach for the day. Finally, there was J.J.

It's easy for somebody to say they have a best friend. But it's not at all easy to explain a relationship like J.J and mine. His house was just down the block from mine, and we both were born and raised on the small island. When you live in such a small place, you're bound to connect with somebody. My somebody was him. Our parents planned us play dates ever since we were in diapers. Or, back when my mom could be classified as a mom. Then, when school started and we were in the same class, I always went to his house after it ended so his mom could watch me until somebody at my house got home.

But as I got older and could take care of myself, well that's when my family tore apart. No longer would I see my mom every day, if I was lucky, it'd be twice a week, maybe even two weeks. We started arguing a lot, most of the time it was about my little siblings that I loved more than she did. But instead of me going to J.J's, he came to me. My house became his. On the nights that my mom would come home too drunk to walk, or my dad was stressed to the max on work, maybe they'd be screaming so loud that the whole entire island could hear them, J.J and I would go down to the beach and swim.

Maybe that's why I loved the water so much. It relaxed me like therapy.  

Or some nights J.J and I would lay on his roof, maybe even a random roof if we were feeling like being sneaky. The stars were phenomenal from up there. And for hours we'd talk. J.J lived alone with his mom since his brother was in the US army and his father died at battle when he was really young so we never ran out of things to talk about or share. When you spend so much time with somebody, whether it be to escape the screaming or to share grief and keep each other company, a special relationship that nobody except those two people can understand is formed.

Before last summer happened, our relationship was simple. I smiled, J.J smiled. If I was happy, he was too. When I cried, he didn't pat me on the back and baby me. He either told me to tell him what was wrong, or he'd do something so extremely different to distract me, that I'd forget all about everything. That's why I loved him so much. He wasn't my brother, or best friend. In many ways, J.J was meant to be my soul mate. But the romantic flames between us had never been there, and we never brought it up. It just wasn’t like that.

After last summer however, if I told you all that, and you compared that me to myself now, you would think I was lying or just completely crazy. What happened? Asher happened. The day he came on the beach and…found me…it was all gone. My life. My freedom. Me, I was simply gone. Why though? That’s what everybody wanted to know. For one I knew how to take care of myself since my parents had been absent for the last seven years of my life. I didn’t need anybody. I was independent. I had friends, I loved to surf, I loved to be my own person and smile and laugh and have fun. And two, what kind of boy could have that much impact on anybody to make them lose the life in their eyes like mine did? Who?

But the truth was, I didn't have an answer to their questions. When I tried to tell them I didn't know, they'd ask why. But I was too confused about the whole matter myself. Sometimes he would make me so upset that I would want him to just leave my house, my side, or even the island if it were a bad enough fight. But if he would actually go, I wouldn't feel good or right with myself. Unless Asher was with me, I felt as if my legs were heavy, my eyes would feel tired, and my stomach would churn so bad, that it felt like I had the flu virus. It was true; he did make me smile and laugh on occasion. His kisses brought butterflies for a while, but they stopped eventually. But the real honest truth was for the reason I needed him around, was because if he wasn't...I was sick.

"Are you going to stand there all day?"

I looked up, dazed and disoriented, realizing that I was at my back door already. Thinking about Asher shut me off from the time and place, or anything happening around me. That's why J.J didn't like leaving me alone if he thought it was a bad day for me. If I thought about Asher by myself, it could be hours before I snapped out of it. Usually the tears woke me up from it, and they only made me worry even more that something was seriously wrong. Well that among many other things.

But I was getting better.

I slid my bare feet into the bucket by our back door to remove all the traces of sand and went inside. The screen door slammed noisily behind me and knocked against the frame. My mom hated that, which was the main reason I allowed it to slip my mind to not do it so often. I easily ignored her glares and started down the narrow halls that had few pictures of us as a family hanging on the creamy green walls, in search of my dad.

"Dad?"

"Hey honey," his usual tired voice crackled from his bedroom. I stood in the doorway, leaning casually with my arms crossed. "I'm glad I could catch you before I left."

My dad wasn't very tall. Neither was my mom, so of course that explain why I was only 5'5. But he had broad shoulders with a narrow nose, sharp chin and green eyes that had once upon a time been as bright as mine. I definitely got my eyes from him, which couldn't have made me more proud. Other than that, I was the spitting image of my mother.

