Did my best on the format, sorry if it's a bit messy!
This is a text I wrote a while ago which I liked and thought it would be nice to share. It still requiers some work on it, so if you have a critique - go for it. :)
Scene 1
Nothing on stage. RUHAMA (male adult, tall) is sitting on the floor.
RUHAMA
Obuv!
OBUV (thin, young male) enters with a quick and steady walk.
OBUV
Yes, Ruhama, what can I do for you?
RUHAMA
Stand next to me.
Pause.
OBUV
Is that it?
RUHAMA
No!
OBUV
What else can I do for you?
RUHAMA
Keep standing next to me, please.
A long pause.
OBUV
Is that it?
RUHAMA
No! Obuv, stand here next to me and do not say a word.
OBUV
Yes, Ruhama.
RUHAMA
Do not say a word, I said!
OBUV
Yes, Ruhama.
RUHAMA
Not even "Yes, Ruhama"! Do not say a word.
Pause. OBUV tries not to say anything but breaks down.
OBUV
Yes, Ruhama-- Sorry.
Pause.
RUHAMA
No, it isn't working... You're not inspiring me either. Come, sit next to me.
OBUV sits down next to RUHAMA.
RUHAMA
What do you think of humanity?
OBUV
Can you clarify the question?
RUHAMA
What do you think of humanity?
Pause.
OBUV
Can you ... clarify the question even more?
RUHAMA
What do you think about the way humanity manages to live on Earth?!
OBUV
The way humanity manages to live on earth is not very successful, sir.
RUHAMA
I knew it. Right. This is what I have been thinking to myself lately. I don't know what to do...
OBUV
You do know, do know, of course you know! You are God, Ruhama, you know everything.
RUHAMA
That's what everyone thinks. Still, I'm having a hard time.
OBUV
Having a hard time?
RUHAMA
Hard, hard. Don't know what to do with these humans. Did you watch the news yesterday? Oh myself, what disasters. Forest burned here, murder there, war here, poverty there. I have to do something.
Pause.
RUHAMA
Don't you think so?
OBUV
Think, think so.
RUHAMA
But still, having a hard time ...
OBUV
Are you having a hard time finding an idea for a way you can remove the pain from humanity and improve it in an instant while changing human beings and assimilating heavy and meaningful values in their hearts to an infinite wholeness that will leave you carefree?
RUHAMA
That's right.
OBUV
All right. I'll leave you alone.
OBUV gets up and goes away.
RUHAMA
Wait, Obuv! I would like to receive your help.
OBUV turns back.
OBUV
My help? Sir, I'm not qualified for the job. I don't strongly oppose, but neither think I am suitable for it. If you insist, I will certainly do so, but if not, I do not want to take your place as God. In any case, I should not underestimate myself, it is not healthy, but I should not get overestimate myself, because that way I can instantly become an arrogant monster. I would not want this to happen, of course, but if you think I match the expectations for this task - not exactly a task, I would call it, because it does not describe a burden or involve suffering with it - I will definitely do it.
Pause. OBUV approaches RUHAMA. RUHAMA stands up and starts walking from side to side slowly.
OBUV
Well, you can cancel the thing that causes the endless pain out there on Earth.
RUHAMA
But what is this thing...? What is this thing... what is...
OBUV
This thing ...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
This was quite an interesting script, it has quite an interesting concept it's building off of and doing so quite well. This is the first script I've read on this site, and that said it's really good. Also the cliff hanger at the end, while somewhat simple, was quite suspenseful and does make me very curious about the second part and the world you've created.
Hi, Abdu's here for a review.
This script is very meaningful. The transition from sheer comedy to a disguised message to the humanity was very smooth. Your script was very interesting, despite being short.
"Not even "Yes, Ruhama"! Do not say a word.
Pause. OBUV tries not to say anything but breaks down."
This part was the funniest.
"RUHAMA : What do you think of humanity?
