My first post! Woo! review
Bright red blood is everywhere. Blood, there's so much blood. I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. I hadn't meant to cut as deep as I had. I'd meant to teach myself a lesson. I had gotten a B on a history test today. A B. The Ivies don't take anything less than excellence, and that certainly isn't an eighty-nine percent. The puddle of blood in my sink and on the floor is growing in size and shade by the minute. I remove my hand from my wrist in search of a towel. No, I think. I can't use a towel, Mom will find it in the hamper. I rip a wad of toilet paper off of the roll, and force it to soak up the ever-present blood oozing from the clean, precise slice on my upper forearm.
It's never been this bad before. I'm starting to feel light-headed. I rip off more toilet paper and replace the burgundy wad with a fresh one. I think it's letting up so I grab more of my improvised gauze, wrap it around my wrist, and secure it with a safety pin. I then pick my belt up off the floor and use it as a tourniquet, tightening it above my elbow and punching a new whole through the cheap, thin leather.
I open up the medicine cabinet and search of aspirin. I don't dry-swallow two pills to dull the pain emanating from my arm, I take it because I don't know what else to do. Aspirin is supposed to fix everything. Maybe it will fix my heart. Maybe it will get me out of Buckhannon. Maybe, just maybe, it will make me perfect and everything can finally be okay. I won't have to admonish myself if I'm perfect, and no one else will either.
My makeshift gauze isn't leaking through. I start to clean, to do what I am perfect at: hiding any evidence of anything unhappy, anything different. I do it so well, pretend to be an all-American little girls with no opinions whatsoever. I get a wash cloth from underneath the sink and wet it. I'd already used the rest of my roll of toilet paper to mop up most of the blood, but it still needs wiped down. Since there's not much blood left, I will be able to rinse out my wash cloth and the blood won't stain it. Mom should be home anytime, and I don't want her to see me like this.
~Later that evening~
"Dinner's ready, Aubrye." Dad calls. "What do you want to drink?"
I must have fallen asleep while I was studying; the only time my dad talks to me is when Mom can't yell loud enough to get my attention or he's discussing one of my flaws. I'm so exhausted - I have no idea how much blood I lost.
"Water, please," I yell back. I look at my arm. The toilet paper has a few red splotches so I quickly re-gauze it and carefully pull on a sweater. They can't see my arm like this. I walk down the hall and into the dining room where my parents are already seated. I rush to sit.
"Would you like to say the blessing, Aubrye?" my father asks.
"Yes, sir," I reply and bow my head. "Dear Lord, thank you for the gifts you've blessed us with. Please bless this food we are about to eat, and thank you for sharing you bountiful creations with us. Please be with us this evening and throughout tomorrow as well. Amen."
"Nice job, honey," Mom whispers, patting my knee. Oh, no. She does this every time I screw up.
"You forgot to thank Him for protecting us today. I expect it to be perfected tomorrow." my dad scolds in the briskest of tones, telling me that he was not proud and expected me to never mess up like that again.
"Yes, sir," I answer, just barely above a whisper. And that's all I say the rest of the night. It doesn't bother me, for once. I hardly have enough strength to hold up my fork, let alone carry on a conversation.
Perfect. If I could just be perfect, everything would be okay. But I have to go and screw everything up. I will have to punish myself tomorrow, but not tonight. After dinner, I drag myself to my bed and fall asleep.
I have the most wonderful dream. I'm small again, and Dad and I are at the carnival. He buys me candy and popcorn and anything I want. We ride the Ferris wheel and look at all of the little people down on Earth. I imagine I am a bird, soaring high above the ground. Dad hugs me and tells me that he loves me. My spirits are roaring inside me and I feel as if I can conquer the world. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, smiling a crooked smile - minus a front tooth.
But then I wake up, and for a moment, I'm still i that world, where Dad loves me and I am perfect. That's when I come crashing beck down to reality and cry myself back to sleep.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi!!
Nice story. I liked it. The description of the first par, meaning before the evening part is really good. How she sees the blood running and how it seems to make her uneasy actually desperate.
I would only like more of what she's feling in that first part, how does she feel at seeing how much blood is running and what does she think will happen?
I liked your style and how you portrayed the pressure she's on and how much pressure she's receiving fom, her father. The plot was quite intriguin , very good and it keeps the reader interested in the story. I also liked how it seems that even with all the pressure her father inflicts on he, she still loves him.
You had very few spelling and grammar mistaked, nothing that actually made the story feel awkward or affect the flow in a drastic way. It is very good, and don't worry, tthe ideas will eventually come and you'll see, you have to be patient. also find something that relates to the MC and try talk to her at least that's what I do.
This story was very good and I hope to read more about it.
XOXO
Pudin
Thank you Adriana, too! You were the first to review my work, and for that I am eternally gratefull!! I've been trying to write more with this, but it just doen't seem to be coming. It sucks. I will post it as soon as I think I write it! Thanks again for being my first reviewer!
Beth
First, thank you all for reviewing my piece! I appreciate a lot!