Dad gave me an one arm hug before continuing to pack the remaining stuff for his trip. The smell of his aftershave and cologne lingered in the air.

"You just got here," I complained. "Can't you stay one more day?"

With a sigh, he closed his last suitcase and shook his head, pushing his black glasses up further on his nose. "Sorry kiddo, I have to go. It's important this time. Big case ahead of me, and lots of preparing to do before I'm ready for it."

I raised my eyebrow along with sending him one of my don't-tell-me-that-crap look.

He shrugged. "Really important, like I said. If I could stay for any more than three days here at a time, you know I'd love that."

I did know that. My dad actually put an effort to communicate with me. But he was just so busy most of the time.

"When will you be back?" I pressed as he walked back out to the living room with me on his heels. Usually I didn’t do this. Usually I let him go on his way. But with summer here I had a panicky feeling churning inside of me. What if they left me here all summer and Asher came back?

The bags in his hands weighed him down, and made his lopsided for a moment. Once he regained his balance, he set them down by the front door and turned to me. "I don't know, Regan. I don't ever, do I? Look, if you need me to call your grandma..."

"No," I quickly rejected that thought. "I was just wondering anyways, everything will be fine here." I held the door open for him so he could load his car with everything.

Being as high ranked of a lawyer as he was, Dad was on many waiting lists. He was always boggled down with pounds of paperwork or being bothered with phone calls. So even when he was home, he was still working and it was impossible to do anything like we use to like walk along the beach or collect seashells and see how far we could skip them in the ocean.

My mom on the other hand, didn't work at all. The only time I saw her was the occasional time my dad was home, or if she brought my siblings home with her from wherever she came from. was the one who babysat them and cared for them, but I didn't mind at all. Then she would disappear without a word to me or anybody else, usually showing up the next morning or so passed out drunk on the couch.

"Have a good day, sweetie," he said one last time and kissed my head. As soon as my mom came outside to say goodbye, I stalked away to inside.  

I hopped on the couch anxiously so that I could look out the living room window. I was just in time to see them exchange stiff hugs. Nothing special. But then again, when did they ever have special moments anymore? Never. Why they were still together, well, I guess that was the whole grown up thing that I didn’t understand even though technically being eighteen I was one myself.

The front door slammed open as my mom stormed through straight to the kitchen. It wasn't a surprise that she hadn't talked to me or even looked towards my direction. Actually, I thought as I sat back on the couch and rested my head on the back cushion, it wouldn’t have surprised me at all if she even noticed I was in the room.

I still didn't know what ruined our relationship. It used to make me really upset - I mean, it's kind of hard to be happy when you're mom suddenly decides to be a drunk and want nothing to do with you. Especially since we use to be such a close, fun family. It seemed to me that as she had more kids, and the bigger I got, the more she drifted away. Maybe the stress got to her, or maybe she had some sort of sickness I didn't know about. But I couldn't hold a conversation without it ending in an all-out scream fest. She'd threaten to make me go stay at my grandma's with my siblings, and I'd shout back that I would turn her in to SRS. Then she would leave, and not appear for weeks. Although there was always food in the fridge, bills were paid, and they left money for me to use on whatever.

So it was easy to see why my new family life wasn't suitable for my siblings. There was Jenny, who just turned five. Kim and Jesse were twins, at the young age of three. And then there was Tate, the baby of the family. At his young age, one, it was important for him to grow up in a steady household. Since my mom went crazy, and Dad had to work to support all of us, they were shipped to my mother's mom and dad's to live.

It was my choice to stay in the empty house and deal with the loneliness. It would have been impossible to leave J.J, of course. But another problem would have been that where they live, which is in another small town way out in the country basically in the middle of nowhere, there would be no water.

Also come summer time, there would be no Asher.

Pots and pans crashed together noisily in the kitchen, making me jump up from my seat. My mother sent a stream of curse words flying through the air loudly; I'm sure the neighbors heard every single one of them. The back door slammed before I could see what happened, but I was just in time to see the dust fly out from her back tires, and hear the noisy motor drive off.

I sighed and bit my lip. She never failed to disappoint me despite how little I expected from her. I bent over to pick up the pots and pans then stacked them neatly away. Her coffee, which was most likely spiked, was still sitting on the counter without having been touched. Like the pots and pans, I dumped the coffee down the sink, and then washed the cup. It wasn't anything new, me picking up after her.

But still. What a great start to the summer.