OBUV : Can you clarify the question?
RUHAMA : What do you think of humanity?
[Pause.]
OBUV : Can you ... clarify the question even more?
RUHAMA : What do you think about the way humanity manages to live on Earth?!"
I think this part needs some amendment. However, there's nothing wrong with it. Just felt like it can be improved. Such as, you can use "What do you think of the way of humanity?" instead of just repeating the same question twice.
"Are you having a hard time finding an idea for a way you can remove the pain from humanity and improve it in an instant while changing human beings and assimilating heavy and meaningful values in their hearts to an infinite wholeness that will leave you carefree?"
It is better to use two or three shorter questions instead of a long interrogative sentence. In that way, it will be easier to read and understand.
"My help? Sir, I'm not qualified for the job. I don't strongly oppose, but neither think I am suitable for it. If you insist, I will certainly do so, but if not, I do not want to take your place as God. In any case, I should not underestimate myself, it is not healthy, but I should not *get* overestimate myself, because that way I can instantly become an arrogant monster. I would not want this to happen, of course, but if you think I match the expectations for this task - not exactly a task, I would call it, because it does not describe a burden or involve suffering with it - I will definitely do it."
Congrats, you've brought out Obuv's hesitation very nicely in this dialogue. The only problem you have in this part is the word 'get' (marked with *), it looks like an extra word, an unnecessary word, that is. If you remove it, the dialogue will still bear the same meaning.
That's all. Hope my review helps.
Good luck. Keep writing.
Wait, why this review got posted twice?
Hi, Abdu's here for a review.
This script is very meaningful. The transition from sheer comedy to a disguised message to the humanity was very smooth. Your script was very interesting, despite being short.
"Not even "Yes, Ruhama"! Do not say a word.
Pause. OBUV tries not to say anything but breaks down."
This part was the funniest.
"RUHAMA : What do you think of humanity?
OBUV : Can you clarify the question?
RUHAMA : What do you think of humanity?
[Pause.]
OBUV : Can you ... clarify the question even more?
RUHAMA : What do you think about the way humanity manages to live on Earth?!"
I think this part needs some amendment. However, there's nothing wrong with it. Just felt like it can be improved. Such as, you can use "What do you think of the way of humanity?" instead of just repeating the same question twice.
"Are you having a hard time finding an idea for a way you can remove the pain from humanity and improve it in an instant while changing human beings and assimilating heavy and meaningful values in their hearts to an infinite wholeness that will leave you carefree?"
It is better to use two or three shorter questions instead of a long interrogative sentence. In that way, it will be easier to read and understand.
"My help? Sir, I'm not qualified for the job. I don't strongly oppose, but neither think I am suitable for it. If you insist, I will certainly do so, but if not, I do not want to take your place as God. In any case, I should not underestimate myself, it is not healthy, but I should not *get* overestimate myself, because that way I can instantly become an arrogant monster. I would not want this to happen, of course, but if you think I match the expectations for this task - not exactly a task, I would call it, because it does not describe a burden or involve suffering with it - I will definitely do it."
Congrats, you've brought out Obuv's hesitation very nicely in this dialogue. The only problem you have in this part is the word 'get' (marked with *), it looks like an extra word, an unnecessary word, that is. If you remove it, the dialogue will still bear the same meaning.
That's all. Hope my review helps.
Good luck. Keep writing.
Thank you, Abdu! All of this really helps.
Hi!!!👋🏻
My name is Kathryn. And this is a review.
I really liked your script allot. I wasn't able to finish all of it but that's a good thing. You had allot of detail and it flowed very well. I don't really have any comments because a script is harder to review than a poem and a short story because it is harder to understand because you have to imagine that it's is being acted out. But I've never read a script before and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I hope that you continue to write scripts and more people comment because this script was amazing.
Have a great day.👍🏻❤️
Kathryn or KaPo21❤️
Thank you Kathryn! I%u2019m glad you enjoyed it.