Just some writing. It’s been a while, I apologize that I’m so rusty. I’m working on my descriptions because I was never good at that. It just feels as though everything is so forced though.
I don’t know. Anyone have any thoughts?
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Her small, taut and cracked lips were pulled into a frown. Her soft, green eyes glazed over as she was lost in thought. As she pulled at the length of the pale grass beneath her she stared at the sky in contemplation.
I began to say something, anything, to break the silence. But the air was thick and impenetrable.
We sat there for a while. I picked at the rubber tread of my shoes while she pulled on the dehydrated bits of grass to toss them in a small pile by her barefoot feet. If I were more confident, I would have reached for her soft, round face and pulled her into the kiss I’d been dreaming of since I’d met her. But I wasn’t that confident. I never would be. But, God, did I want to kiss her. Even if her lips were chapped, her hair akin to a lion’s mane, and her hands and feet caked with mud. She was beautiful. She was unconventionally beautiful. The type of beauty that you realize as soon as she speaks and you hear the melodic cadence to her voice. The beauty that you see in utter silence when she speaks volumes with only a single look delivered by those penetrating eyes.
Did she know how much I loved her?
Did she know what kind of affect she had on me?
I try to tell myself that I wasn’t happy in this moment. Yet every time that I remember it, it causes my cheeks to burn and my heart to beat faster. It’s not even that anything truly special happened that day. It was just another summer day like any other. But there was something different that won’t let me forget it. Maybe it was the way her brown hair and patchwork dress blew so carelessly in the wind or the way she stared so intently at the grass and the blue sky. It may have even been the sound of her low humming when it became too silent.
Whatever it was. I realized two things that day. That we were entirely different people. And that I was entirely in love with her.
Problem was, she was miles away from me and I would never feel closer.
As the days went on the distance would only increase until we were worlds away.
You are indeed working on your descriptions. But trouble is is that you're working a little too hard on your descriptions. Perhaps that's why it feels forced? Like here:
"Her SMALL, TAUGHT and CRACKED lips were pulled into a frown. Her SOFT, GREEN eyes glazed over AS SHE WAS LOST IN THOUGHT. As she pulled at the length of the PALE grass beneath her she stared at the sky IN CONTEMPLATION."
(side note: I miss formatting...I could guess at HTML, but I might screw it up...)
You've jammed the first paragraph full of qualifiers. Roadblocks and detours and created a very specific picture. You're forcing your picture onto us, ignoring that the one that the reader conjures can be just as valuable and will ultimately be more personal.
You don't have to take out all of them, but play around with removing bits here and there and you might be surprised at how much easier it flows.
Also, keep an eye out for being too wordy to get an idea across. Like this:
"The beauty that you see in utter silence when she speaks volumes with only a single look delivered by those penetrating eyes."
I feel like the language is stilted, and maybe it's that way because you wanted to cram so much into that sentence and so you maneuvered your words this way and that to fit the whole idea into one phrase. Like a lawyer's document ("the accuser--hence named the plaintiff--hereby states his case concerning the object in question that is a '85 Pontiac that was involved in a collision on this date blah blah blah").
I appreciate the feeling of your words, though. You have good word choice and are sensitive to the sound and feel of words. So you definitely have that going for you, but be careful of putting too many ingredients in the pot.
Also, very small note, but something I like to pass on as a tidbit. "Affect" is a verb and "effect" is (usually) a noun. You want the noun.
This is really awesome. The description is amazing and the story is short, simple and mysterious. I feel as if I should have some constructive criticism, but I can't think of anything. I wonder if you could possibly turn this into something longer, this could be the intro to a novel or something else. Anyway, great job and keep up the good work.
Your descriptions in this piece are beautiful. When it comes to romantic fiction, it has to be done right - subtle, honest, and not too sappy. Which you most definitely succeeded in doing. I almost want to know these characters now...they seem so simple and yet so relateable. Your shy-guy character makes me "aww" while also making me want to pull my hair out a little (like iThinkinInk says, you're just thinking TELL HER ALREADY!, haha. XD), and your female character is defined more by appearance but still seems compelling. I wanted to know why she was alluring, almost, because I got a very genuine and intelligent vibe from her. Basically, this was a short piece that was quite well-developed. The bulk of the criticism was already covered, so I can just be a lazy reviewer and say that I quite liked this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hello dear,
If you were working on description, you got better at it, most definitely. Just a couple things, though, and this piece could be even better.
Normally, I totally shy away from any sort of romantic piece, but yours sounded interesting. So here we are.
Before we start, though, this piece reminds me of the songs, "Anna Sun" by Walk the Moon, "Breaking the Girl," by Red Hot Chili Peppers and "Little Black Submarines," by The Black Keys. Mesh them together, and it feels like this piece.
Anyway.
1.) "Her small, taut and cracked..." I'd pick two words here. It's a little overwhelming with all the description.
2.) You're a little fuzzy with commas in a couple places, like between soft and green in the second sentence (you don't need one) and her and she in the third (you DO need one there.) Reading the whole piece out loud and inserting commas as necessary would help fix that.
3.) Maybe add some description as to where they were in the first or second paragraph, because while I know they're outside, after that I'm at a loss.
4.) "...by her barefoot feet." Maybe "...bare feet," cut down on the confusion?
5.) "If I [was] more confident..."
6.) "I try to tell myself I wasn't happy in that moment." Why is he convincing himself otherwise?
7.) "...stared so intently at the grass and the blue sky." ...At the same time? A little clarification would be fantastic right there.
8.) The ending's a little cryptic. Maybe clarify it just a mite?
And now, on to the fun part. There were a few things I really liked in this piece.
1.) The narrator is in a very typical position, in that he won't just cop to his feelings. You hit the nail on the head when you said he wasn't brave. He's extremely un-brave. And that sound you hear? That's every girl who reads this piece howling, "JUST TELL HER ALREADY!"
2.) Your description was really lovely, just the way you described this girl. It was perfect tone-wise for the piece.
Love,
iThinkinInk