But thanks a lot for being concerned. I know there are people out there who do have self-mutilation problems. It's a serious cause. That's why I wrote about it. Anyways . . . Thanks again for reviewing!
Thanks for your compliments! The present tense is a bit different. I was reading a book that used it at the time I wrote this, and I found that it was easier for me to write in the present tense than the past. I didn't really like the tense at first when I was reading it, but it seemed to grow on me. That is all I write anymore. But thanks again for reviewing!
asxz: Thanks for thoroughly reviewing Perfect. How else can I learn how to write better? I liked that you told me everything. You know that you just get used to a piece of work, and eventually don't see many mistakes. I really appreciate the nitpicking. I am American, but this story does not reflect my life in the least. It's just about the opposite. I'm a total Daddy's Girl.
ofir: I always forget to put the comma at the end of a quote! It's awful when I have to write stories for school! Thanks for telling me.
Beth
You have a few grammar mistakes - here:
when you write "said" you should put a comma infront of it. "She smiled," he said. You put a dot there a few times. Other than that, I liked it. Your writing style is fantastic. I didn't really like the tense you used - most books and stories are written in past tense. This is different - it was good. I liked it a lot. If you write anything more in the future please let me know - you write good, and I'd like to see more of your work. By the way, your vocabulary was actually good - not a lot of fancy words, more down to earth - but there were some words that were in a rather high level - so I enjoyed reading it.
Have a nice day1
ofir
Hi outofthebox! I'm here to complete one of the reviews that I owe you!
Nitpicks up first:
Get rid of the 's' after 'girl', and I would suggest getting rid of the 'little', as well. It flows better without it. Also, not too sure about this, but should whatsoever be what-so-ever? Up to you.
Needs to be wiped down.
I would suggest splitting this into two sentences, because you should try and keep one idea to each sentence. A full stop instead of the semi-colon will do fine.
Also, there should be a comma after 'attention'. Read through what you've written and put some kind of punctuation every time you stop.
Capital 'M' after the dad speaks. You could also add something here about how you expected yourself to never mess up like that again, either.
Now, there are many things that could be changes about this last sentence, so I'll just re-write it.
But then I wake up. For a moment, I am still in that ideal world where dad loves me and I am perfect. That's when I come crashing beck down to reality.
I cry myself to sleep.
That's all the nit picks I can find. Now onto the general stuff:
Plot
I like it. it shows the pressure that the MC is under, trying to be perfect. I can relate to the character, but I somehow think that she's a little too over the top. Does he really need to cut herself every time that she mucks up? Hasn't anyone ever told her that she can't be perfect? Maybe you could slot that in somewhere, something like:
'I'm sick and tired of all the voices that swim through my head. "Nobody's perfect," they say. But I can be perfect. It's always stupid little mistakes; I should be perfect.
This could also be a good part to show the reader how emotionally distraught your character is.
Writing style
You use good length sentences in this. That's good. Too many short sentences clumped together and you can't show much happening, too many long sentences and there's too much packed it; it doesn't flow, either way.
Your words used, however can disrupt the flow again. I'm not sure if it's because you're American (I presume) or something else. For example, in the quote above, you use the word 'briskest'. Maybe it's just me, but when I try and say (or think, funnily enough) I kind of trip up on the word. I'm not saying it should never be used (although it is a weird word) but in this context I could suggest 'hurried' (because he seems like the kind of man who wants everything done promptly), 'hasty' (same thing) or accusingly, harshly, anything else that could explain the tone of voice that he is saying it in, rather than the speed. Also, quietly is another good one, because is shows that he's trying to be nice about a mean thing... anyways. I'll stop talking about synonyms now, and get back to your review!
General
Your MC calls her father 'sir', now I'm not sure about this, because I suppose you could call him anything, but it tends to give the impression that he isn't her actual father, like a step father, or something. You could change that, or keep it like you have it. As I said, I'm not too sure about it. "Father' would be a more suited word, in my opinion, because it's formal, yet shows the bond.
Apart from what I've said, I really enjoyed this piece. It was good, and don't let my nit-pickings make you think otherwise. It was your first piece on YWS? Very impressive! My first piece was **** compared to what I write like now. Keep writing!
Just one last thing
I hope the MC in this story doesn't reflect on you... if she does, then your father's very mean! Anyways, cutting isn't what you should do! (Just saying this because you shouldn't, but if you don't then yay!)
Nice story.
There were only a few things that I noticed in your writing that were odd or uncorrect, but they were all just little editing things that you probably didn't notice. If you proofread the story another time or so, you'll probably notice those tiny things, so I won't bother telling you about them.
Anyway. I really like where your story was going. You make it obvious right away that Aubrye is obsessed with becoming perfect, and you quickly show that the main reason is her father. I like the way that your writing left me wondering what was going to happen next in the story... for example, what happened that made her father so cold towards her? How long has she been 'punishing' herself for not being perfect? I usually don't 'wonder' so much after a story is over unless I get drawn in by the writing. You seem to have a real talent.
I really hope that you continue writing this story. I'm very curious to see what happens next. Keep writing!