I wrote this as an exercise from a book called: The 3 A.M. Epiphany. (I actually wrote it at 3am too) 
Rules were that it had to be 600 words, first person, and I could only use two personal pronouns in the entire thing (I/my). Let me know what you think!
_________________
The sky was a dirty color of gray on this gloomy day. The bench that I was sitting on dripped quietly from last night’s rain. Small tufts of pale green grass were sprouting from the sloppy mud on the ground. The mud was bordered by a grid of cement pavement. Not too far of a distance away, standing on the pavement, was a couple.
The woman was short and thin with brown curls framing her face. She wore a bright red coat, greatly contrasting the dark black of her partner’s. He was a gruff man of about twenty-six perhaps, she around the same. He had a dark beard to match his attire, and thick meaty hands. The woman seemed oddly delicate next to the great man. The two stood a few feet apart from each other, as if there were some barrier between them.
They were speaking in hushed yet rapid tones that were barely discernable. The man spoke animatedly, his arms flailing about every few seconds. The woman kept her own hands in her pockets, as though she were trying to hug herself. Her watery eyes glistened in the dim light of the day, she looked as if she were about to burst into tears.
“I just don’t understand how you could be such an idiot!” The man screamed at her, seemingly giving up on violently whispering.
She, however, kept silent. It were as though she was afraid of this man, only a few inches taller than herself. He however, weighed at least a hundred pounds more than she did. Her coat clung to her small frame. There was a sense of innocence and beauty to her, marred by the shadow cast by her partner.
At her silence, the round face of the man began to color into a darker shade, resembling a plum, and with that he sent the back of one of his enormous hands to meet her rosy cheek. She whimpered, but still said nothing.
“How can you be pregnant, Elaine? How?” His hands then reached up to pull at his own hair. “We haven’t seen each other in months. I’ve been in prison since April!”
She began to lose it, tears and mascara streaming down her face.
“Baby, I thought you loved me,” he began to pout. It was an odd sight, such a large man beginning to tear up. “You were all I had.”
They both stood there for a while, wallowing in their sadness. Until the sound of a car honking at another car on the street a distance away snapped the man out of it. He quickly returned to his anger, grabbing both of her shoulders in a death grip, “I can’t believe you. I trusted you.”
Finally, in a watery voice, she spoke. “I-I’m sorry.”
“I loved you.” His eyes stared into her own. They stood like that for what seemed like hours, his piercing eyes staring into her kind, sad eyes.
“I love you,” she said, wiping away a tear, only to be replaced by another.
He let go of her shoulders with a push, “I don’t love you anymore, Elaine.” Then, with a turn, he walked down the cement pavement to its end, opening an iron gate to the street.
With that, she fell to the ground, crumpled in dismay. Holding her stomach, she pulled herself into the fetal position. Crying violently, she whispered “I’m sorry” in between gasps and sobs. After a few minutes, she noticed that she was not alone. She sat upright, running her hands through her hair multiple times, rubbing her stomach. Then, slowly, she hobbled over to the soaked bench and sat beside me, coughing at the smoke of a just recently put out cigarette.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hi there! This exercise is harder than it looks, isn't it? Good job!
My comments will be in red and the parts that I am commenting on in blue!
I'm here to review
Alright!
All in all, very nice piece! It was probably difficult
Good job!
Ofir
Hello there.
This part here is a little bit choppy. It's not that you have a lot of period when you could have used commas, but the feel of it just seems to intense. It's just a description after all. It seems rushed and the flow seems off. You might want to combine some of the sentences together or rephrase them slightly.
Overall, I think it was okay. I like the idea of the narrator being outside of the story, since it's not something we see that much. You did a good job.
-Other One
You certainly have a lot of conflict this makes it a good piece, I could see it happening after the first few words. But your writing is limited by the 600 words limit, the characters are underdevelopped and there are certain inconsistencies.
There are no indications prior to that that she is sad. So far you have described her stiffly, there is nothing in the way she carries herself so this is a bit sudden.
Again there is nothing about her that would show her eyes to be kind.
Although I get what you mean, it was confusing to read, try editing this passage.
Fuchsia is an odd colour to go when stressed or embarrassed, try maroon or puce (the HP books are long behind us so it's not cliché).
This piece has potential, take that word limit off and look at some of the things like the character development.
Keep Writing